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Newbie here... Complex Blended Family!

Motorcity's picture

Looking forward to engaging in these forums.  Probably have a lot to offer but, will also be seeking some help here.  I believe we have one of the most complex forms of the blended family.  I base that on our family dynamic of having his, hers and ours children in our BF.  There are 6 children in total.  We’ve read plenty of books on the topic, attended many Christian based BF classes and attended a multitude of Christian based family counseling sessions.  To say we’ve been challenged would be an understatement.  This is not the Brady Bunch!

CLove's picture

There are a great many folks on here and in some other groups that I belong to, on FB, that are completely blended with all that you mentioned - I think you will find a great amount of information here about this.

I am one of the anomolies in that I do not have any bios of my own.

I have 2 Sd's 1 that lives 50/50, and 1 that lives with her mother full time and has "aged out" of the visitation requirements.

So - take your time and read posts and post as much as youd like.

classyNJ's picture

I am one of the anomolies in that I do not have any bios of my own. - I like it!  I like being an anomolie!

Welcome to ST.  Everyone here is willing to listen and help.

captjacksprrw's picture

There are some great folks on here and I get a good deal of insight reading.  We do not have that many ... mine consists of now a SS23 who is doing great and on his own, one SS28 who is living at home and paying rent and no real plan in sight for him to ever launch and one ... no abbreviation haha special needs (age 53, sister in law, mentally 9-12 blind in one eye, palsey) 

skatermom's picture

I have BD14, BD18 (in college), SD14, SD12, SD12.  We both have 50/50 of our kids. I've been together with my DH for 10 years, we married almost 4 years ago, but I've been basically dealing with everything since day one in one way or another.  I also think I have a lot to offer due to having a high conflict, convicted felon BM who put us through so many court proceedings, it's not even funny.

ESMOD's picture

Welcome... I think you will find there are actually a lot of people in your situation.. so any success tips you can share will be welcome.

(though I have no bios..)

Anonymity's picture

I'm not in a "blended" family (that term is repugnant to me.) My DH has an older kid but we have mutual kids. I focus on my marriage and our kids.

How does multiple divorces fit into Christianity? I thought that's a big no-no? I feel a twinge of shame that me and my DH were each married once before.

if my DH dies before me I have no intentions of ever marrying again. I plan on my second marriage standing the test of time.

Doesn't your conscience bother you?

Rags's picture

Welcome. I hope that you find this to be a good place to vent, contribute and to pick up some useful advice from others who are living the excitement and adventure of the blended family dream.

I agree that you have the full meal deal of blended family complexity and I am sure as you settle in you will have some very interesting experiences to reference.  I likely have the least complex blended family model. I am a non breeding step dad who met my wife of 25+ years when SS-27 was 15mos old. We married the week before he turned 2yo.   We raised our son together, I raised him as my own, and he asked me to adopt him when he was 22.

His mom and I have been empty nesters for 8+ years and the three of us remain very close.

I have one prior marriage of 2.5 years to a cavern crotched adulterous whore of an XW whose family, my XILs, were a crime family of embezzlers who took $Millions from my XMIL's long term employer.  XMIL was convicted and went to federal prison as a felon.  The whole family was sued for $Millions and my XW's share of that settlement to have to pay back was ~$2MIL.  Fortunately that was long after my divorce and I avoided polluting my own gene pool with her.

My bride of 25+ years was not married before our wedding though she had our son (my SS) as a single teen mom at 16.  The SpermIdiot has pretty much been a non participant in our life and of only moderate influence on our son.   Fortunately.  The broader SpermClan and particularly SpermGrandHag was our cross to bear over the 16+ years we lived under a Custody/Visitation court order.

IMHO it is good that you and your blended family are seeking counseling. However, you may want to look beyond church based counseling to include counseling from a behavioral health professional.   Often the whole forgiveness thing can be leveraged to avoid actually making progress in resolving relationship and behavioral issues.  My XW and I sought counseling from her long time family Priest and though he was helpful he refused to actually address her extra marital sexcapades other than to invoke repentance and confession as demonstration of her taking accountability.  All while continuing to hop on every swinging Johnson she could glom onto. 

The professional secular therapist was a big help but .... when the Doc (Ph. D) worked us through the process and then brought intimacy to the discussion table my XW walked out and never returned. She moved out a couple of months later and gave me the greatest gift possible within the context of that marriage... a divorce.  Followed by a great recipe for Queso and a killer pair of elephant skin cowboy boots.

I hope your blended family has legs and your marriage can survive the complex and tense dynamics that are likely in play.

Good luck.

MissTexas's picture

Having been a child of divorce, I know what it feels like from that front, but having married to a man with adult offspring, I also know the dysfunction that was lurking beneath the surface for many years before I arrived. That is their "normal" and I had nothing to do with creating this dynamic.

A word of caution: we visited with clergy and other Christian based counselors, all of whom had compassion, kind words and spiritual guicance, BUT ZERO experience with blended families, mini-wife syndrome, enmeshment and triangulation (our presenting problems). Add  to that,the fact  they ALL HAD ADULT DAUGHTERS, so they could not counsel OBJECTIVELY. There was a conflict of interest, and biases there. When that happens, a good therapist or counselor has a responsibility TO REFER YOU OUT TO SOMEONE ELSE WHO IS BETTER ABLE TO ASSIST WITH YOUR SPECIFIC/AND FAMILY NEEDS.

Forgiveness is often preached, as Rags has pointed out. Many people mistakenly cave under the pressure of the clergy's advice, as it is being given from a man/woman of the cloth, AND it's usually done so at a church, which also sends subliminal messages. ("I should play nice, because God wants me to." etc. God also tells us to guard our hearts, for husbands to love wives as Christ loved the church, and MUCH MORE) . Forgiveness is more for the recipient of the offense (so they can be free from the bondage it places us in) than it is for the offender. 

I am glad you are seeking assitance. The first step in solving a problem is admitting there IS A PROBLEM.

Best wishes to your and yours.

Thisisnotus's picture

We have 6 kids in our "blended family". We share 1, I have 3 others and DH has 2 others.

I can't really say that I have a blended family as there is nothing blended about it. What is more accurate is that I have 4 different family's.....DH, me and our shared child live one life.....me and my 3 older kids live one life (dealing with my insane EXH), DH (guilty disney daddy) and his older 2 kids live one life (dealing  with his beyond insane Exwife), and then VERY VERY VERY rarely.....there is a moment where we all live the same life......the only time that ever  happens is if we are ALL out town together on vacation....completely away from it all. Other than that, it's all a huge shit show and will forever be.