Newbie - Needing Advice on how to navigate this

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Hello.

I'm finding myself in a hard place, for the last 10 years I've worked at supporting moms who are in difficult situations but this time I'm having to witness a mother who is the difficult situation and I'm struggling to understand.

I'm a single mom in a relationship with a father of three children.

We've been together for a while now but have been taking things slow (like moving in etc) mainly because of the children and things as they are work really well at the moment.

But I'm really needing advice on how to keep calm and stay out of the issues with his ex-wife.

Currently, the situation is as follows.

They have been divorced for almost 3 years.

He has the kids 4 x a week she has them for 3 but he tends to have them more and it's not very organized because she keeps swopping the days. So the new arrangement was to try one week with him, one week with her so the kids could have some more stability because they are really struggling emotionally and mentally, all three of them, bed wetting, anger issues, no speaking, emotional eating and so on.

She has already changed the schedule so he will now have the kids for a week and half. The reason is that he is not letting her be a mother because she has to try and find a job.

Currently, he pays for everything for the kids 100% and I mean everything. She doesn't contribute to her children in any way on a monetary level, even when she has the children.

He works, she doesn't. The kids also go to daycare every day until 5pm because he works. She could take them during those days but doesn't.

She is always asking for money and if he doesn't give it uses the threat that she's just going to leave the children with him. It's tricky because he would have no issues taking the kids full time (they'd prob have way more stability then) but obviously, we both know how important a mother is so.

I'm just flabbergasted that she keeps threatening him like that and that she won't go out and get a real job, even a half day one.

I'm super annoyed. I already feel overprotective over the kids and if we move it I know I'm gonna be more so, it's going to be so hard to not get involved and say something to her.

Those of you that have been in a similar situation, what did you do, what is best? I really DON'T want to step on any toes.

I was thinking that maybe I should suggest they get a facilitator so they can have a middle person to help so the children can start having a proper routine, right now and for the last few months they have no idea where they're going to be. Shame and they're little, 3, 5 and 7.

What do you think?

Welcome!

So you don't have a set custody schedule or divorce agreement? It sounds like there is no structure at all, which of course is confusing for skids.

We had a similar situation- couldn't agree on custody, BM was manipulative and making SO pay for everything, she didn't want to work and didn't work the entire first year I was with my SO. These BM's are just mind-boggling. Who doesn't work??

They could not communicate and agree on anything. We got a Guardian ad litem involved to determine custody. Honestly, your SO would probably end up with more custody if you did that. She has no job and can't provide for them. She may even just end up with visitation, or a wknd here and there. But, as long as SO pays for everything, why would she get a job? She has him right where she wants him. She knows threats will make him do what she wants. I think your SO needs to start putting his foot down and call her bluff. The answer can't just be for him to continue to provide for her and allow her to dictate this schedule, because it's obviously harming skids. Right now, his actions are not helping, although I don't think that is his intent. You guys need a set schedule that you STICK TO. I feel like it needs to be ordered by the courts so it's not so easy for her to "change" whenever she wants. Our GAL put disclaimers in her recommendation that custody may change so BM has more (she has like 32% now), IF she holds down a job, maintains a stable residence. BM actually has done those things for the most part, so she will probably eventually be able to file for 50/50 and get it. Either way, it helped force her lazy ass to get a job, and she gets the Child Support the court ordered from my SO. He does not give more, he doesn't waver on the custody schedule (some people may have the kind of relationship where they "help each other out", but my SO and BM do not, whatsoever, so we don't change days with her under any circumstances). Skids have a stable environment and like knowing exactly when they'll be where. They are visibly happier. Skids need stability, I would do whatever it takes to provide that for them.