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New to this site & wanted to share my story/struggle

Step_Lady's picture

I’m feeling very grateful to have found this site! I guess I’m just going to spill my guts. Sorry if this is crazy long. For six years, I have struggled with my role in my stepdaughter’s life. She is eight years old and for the most part she’s a good kid. She has ADHD and annoying at times but pretty standard 8 yo stuff. 

When I met her father, she was two and he had her for a few hours each Saturday. He was working on getting every other weekend visitation.  In that process he discovered that BM was doing unnecessary medical appointments and testing. At age 3, SD Had an 80 page medical history. And she was perfectly healthy!

Ultimately, my husband got sole physical and legal custody. It was the right thing to do. At that time, I broke things off. I felt like I wasn’t up to the task of dealing with this dramatic situation. Screaming, crying drop offs. A legal battle that went on for years. Raising a child who didn’t want to be with us. Raising a child who's BM has untreated mental health issues. Raising someone else’s child at all.

BD and I came to an agreement that I would not be responsible for SD except getting her ready for school in the mornings. Of course, it has been waaaayyyyyy more then that... like ALL OF SUMMER VACATION. And just the day-to-day responsibilities of laundry, lunches, play dates, therapy appointments, reading tutor, etc. It’s been like the frog in the pot of boiling water, slowly heating up until I am cooked!

For a least four years, I made myself act like how I thought a family should act. Eating dinner together, etc. But it always felt contrived. It has never felt natural or easy or fun. When I stopped drinking wine every night as a coping tool, I found I couldn’t stand to pretend anymore. I have been working on accepting my honest feelings but I find myself ashamed that I don’t enjoy my SD and I don’t want her around. When she leaves to go to her mom’s house (3 weekends a month) I feel so happy. Her therapist thinks we should get a GAL and limit mom’s time even more. I can’t imagine having her without breaks. It’s like having an invader in my home and taking over my time. 

Last year, we had a baby. My SD is a sweet and loving big sister. I am glad the girls have each other. They adore one another. I had hoped the baby would bring us together and make us finally feel like a real family. But if anything the love I have for the baby shows me how pale my feelings are for my SD in comparison. Objectively, I can see that one issue is with my husband not taking responsibility for his child. Another issue is me not respecting my needs and boundaries. I have never been given the opportunity to develop a relationship with my SD. She has always been forced on me & I let it happen & the end result is that I don’t like spending time with her & don’t want her in my space. At all. 

One of the worst parts of all this is feeling like people can’t understand what it’s like to go through this experience. That I will be judged as a horrible person for feeling the way I do. It’s very lonely and isolating. It has been such a relief to read some of your posts and responses. I stayed up late last night reading through website. 

sunshinex's picture

Hi! Welcome to the site! 

I have always found myself seeing SD as an "intruder" despite being in her life, and quite honestly, her main mother figure since she was 2. I feel the same - like she was forced on me and I never got a chance to build a relationship with her. Doing things for her feels like a chore. Getting her ready for school. Feeding her meals. It all feels like "work" whereas everything I do for my 11-month-old son feels enjoyable. I would imagine it's natural. I think some people just don't click and I don't click with SD - that's all. 

Unfortunately, because we love our husbands, I think it's a matter of faking it because this IS the life we chose. I would, however, step back from anything you don't need to be involved in. I help DH with SD when needed. If he can't get her to school, I'll take her. If I'm cooking dinner anyway, I'll make her some. But I don't schedule play-dates, I don't schedule doctor's appointments, I don't do any of that. 

I hate to say it, but SD hasn't been to the doctor in a long time (she hasn't needed to but surely she should be getting checkups? dental visits? something?). SD has never been on a play-date. SD doesn't have anyone teaching her to read and write, outside of school. My husband does not think of these things and neither does BM. If I ever bring something up, he says "well if you know it needs to be done, do it, she's yours too" 

But she's not, so I resent having to do things when there are two capable parents who should do them. Anyways, it's totally normal - the way you're feeling. 

SkiingSkittles's picture

I understand your situation completely. I have a 9 year old SD who is also a good kid, but a typical annoying 9 year old. My boyfriend and I have been together for almost 7 years and from day one he has expected way too much in regards to caring for his daughter.  In the beginning he only had her on the weekends and then when her BM got a divorce, she wanted my boyfriend to have his daughter 50/50 week on week off. I was totally fine with this until he expected me to take her to school, pick her up, and chauffeur around to sports. I also ended up doing most of the cooking, cleaning and homework help. We have a 5 year old daughter together and just had a baby who is 5 weeks old. I feel like I’ve been pushed to my limits and have told him that he’s putting too much on me and he needs to parent his daughter more. He’s really upset that I won’t take her to school or pick her up when her school is 30 minutes away and I’m recovering from a C-section. Yesterday he informed me that he needs to go out of town for work and that her BM will also be out of town so basically I’m going to have to have all 3 kids by myself. I flat out refused and told him to call family for help. We have tons of family in town. Side note: he also doesn’t want to marry me and says we’re not ready and not on the same page but he still wants me to take care of his daughter. Is this fair? Or am I being an evil stepmother? I love my SD but I don’t feel like I’m responsible for her.  And you can’t talk to anyone who isn’t in a similar situation because they don’t understand. The response I get is “when you got with him you knew he had a kid so it’s your responsibility.” I’m about to break! 

StepUltimate's picture

I am sorry, but you're in a no-win situation. It requires the dad to parent, not dump on you like an unpaid nanny/maid/playtime buddy!