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New step mom needs help!

caseyjo1222's picture

Okay so I just need some big help from people who have more experience with being a step parent than I do.

I'll start from the beginning. I am 21 years old and my soon to be dh is 22. I have been married before to a man who had a son but he was only 19 months old when we separated from each other and he never saw him so I never really had to deal with being a step parent. Anywho back to main problem... My fiance has two beautiful girls who are 2 and 4. I love them dearly but have been having problems with them. To start it off we are currently living with his great-grandparents because his ggp is terminal and we try to help them the best we can. So I guess my biggest problem is .. is that bf is a great father but he usually doesn't put his foot down when it comes to the girls because it upsets the ggparents. I understand not wanting to upset them but then the girls run amok and don't listen. Its a very rare occurrence if they even acknowledge that I have tried to tell them no or to reprimand them... They don't have their own room because its over flowing with toys that need to be put up and/or thrown away. So therefore, they sleep on their beds in the living room with the tv on and they go to bed whatever time they choose.. which drives me nuts because I believe at 2 and 4 they should be put in their own bed in their own room with no tv at the time the parent chooses... which I have been told thats what BM does at her house.. I try to tell bf my ideas on being a parent and he just tells me that they will get used to me and that he doesn't want to say anything to them because ggparents will just cancel out what he has said.. i.e. if he were to spank one of them ggparents will baby and coddle them as if it was okay to misbehave. I try to make them mind me and when I bring it up to bf he just tells me that if it were just me watching the girls that they would listen to me... which I don't believe they will.. Another thing that bothers me is that the youngest will kick and scream forever because she is tired and wont lay in her bed, and the oldest usually has to lay in bed with us and watch "King of the Hill" before she will go to bed.. BF and I have discussed them starting to get used to sleeping in their own beds but has yet to actually stand by what he says... I know it sounds stupid to some that I'm freaking out over little things like this with toddlers but if its not fixed now it only gets worse... So if anyone has any advice I'm willing to give anything a try... Just afraid if things don't get fixed soon it may cause problems between bf and I ... I just really need help please!

youngmama1b1g's picture

I feel your pain. My daughter is 2 and sometimes I'm at my wits end with her---and she's mine. I can only offer up a few suggestions...

Toys and their room: clear it out. Put it all in storage whatever you have to do, so they have a little room of their own to sleep in.

Beds: If they have their own beds- try putting them together, so they wont feel so lonely- because they'll have each other.
If all else fails- break out the crib (dead serious- I know someone who uses a crib with her 3 yr old because she says she doesnt want him roaming the house)

Bedtime: You may want to bend the rules on your no tv- just because it may help settle them down or at least keep them in their room and bed long enough to go to sleep. I never had tv as a kid but its always worked like a charm to put my SS right out- esp when he's being cranky but "isnt tired"

For your bed-implement the sleeping bag rule. Explain to the girls that from now on they cannot sleep in your bed anymore because there's simply not enough room for them and you two adults, but if they get scared in the middle of the night or wake up really early in the morning- they can come and lay on the sleeping bag you put at the foot of your bed on floor.

Considering your situation and living with enabling ggparents- its gonna be tough to be strict and evoke true order. Esp since it seems your bf doesn't want to tell them to butt out so he can raise his kids. So you may have to comprimise now and when/if you're living alone realize many things will be different because you wont have to worry about ggparents coming to the rescue when you discipline.

herewegoagain's picture

FYI - whatever he is doing with his kids, he will probably do with yours...If you want to be a FULL TIME parent, without the help of their father, stay...otherwise, honestly, I am not sure that a 21yr old needs to be dealing with this crap. It was him who was stupid enough to have 2 kids by the age of 22...you really should be enjoying your life now.

PS - as far as parenting, I agree with your views 100%...

caseyjo1222's picture

When it comes to the toys they are going to be put up and in some sort of order to teach the girls some responsibility.. as far as the beds the oldest has a toddler bed with only one side up on it and the youngest is in a playpen with extra padding ... she climbs out of it and you can't spank her because of ggparents.. they sleep in the living room right beside ggmas bed and when they wake up too early or in the middle of the night they get in bed with her... I don't mind them sleeping with us if they have a bad dream but not just to get them to sleep ... With bedtime BM has bedtime set at her house for 8:30 and they sleep in their beds in their room with nothing but a night light and the door closed... so its not a big change for them to have set bed times and no tv its just ggma that keeps it on for them ... I suggested when they have their own room to put tv on a timer and when it goes off it stays off ... I am always looking for a place of our own but I'm currently unemployed and it takes its toll on our money situation but hopefully getting out on our own soon and I keep telling bf that if he doesn't start enforcing rules that I wont watch them by myself because I was brought up on spankings and time outs and groundings so I would enforce those on the girls and I feel like I would turn into the evil step mom from Cinderella... and therefore they would hate me.

caseyjo1222's picture

As far as a 21yr old dealing with stuff like this I was previously married for a year and a half... Ex-hubby was severely addicted to Loritabs and mentally abused me... My bf is an amazing fiance and father but he just cant disipline like he wants because of ggparents... he really has the same views as me but just doesnt want to stand up to a terminally ill man with lung cancer.. which I completely understand but he does need to tell them in a respectful manner that he is their father and it will just be me and him raising these kids one day and they have to get used to listening to us and being disciplined by us without them there... kinda sounds really mean when I say it like that but I can't think of any other way to say it

caseyjo1222's picture

***UPDATE***

So I cleaned out the girls' room today and set up their beds so they can sleep in it like big girls... BFs ggma still made me feel like shit because she said she wouldn't want to sleep nest to the utility room (washer and dryer) and when I asked why she said she just wouldn't want to.. okay whatever ... then she gave me shit bout not having a tv in there for them to go to sleep to ... bf and i don't think they need a tv since BM doesn't have one either ... It doesn't really help that I have been coughing all day and running a fever ... Hard to keep my mouth shut when I don't feel good... Just really don't know what to do or how to react... Told bf today that we needed to get our own place because I feel very unappreciated here...

added later--- Bf tried to enforce bed rule ... ggparents got so upset that ggpa wouldn't speak to anyone... ggma got so upset that she bout started crying... bf is upset because he can't parent his own children and I'm upset because everyone is being a pain in the ass about a damn bed!!!! .... Lord save me for I am about to either pull my hair out or bite my tongue off... which hurts less?

Any ideas?

Anonymous_stepmom's picture

I agree, you guys need to move out, even if it's close by so you can still help the grandparents out but yes out and into your own place. They will never change and are basically holding you guys back from parenting these two little kids, it will only get worse. I'd start looking for a place you guys can call home.

emotionaly beat up's picture

As a mother of 3 and now grandmother to 3 and a bit (one more on the way), I will just politly warn you that this will get worse, not better, and the longer you leave it unchecked the harder it will be to fix it, leave it too long and it will be impossible. Not joking here, if you leave this too long, you can forget it ever getting better only worse. These kids are ruling the roost at 2 and 4, good luck getting them to pull their heads in at 12 and 14.

I have had three kids, all have been the ages your steps are now, I have 3 grandchildren, 18mths, 2 and 4. They are absolutely gorgeous, and I cannot imagine my life without them, but by God they are hard work. As a grandmother I would like nothing better than to spoil them and refuse them nothing, as a loving grandmother I put the needs of my grandchildren ahead of my wants. Spoiling them, getting to be the nice guy, having all the fun and non of the responsibility sounds like a good position to have, and as a grandmother I would love nothing better, however, as a responsible grandmother I know that my grandkids have to grow up in the world and they need to have social skills, they need to be independent, and they need to have manners. My children thankfully have taught their children excellent manners, all 3 grandkids could say ta and please in their highchairs and at the ages they are now their manners are beautiful, who am I to undo all that wonderful work. So, I stick to what I taught my own children, to what I know is right and to the rules my children have laid down for their kids.

Either you an boyfriend show a united front to grandparents, thank them by all means for allowing all of you to stay in their home, but state firm guidelines for the children, manners, bedtimes, rules of the house eg: picking up toys before bed, and bed in their own beds. You say Bio Mum has these rules in her house, it is unfair of you, your boyfriend and the grandparents to undermine her by allowing this in your home. So, either grandparents fall into line behind you and your boyfriend and treat the children the way you want them to be treated, or you move out. It really is that simple. The situation is not going to change itself.

If BF refuses to move out, then be aware that this situation will only get worse, and as the years go on, you will find yourself in the situation that many of us find ourselves in with teenage and adult stepchildren, and YOU DO NOT WANT TO GO THERE, trust me, where you are right now is a picnic compared to what most of us are going through, and if you don't like things now then wait till they are a few years older and see how you feel. You have a couple of choices,
1. Put up with it.
2. Tell BF that you cannot live this way and things must change for the sake of the kids and your relationship.
3. Leave now before you find yourself thinking, well I have invested 2, 4, 14, 24 years in this and stay because of time invested, not for love, and one day you find you have wasted your life and the situation has not only not changed but has become much worse.

So, I think you need to have a good long heart to heart with boyfriend, decide what you both want for the kids and the relationship. If you both want the same thing then as I said either grandparents fall into line or you find your own place. If you both cannot come to an agreement, leave now while you have a choice, because in a few more years you will be forced out because you will not be able to stand the situation at home. You will be one of the stepmums who stays at work because going home is too much to face. Good Luck. You know you are right, so follow through.

mamamomo's picture

My advice is to make DH enforce the new rules he is their parent with bonds already in place you are a stranger. When my DH and I started dating I was forced into raising SS early on. He was never disciplined and was not taught anything I actually had to teach him at 2 1/2 how to use a spoon and enforce the rule that he was not allowed to eat with his hands all the time. DH was a only home a few days out of the month because of work so I had to enforce all rules and thus became the evil stepmother because I could not deal with the chaos and I refused to let my children see SS behave that way. SS5 has disliked me ever since he came to live with me, he hates me glares at me across the room, avoids me at all costs because he doesnt want to follow my rules. You dont want to be the bad guy make DH do it!

bi's picture

boy does this sound familiar. my gp's were the same way when bd17 was little. my gramma babysat while i worked, and she never ever did what i asked. i would take food for bd and tell my gramma not to feed her junk all day. i would pick her up and she would have a pop in one hand and bag of m&m's in the other. i was pissed. they would let her do whatever she wanted to. when i talked to my gramma about it, she would get very defensive and yell at me "well she WANTED xyz!!!" like that explained it all. oh ok, gramma. since she wanted it and asked for it and you didn't just give it to her, then that's ok. NO.

you're in a hard spot because you live with them. i lived with my gramma while my grampa was dying of lung cancer, too. it's very hard to overcome the bullshit permissiveness when you're gone 8 hours a day. i don't really have any advice, i can only commiserate. this probably won't really get any better until you move out. Sad that's what i had to do. move out and tell gramma that if she wasn't gonna do as i asked, i would find a new sitter. that snapped her back down a little bit, because she knew i meant it!

caseyjo1222's picture

Thank you to everyone who has given me advice... BF and I talked last night and we are going to try to get our own place as soon as I can find some sort of job... I also found out last night that BM has been getting mad at BF because when they go home they don't want to sleep in their own beds.... Even after knowing everything and explaining to ggparents that it will make life easier on everyone (including the kids) they still wanted nothing to do with it... The reason it will be easier on the ggparents is because BFs ggpa is terminal and cannot leave his bed except to use the bedside toilet... He's on bed baths and oxygen... So if the girls are sleeping in the living room with him its hard on him to use the bathroom because he is afraid of waking the girls up... I just don't get it... But I am officially going today to look for a place of our own....

Also new thought... Is it perfectly acceptable to have a 2 year old in diapers and not even started potty training?

bi's picture

with the potty training, it depends on her readiness. my daughter wasn't even wearing a pull up to bed anymore at 2 1/2. she wasn't wetting the bed at all. my son is a different story altogether. he will be 4 in a couple weeks, and i'm still struggling with him. i've got him going pee with no problem, but he has yet to poop in the potty. he brings me a pull up and refuses to go on the potty. he knows when he has to go or he wouldn't be bringing me a pull up. it's very frustrating. he does have communication delays and behavior issues, so that may be part of it, but i think he's just being a brat. his dr told me not to push him or he will be more against using the potty. it's really quite ridiculous and i will be talking to his dr again for his 4 year check up.

as for you sd, at 2, she is ready to be introduced to the potty. she may or may not respond well. but if no one is even trying, that is not ok.

DeeDeeTX's picture

I think it ican be. I tried so hard to get my BD potty trained at two because everyone told me I should. She really did not seem to get it, and it was upsetting me and upsetting her. So I backed off, let her wer diapers, and then two months after her third birthday, she potty trained completely in like two weeks.

Still, a lot of people looked at me like a bad parent for not pushing harder on the potty training and letting her wear regular diapers until three, but I knew my child and knew it was best for her.

So I guess what I am saying is it depends on the situation and the child.

PeanutandSons's picture

Is she a young 2, or closer to three? That year is when most kids potty train. So if she is closer to three, then is be more concerned that no one is working with her. My son was 26 months when he wore his last pull up. We began potty training at 18 months, would have been done sooner by the daycare wouldn't follow through during their time until he was 2 (no kid pottys in the 1 yr old room).

Is start working with her on it, but don't stress over it if she's newly turned two. Most people in know start training at 2, and are done by 3.

duct_tape's picture

Why can't YOU move out. He sounds like he's coming around, but he could probably use you to further set an example of being a responsible adult who is action oriented and not just words. It would be easier for you to find a job if you weren't living in a stressful situation. If you two are ever going to have a successful marriage he will have to realize that you two are a team and that nothing or no one should ever come before that. Not even grandparents.

Another thing for you to consider, for the long term. You sound like you have a very strong personality and some strong ideas about life in general. The image of how things should run in a home is set in your mind and it's a good image.

With people (women) like you, that can be a disadvantage in life. You come in, take charge, take over, and everyone else gets to sit back and hang on for the ride. Eventually, you will find yourself asking "am I working alone here?" Yes, you will be. Don't be so eager to be the manager of life. Men can be weak, even when they're great guys, husbands, bf, they can still be very weak, and lazy, and passive. Not that he's a bad guy. Women who are strong can sometimes bring out the worst in men. That's all I'm saying. You may have awesome intentions, but be careful. Good Luck.

Disneyfan's picture

I have a son, SS and 4 cousins the same age as the OP.

If any of them were in this situation, it would break my heart. Yo u're too young to be worrying about someone else's kids.

Get your own place. Work and go to school. Continue to date BF but leave the parenting to him.