New to the whole Step parent thing
Im a 40 year old childfree man. My girlfriend is 35.I have been with my girlfriend for over two years. She has two kids (ages 5 and 8). When we met it was not long before she introduced me to her kids so I've known them for almost the same amount of time. I love her and care about her and I like her kids although love is too strong of a word to use. They are pretty poorly behaved kids a lot of the time and seem to take advantage of their situation and my girlfriends lack of discipline in her parenting style. They are also very spoiled and have pretty much everything they want. Their father is a useless disney dad who sees them once a week. My main concern is regarding my girlfriends moods and behavior. The longer Im with her the more I've noticed she is very moody and can be withdrawn at times. I never know what will set her off. The other day I decide to get some things done on my day off (went to gym, yard, work. ate) then went over to her house. She was not in a good mood and angry with me because I didnt spend the day with her kids even though she never made any plans or mentioning of doing so. She barely talked to me the rets of the day and would cut me down in front of her kids. This is not the first time this has happened. There have been times when she has turned on me and belittled me in front of her kids for reasons such as pointing out their behaviors, addressing lying, and simply not spending the whoel day with her and her kids when I don't really get that much free time to begin with. Also she will not make plans with me and call me at the last minute to meet her and her kids for lunch of dinner and if I can't make it she gets upset even though she never attempts to make plans beforehand. I'm wondering if the moodiness, distant personality, and her cutting me down in front of her kids is a mood disorder or something else. Ive talked to her about it but it always results in a blow up type fight from her end. It has gotten to where Im afraid to approach her about anything. I also find when we are at her kids events in public I feel invisible, nearly completely ignored by her so I am left to talk to other family members or be on my phone. Then she will be mad at me for being on my phone. Does anyone have any insight to this? I've also realized she is very affectionate with her kids but not with me so much. Is this normal? I know she is stressed out and has accumulated a lot of debt and is struggling to get by. She blames me for not moving on with her and helping her with her bills but I have my own place and am apprehensive to move in with her because of her moodiness and anger and her kids behaviors, What does everyone here suggest?
My first thought when I hear
My first thought when I hear she is struggling and is unhappy that you aren't helping with her bills is that she's using you (or wants to). Why do you want to be with someone who is moody and disrespectful? Her cutting you down in front her kids is just unacceptable. Surely you can do better.
RUN
That is all. I'd be Scooby Doo-ing it out of there. Sounds like she is after a meal ticket for herself and her ungrateful kids.
I bet Biodad could tell you
I bet Biodad could tell you all about her crazy mood swings and expectation that the man pays for everything. Run dude. RUUUUUUN! (And triple wrap it until you do.)
Walk away, this is not the
Walk away, this is not the woman for you. Between the mood swings, the anger, and the financial issues, I'm thinking that you can do better.
Thank you for all of the
Thank you for all of the responses. This whole step parent thing is new to me. The main thing I've noticed is how she puts her kids first and foremost always but its to the point of why even have a relationship when the other person feels they are putting in almost all the effort ? You wonder if they really love you or you are just a convienience ot them. She's also always tired because of the kids and little things will set her off into a bad mood or anger outburst. It just seems she takes everything out on me. When her kids misbehave she takes it out on me. She also says we are a "family" but never includes me in any decisions, I get invited to only things she decides on, and doesnt let me have any unput when it comes to parenting whatsoever and on top cuts me down in front of her kids when they misbehave. When Im around her kids I have to put up with their poor behavior and bad choices but Im not allowed to say anything about it or I will be turned on. Im supposed to sit there with my mouth shut and just deal with however they act and whatever they do.
Heads-up. Don't make excuses
Heads-up. Don't make excuses about kids making someone tired. I'm a full time step-parent, get up at 3Am to go to the gym, work full-time, Go to bed around 10:30 or 11:00 most week nights. And I still manage not to bite people's heads off. I'm not saying I don't get moody sometimes, and I'm definitely tired, especially days like today where I'm running off 3 hours of sleep and with softball won't get home until 9ish tonight... But it's just an excuse, just because you're tired isn't any reason to snap at anyone.
Never just sit there with your mouth shut. If she's not involving you in decisions then she doesn't see you as an equal. Partnerships only work when both people are on equal ground. The skids should be first responsibility, but the partner is first priority. Also their needs may come first, then your needs, but your wants actually should be above theirs (within reason of course, but you're the working adult)
Oh!, if you only knew how true this is for many a SP.
N/A
Priorities
Beware. You need to have an honest talk about whether your relationship is a priority for BOTH of you. That does not mean she puts you above her kids. When they need her, she needs to be their mom. But any relationship where both partners do not put the relationship as the priority will eventually fail.
I am going through that right now in a marriage that looks destined to fail after only 11 months. I think a parent has an obligation to be there for their child. But if they want to sacrifice the relationship to prove to their kids that they love them... It can’t be much of a relationship.
Frankly she sounds like
Frankly she sounds like someone who would be exhausting to be around. She treats you poorly and makes demands on your time and money. I think you would be better off with a different woman.
To be clear, I don't think it has much to do with the fact that she has kids... she just honestly doesn't sound like a very nice person.
Not all relationships are
Not all relationships are meant to last. I had a few 3-4 year relationships that just weren’t meant to be forever. Time to move on.
ETA - I now have a wonderful DH that is a forever keeper. It’s worth waiting for.
It sounds like she has some
It sounds like she has some issues that are red flags. Her ex might have a lot to say about her moods, compulsive spending, anger, distance and lack of affection. It will only get worse, not better if you marry her. Be very careful.
Run! Don’t end up stuck like
Run! Don’t end up stuck like the rest of us. To add your gf sounds abusive as if you are the reason for all of her bad decisions. Don’t be her scapegoat. You will end up abused and used. She will use up your resources then move onto the next once she’s went drained you financially. Her cutting you down in front of her kids is a sign you should not ignore either. One day she will turn around and falsely accuse you of mistreating her and her brat kids if you’re not careful. That’s before she dumps you and moves into the next sucker for her mistreatment.
The stepkids arent the problem here
Don't make the mistake of assuming that if the stepkids weren't there everything would be rosy. I just replied to your previous post about the kids. I didn't realise they were 5 and 8 (so the lazy rude disrespectful thing is totally understandable - they are 5 and 8!!!).
Kids WILL model how adults treat each other. If she is undermining you, belittling you, criticising you - that's what they think will be ok behaviour.
I'm sorry but she sounds really, really self-centred and she sees the kids as extension of herself (that in itself is not healthy they are their own people) so you 'ignoring' kids is you ignoring her. That's why she gets upset. I hate kids' events myself. They're usually awful, but they're just one of those things you have to do.
The moodiness, the anger outbursts, the walking-on-eggshells - this is NOT healthy. This sounds like my partner's ex, the BM to his kids. He has been divorced for a while and he still has emotional scars from that relationship. My ex - my son's BD, also had some of these issues - but mainly was a belittler and criticiser with angry outbursts - he wasn't 'moody' he was always in a bad mood. It turned me from a vibrant, creative person into a wreck that I'm still recovering from. My partner and I are both givers and go-along-to-get-along type people - together it's amazing. It's all so chill and loving and lovely! But when you put a giver with a taker, eventually the giver just plain burns out.
Please don't make the mistake of focusing on friction around the kids for what is fundamentally a personality or relationship problem with your GF. Yes, step kids make it harder and it's easy to pick on them for relationship issues and sometimes they do cause problems. Five and 8 yr olds are still quite a lot of hard work, it's true.
Personally, I would end things. I know that's easier said than done. Do not move in with this woman. And for goodness sake, for your own sanity, don't LOVE these kids. You cannot save them from their mother. My brother has a pseudo-step kid from a long term relationship to a crazy woman (she's perfectly nice most of the time, but she's bipolar and not always well-managed) - he was with her since before she was 2 and biodad isn't in her life, so my brother IS her dad. He stayed in a bad relationship for too long because he loved the little girl. He is still in her life even though theyv'e been split for years and he has a hard time moving on now. If I lived in the same country I would see her as my niece and would spend time with her. My son and this girl play on the Xbox together all the time. I don't resent her and I'm glad my brother is such a standup dude and amazing stepfather and when I got my steps I turned to him for advice. But it makes it hard for my brother to move on.