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New Question Men Do you Hold and Hug Your Exwife when s hff es distraught

Rearview's picture

So Men when your ex wife wants you back, shes distraught over one of the skids,  illness, accident,  etc.  Do you "HOLD HER and  consoles her whilst she clings to you playing on your emotions. Using that to pull you closer?  How do you handle that? 

Evil3's picture

My DH despises BM. If something happened to one of my SKs, my DH would turn to me. He would expect that BM would turn to her DH. I'm sure that DH would be civil if both of them were say, in a hospital waiting room or something, but he would not hold BM as she cried and clung to him.

Also, I think it depends on what other behaviours are present. If one of my SKs was on life support or something and we didn't know if they were going to pull through, I wouldn't hold it against DH if he and BM hugged and comforted one another. That's problably because there's no other behaviour to indicate that my DH is still hung up on BM or has poor boundaries with her. Maybe if there were other things happening to make me wonder if they're still into each other, then I'd wonder about the scenario you described.


Aunt Agatha's picture

He may kick her a few times (just kidding!) but the BM here is such a vile person, there's no way he'd comfort her period for anything!

Merry's picture

I guess if it were something serious about their kids, I could see it. But in general he'd rather poke his eye out with a fork than be in the same room with her.

tog redux's picture

I have a question - do you plan to go through with the legal marriage to this guy? You seem to have a lot of very well-founded concerns.  But something tells me you plan to marry him legally anyway.

Petronella's picture

I think they are still arguing over the pre-nup. IIRC, this guy is pressuring the OP to sign one and she doesn't want to. Although it appears she has plenty of assets in her own name so maybe SHE's the one who needs the protection of a pre-nup. 

tog redux's picture

Isn't she the one who says she already married him in the "eyes of God" but not legally? I could be confused. 

Petronella's picture

Correct. They went to some church and had a "wedding" ceremony but with no marriage license or certificate involved. I asked her what church would agree to do this but she never answered.

Aniki's picture

I initially wondered if it was a Mormon marriage and she was a second wife (or third or fourth or...).

Possibly a Universal Life Church. 


Universal Life Church. ... four U.S. states have held that they will not recognize marriages solemnized by ULC ministers, while eight states have specifically held such marriages to be valid, these being Alabama, Illinois, Mississippi, Pennsylvania, South Carolina, Texas, Utah, and Washington.



Petronella's picture

Wow that's interesting about the Universal Life Church!

haha very possible that this might be some kind of fundamentalist polygamy thing. 

susanm's picture

If something tragic happened to one of the skids and BM were emotional with no other person supporting her, I would expect DH to comfort her like any other human being in distress. It would be weird just to stand there and watch someone that he was married to for 20 years cry.  But she hates him so much that I honestly think she would instinctively punch him if he were ever so much as to reach out to touch her arm in compassion.  She will never forgive him for leaving her.

But it would have to be a genuine tragedy.  Crocodile tears or some manipulative crap would not be an OK reason for him to interact warmly with her.  She did try that in the beginning and it was not successful.  That is part of the reason for her extreme hatred of him now.

ChzyBob20's picture

My husband isn't friends nor a companion with his ex. He will not be her shoulder to wail on no matter what. 

Yes, I am that controlling.

ChzyBob20's picture

Sure but I've been at this so long and having to plan ahead constantly I'm kind of used to it. :/

Rearview's picture

My take after reading this....if shes accepting of me and my presence and is polite to me and STOPS  her bad behavior including alcohol then I might be ok with a short period of  comfort.  But for him to fall back into """THATS MY FAMILY""""  mentality then no I'd be firm not ok.  

sammigirl's picture

It certainly wouldn't surprise me.

My DH's past is extremely dysfunctional concerning his Ex and grown kids.

Nothing would surprise me.  I don't even want to know what happens.  I honestly have no desire to be party to any of DH's past.

hereiam's picture

My DH would rather set himself on fire than touch BM. She's from Hell, so touching her might actually cause him to self combust.

somethingwicked's picture

If hobag  was distraught, on the verge of hysteria I would gladly volunteer to smack her out of it or give her the James Cagney treatment with a half of grapefruit mashed in the face.Just trying to be a  good neighbor and keep DH from getting warts if he touched that big fat slimey thing.

If your BF /SO is consoling his EX with hugs and back rubs or anything that has to do with touching her  then she is not over him,  he is not over her and you are being played. 

Exjuliemccoy's picture

My DH would never touch either of his exes with a ten foot pole. When their son died, he and BM1 felt no need to turn to each other. We joke that hearing either exes' name elicits the same response as hearing the phrase "catheter insertion".

justmakingthebest's picture

Ok... here I am, the odd one out. My relationship with my exH is not full of animosity. 

When I left my abusive 2nd husband. I was standing in my parents driveway and telling him and his wife everything. The only thing they asked was if I was ok and if I needed anything to get away. He gave me a hug and she patted my back. 

It was a very traumatic thing and I was and am forever grateful that they were supportive and didn't see me in a moment of weakness to try and change custody or something crazy. They were just supportive friends. This was not something that was brought up or ever done again, but a moment of compassion that I really and truly needed. 

NOW- For BM2- DH would rather get a hug from a crocodile than be touched by BM. 

Moral of the story, it all depends on your relationship.

ESMOD's picture

It wouldn't be applicable in my husband and his EX's situation.. but perhaps if someone was very close with their inlaws for a long term marriage.. and one of the inlaws passed away.. and the divorce was old news so to speak.. I could see a spouse hugging and an EX as a show of support over a family member they had been close to at one time.

It would have to be pretty specific situations though.


LakesideChill19's picture

When I bring the trash to the bin, I don't go back and check on it to see if it's ok... And crudeness aside, I see no reason, especially if there is an SO for BM to lean on, to have anything other than cordial conversation.  As a previous reply stated, there are very few circumstances where I would be comfortable with physical contact.  To me, right or wrong, physical contact leads to emotional contact and that ususally leads to bad places.  Maybe I'm jaded, but if you feel the "need" to have to physically comfort, or be physically comforted, by your ex, then you have to examine where you are at.  Furthermore, you are doing a complete disservice to your partner.

shamds's picture

more like throw her off of him if she begged for forgiveness then he would walk off while skids cry that mummy is a changed person and dad have some heart etc... my husband has not seen his exwife in almost 11 years and happy to never see her or be around her again

whenever she uses sd24 to brainwash hubby like a broken record that she is a changed person blah blah blah, hubby ignores the text sd sent because its so full of shit

theoldredhen's picture

I just asked my DH your question, Rearview. He stated and I quote:

 "Well, the Screamer is a human being, after all. Just barely, but human. Yeah, I guess I'd give her a hug if the situation was bad enough. She'd probably knee me, though...."

It was a relief to hear that he has enough compassion to do the right thing, despite the threat to his (ahem) manhood.

Rearview's picture

This BM threatened to kill us both. On the phone. and by email.   I turned her in to police.  People who know her say if we lived close enough she would stalk us. So reading all these comments tells me "its compassionate "  but will cause problems.   Give her an inch she thinks shes back in.  I'm beginning to think I'll never be ok with any contact  between either of them.  It's not necessary for any reason at all.  If there is any tradigies he should seek comfort from me and she should seek comfort where ever she decides orher than DH.  We both are kind hearted but that door has been shut.

Rags's picture

"Give an inch and she thinks shes back in."  That is SpermGrandHag to a tee.  It took years of beating her into submission to get her under control. My DW, being a caring person, would keep her thumb on SGH for  a year or two then..... back off thinking that SpermGrandHag had changed. Nope, as soon as DW would give an inch, the Hag would pull her usual shit.

After about 8-ish years DW gained clarity and just kept the Hag pummelled into submission.

I don't see DW having anything to do with the SpermIdiot regarless of the situation.  

For sure I would not have a thing to do with my XW.  They open Egyptian tombs after millenia and infetious microbes locked away for thousands of years remain infectious.  Toxic people are no different. It is the rare toxic person who changes their spots.

theoldredhen's picture

OMG, Rearview!

I wouldn't touch that level of crazy with a barge pole. As they say, 'He who sups with the devil should have a long spoon', and it appears that your 'spoon' should extend for a thousand miles.

Seriously, Hon, it’s almost unbelievable what these crazy women can do, with no apparent retribution, to damage their ex-husbands and their new wives. I’m so sorry that you’re dealing with this level of dysfunction. The 'Screamer' pales by comparison to your husband's ex!

Siemprematahari's picture

I've never been in the position to have had to "handle" something like that but trust and believe if I did ALL hell would break loose. After all that my H has gone through I can't imagine him doing that and should he ever lose his mind I'm sure he'd regret it.