New Territory......Skids boyfriends/girlfriends
So this is new and I'm curious how all of you handle it.
SD16 almost 17 has a boyfriend....it's been about a month. He has been at our house, or BMs house or SD has been at the boyfriends house every weekend so far...and now they have gotten to hanging out on school nights at each others houses. I get it...teens have boyfriends/girlfriends....but neither have a license or a car to go and do things. So, SD now assumes that anything we ever do on the weekends.....her boyfrieind is invited to. And also my DH has to drive her and boyfriend back and forth from each other's houses on any day he has skids recently....which are at least 30 minutes apart....and then basically we are prisoners at home while the boyfriend is over ALL day long. Do we leave them alone at home? I don't even know.....
I pretty much already dread the drama filled skid visits, and now the visits have to come with a boyfriend which equates to the entire weekend revolving on SD's plans with her BF.
My thoughts are to just take my kids and go and do fun things when BF is over....and let DH remain shackled to SD's plans. But I can't do that multiple times a week.
This is new territory b/c in my day.....we had licenses and access to cars and as a junior in high school we didn't need our parents to drive us all around.
The boyfriend is super nice.....and I totally know this is normal teen stuff....I just am already overwhelmed with my situation in general and it's just adding one more element.
My frustration really lies with SD not getting her license....we have an extra car. She would then be free to go and do things with her BF and go to his house when she wanted or pick him up.......not this situation where our entire family has to make our plans based on SD and BF.......I'm already going into this coming weekend with SD trying to plan each hour for everyone so that BF can join or come over.....
I hope this makes sense. I haven't vented in a while...haha
I
Your DH is going to have to
Your DH is going to have to step up and say no, sometimes. Maybe that will motivate her to get her license.
It is pretty presumptuous of her to think her BF is included in her visitations and all activities. DH needs to teach her some manners, so she learns to ASK.
He is getting better by the
He is getting better by the day at saying no.....but it's still 90 percent of the time a yes.
I can barely stand how I feel when my skids are in the house as I never feel at home or relaxed when they are around......I'm just so totally dreading now having to have another guest.
I feel you, there.
I feel you, there.
Once when my DH went to pick up his daughter (when she was a teenager), SD AND her friend jumped in the car. No one even asked if she could come. DH probably wouldn't have cared but he knew damn sure that I would, and he made her friend get out.
Yeah and I can't explain it..
Yeah and I can't explain it....I mean my own kids have friends over and it's no big deal to me. But when SD's have a friend over I feel like I am going to crawl out of my skin..especially if they spend the night......I feel like I'm in someone elses home...it is so weird.
When I was married to my ex...our 3 kids would have friends stay over all the time and sometimes I'd have 8 kids sleeping at my house...never ever bothered me.
Grossssssss. My stomach just
Grossssssss. My stomach just wretched at the thought of a stepkid having a boyfriend at my house.
I'd have to burn my house down if it ever became her smackshack.
Never. Not even for my biological daughter. We can all have a dinner together at a restaurant if they want to be involved with me(the boyfriends).
You might suggest to your DH
You might suggest to your DH that putting a limit on the time the bf is over might be a good idea, e.g. not on school nights because she might not get all of her homework done, or not done as well as she could (this rule applies in most families around us - I have 17 yo twin daughters). You might also insist that she get her license because you are not going to keep driving her around - you have other things to do with your life.
PS
What's wrong with public transport?
Yes, I agree. I really need
Yes, I agree. I really need to push for her to get her license......only issue there is BM doesn't want her to have a license. ugh.
When you have a family as large as mine I think when kids can drive, they should as it takes a huge load off. We have many other kids that we have to take from here to there......
It's been a month.
In another month, they may be history - knowing how teens can be!
But even if not, try alternatives. DH needs to make plans to do something special on the weekend (like a sporting event, go to movie, dinner, etc.) and tell SD she can invite her BF to that ONE event, then he has to go home. If she balks, your DH needs to lay down the law.
SD's visits are to spend time with her father, after all. The boyfriend can have a place during that time, but not all of it. Between the time BF is at BM's house and your house, that's plenty of teen couple "visitation," IMO.
Also agree about public transportation.
that is so very true....the
that is so very true....the last boyfriend lasted about a month and they broke up....but she didn't go to school for almost 3 months after that. So in a way...I hope this guy sticks around b/c she hasn't been "sick" or missed any school since he came along haha.
Yeah I think there need to be limits for sure....or they need to get out of my house...not to be mean but go hang out somwhere with friends or something. We live in a town with more things to do that anyone can imagine.
Double edged sword
yes someone has to drive them around but at least they aren’t parking somewhere
Perhaps it’s time to put some limits on how much they see each other. I’ve never had the experience as a teen or as a mom or a teen where the kids see each other every day.
See, I did. I had a steady BF
See, I did. I had a steady BF starting at 16 and he was over my house constantly but we also went out on dates and we both had cars so my mom didn't have to be our taxi.
I also think this situation is different in step families b/c SDs boyfriend is just another annoyance in my life and yet another added headache with having to cater to her..... and I may feel differently if it was MY 17 year old DDs boyfriend...but then again my DD has her own car.
NO do not leave them alone!! Leave them w DH and you go do your
thing. Why should you be held prisoner in your home? That's on your DH. She's his kid.
Not your Circus, not your Monkeys.
oh I totally will. I am just
oh I totally will. I am just not going to do my thing without DH 3 days out of the weekday and every other weekend from Friday night to Sunday night all b/c SD has a boyfriend...I can do it a couple times a week....I know it could end at any moment but still....for the time being its driving me batty...
It’s bad enough you have SD
You don’t need her BF all weekend. Time to talk with your DH to limit BF time at your home. I hope your DH is paying for BF exter cost not you.
I know!!!!!!!! I'm going to
I know!!!!!!!! I'm going to see how this weekend goes and then approach it going forward.
DH is just handing over cash left and right to SD so they can go to movies or wherever......that is a whole different topic of anger that I also have....like she is somehow entitled to his wallet now at her every whim.
You wanna be able to relax and stay home in peace
having a stranger over practically everyday for the whole day or every few weeknights in the evening when after work you are busy trying to get dinner done and spend quality time as a family, having sd bf over makes that impossible.
with those weekend plans etc, when sd says of bf will come, you or hubby need to say “No!! He isn’t family and this is our own family stuff. He can do these activities with his own family”
so you wanna go do grocery shopping, sd says she and bf will come then your answer is NO. You wanna have lunch out and sd says is bringing bf over or he comes over on weekend just before you leave, tell him you are going out and he’ll need to come at another time.
there needs to be a limit on these things at home and hubby needs to ensure you get your privacy and thats not happening
Assumptions are the mother of
Assumption is the mother of all screw ups. So, time to let SD know that her BF is not welcome unless he is specifically invited which will be rare. If she assumes otherwise... then she suffers the consequences and embarrassment of her assumptions.
If SD shows up with BF when BF has not specifically been invited, drop BF at the bus stop and let him know not to return unless specifically invited.
As with all things like this, lather, rinse, repeat.