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Newbie Needing Advice

Heebie12's picture

Okay so after reading a few different posts I realize that maybe I don't have it as bad as many others do. My DH and I are happily married and with the skids we are a fairly happy lil family. The bm is not in the picture at all and hasnt been for 10 years so I am the only Mom these kids actually know. We have our rough patches here and there but what family doesn't. The reason I need advice is because DH and I are discussing completing our family by having our own lil bundle of joy. We discussed this topic before we got married and he assured me that he wanted to have a child with me. In fact he told me that I was the only person he truly ever wanted to have a child with.
Well over the past year or so things have changed a lil bit. I mean my entire life changed as I knew it would and in some ways more than I thought it would. Just after we got engaged I was laid off and we decided that instead of putting my entire pay check into child care that I would stay home (I had always wanted to be a SAHM). Well some where in the midst of becoming a SM, a SAHM and a wife I have found my self rather anxious. It wasn't bad at first but it seems to be getting worse and DH is noticing it. Because I seem so stressed with the two kids we have now he refuses to try for a baby. Well with my biological clock ticking loudly in my head, friends having babies or becoming pregnant his refusal only stresses me out more. I am having difficulty getting back to the care free person I was. Am I the only SM that this has happened too? Did I just bite off too much at once?
I don't mean for my venting to DH to sound like I am complaining about the kids but he seems to take it that way. Typically we have very good kids but my ss goes through phases where he really pushes my buttons. I feel so guilty for being so short with him sometimes. I was never like this before. Will I be able to get back to where I was? Why am I so anxious/stressed out all the time? This is not how I want to feel. It especially upsets me because all growing up with my being a teacher and always loving kids everyone told me that I would be a great mom some day. Well Im a mom now and I feel as though I am failing miserably. In fact Im so concerned I have my first appointment with a counselor tomorrow morning. Is that crazy or have others been in a similar situation? I just want things back on track and my skids and dh happy.

Sunflower1's picture

I understand you wanting a baby, I'm in the same boat, but i would be pissed if FDH changed his mind after we were married, doubly so in your situation. Could some of your anxiety be tied to your biological clock? I know mine can throw me for a mood swing every now and then. Many of my girlfriends that are SAHM have loads of stress as well.

overworkedmom's picture

I was a SAHM for 4 years. It was really hard. I had to find groups to do things with, I wound up running a SAHM group on meetup.com for 2 years on top of doing a military spouses group. I needed to have value in what I was doing and quite frankly cooking, cleaning and changing diapers was not enough for me. I can also understand your frustration with raising your steps but being denied your own child.

Have you considered looking for work again? I think you need to find a way to be involved in something that is bigger than your household.

asheeha's picture

I will say this: having a baby calmed me down a lot! You have this precious innocent child in your arms and he can feel your frustration. With older kids, they seemed to be able to handle some tension, but the baby would cry when he felt it. That alone made me work harder at knowing my breaking point and never reaching it.

I also rely on DH to help out a lot. Taking on a part-time job or putting the kids in a mommy's day out program might be what you need to recharge your batteries.

Personally, I could never be a SAHM. It would drive me absolutely nuts.

mannin's picture

I didn't miss my career till I became a SAHM to my SS. He's drives me insane too. I'm currently pregnant with my own and it really is different.

If your DH wants to be a schmuck, then go back to work and let him deal with his kids' daycare issues. No offense, but the harsh reality is that even though you are raising your skids - they are not your kids. I learned this the hard way this past couple years. When I accepted this, a huge burden was lifted off my shoulders.

I think it's bullshit that your DH expects you to raise his kids and not give you one of your own. He's a liar. For your own sake, you need to reestablish your career, make your own money, and take back your life.

Read some of the horror stories of other stepparents on here who gave up their livelihoods, gave in to their SOs, and ultimately lived in Hell for years.

Heebie12's picture

Wow! So many different opinions here. I feel more confused than before not to mention I dont like people who dont know my husband personally calling him a schmuck an a liar. Maybe this was a bad idea on my part.

emotionaly beat up's picture

Staying at home and raising children is the hardest job anyone could ever do. It is physically and emotionally draining. Add that to the noise of your biological clock ticking away in your head and it is bound to cause anxiety.

You and your husband agreed before marriage to have a child together, it should be a joint decision also, not to have a child. He doesn't get to unilaterally decide that without your input.

I imagine you are also going through all the normal worries as to, can you, will you conceive etc., it's a lot on your plate. I think counselling is a good idea, but your husband needs to come back to the table and discuss his reasons for not wanting a child now. Then you need to decide where you go from there. The uncertainty of the situation in itself adds more stress.

If your frazzled, exhausted and complaining at the end of the day about the kids. That would make you a perfectly normal mum. What you need from your dh is a shoulder to lean on, some support and understanding, an adult to laugh and cry over the kids antics for the day. What you don't need is the threat that your chance to have a child may be taken away from you. That will only make things worse.

My eldest daughter was always on edge with her two. When she got pregnant with her third I was worried for her. I wasn't sure she'd cope. It turned out to be the makings of her. Funny enough her first two were really placid little boys, and she was anxious. Son number 3 is a holy terror, and it's all water off a ducks back to her now.

I hope your husband goes to counselling with you. This really isn't all you. It's as if you've just failed a job interview here. He doesn't think your coping, so no more babies. He needs to see ways in which he can support you, not frighten you. Good luck.

Heebie12's picture

The last two responses where more of what I had expected than the first few. It seems that people have some serious hate for their skids and spouses and that is not the case in my home.
DH and I had a chat last night and basically shared how both of us were feeling and realized that the first year of marriage is HARD. No one really tells you that and it seems to be all fairytales and roses and its not. We have been through A LOT in our first year. We have moved twice, lost jobs and changed jobs, planned our wedding, losing my dad a couple months ago, plus the everyday normal stuff and through it all we have stuck by each other. I have started counseling since losing my dad seems to have compounded any anxieties I had prior to him passing. It's going to take time I suppose but of course I just want things fixed so we can get to trying for a baby. DH assured me last night that we WILL have a baby but that he wants us to be in a better place relationship wise before we do (which makes sense). I'm just impatient because of my biological clock ticking.