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New Member: Extremely Frustrated & Ignored

Seeker6417's picture

Hello everyone,

Thank you for welcoming me here. This is my situation:

I'm a stepfather (in name only) to an 11yo SD. I have no children of my own.

I am more or less disengaged, mainly because I really don't like my SD that much. She possesses all the qualities I dislike in other people: she's lazy, has no common sense, doesn't seem to remember anything you ask or tell her, and she's inconsiderate. My wife really wants us to be "one big happy family," but I seriously doubt it will ever happen.

I feel like there are two groups: my wife and I, and my wife and her daughter. My SD does not really consider me an authority figure, nor does she really talk to me about anything. The biological father has never been and will never be around. My wife continues to ask me not to take my SD's aloofness or coldness personally, but how can I not?

One of the biggest issues, however, is this: Because I have no children of my own (even though my wife and I have been trying for a long time), I do not share any of the "parental experience." I don't have any connection with or feelings toward my SD, but my wife and her parents almost act as if I should be just as excited about SD as they are, and that really, really irritates me. Example: My wife will pull out SD's baby photos every once in a while and start showing them to me. "Look how cute she is!" "Look at that face!" "Wasn't she cute?!" Meanwhile, in my head, I'm thinking: "Yeah, let's talk about the perfection of a child you had with somebody else." Not to mention it just continues to remind me that I'm childless. But it's like my wife doesn't even think about how something like that could affect me. It's like my feelings are ignored.....or maybe more appropriately, just not considered.

In the past when I've brought issues like this up, sensitively, my wife kind of shuts down. She takes it personally. She doesn't understand why I'm not perfectly content to make life decisions based on SD. I want to move, my wife wants to move, but SD doesn't want to leave her friends or her grandparents. So guess what? Even though we planned to move this year, that's now off. And my wife thinks that it's all part of "being a parent" to put your kids first. But I'm having to put HER kid first, and a kid that I don't even like and who basically ignores me.

I don't even know what to do.

second1's picture

Coming from an intact family my dad got tranferred with a major promotion, my parents put the house up for sale and we moved.  I was 16 and didn't want to leave my friends or my boyfriend -- and found out I had no say except to cry all the way there.  Just pointing out and maybe you can to DW that it is what the couple wants - the child doesn't get a say.  It could also be nice for you because the child can visit her grandparents in the summer and give you a break.

RST's picture

I was a forces child until 16 so moved every 2 or three years.  Dad would come home saying we're off in 4 weeks to somewhere else either in the UK or abroad.  My view is that the experience of a child is down to how the parents handle it, I always knew it wasn't my decision to make so just got on with it.  The things some of the children today have a 'choice' in amazes me.  Even more baffling is that adults hand it to them knowing the damage it does to their own relationship.  Your DW is showing a total lack of respect for you in many ways by putting the wants of her DD before yours.

 

Bunny2's picture

So... Being a loving mom, reminiscing about her kid's babyhood, and wanting to STAY in an area with familiar faces, teachers, and FAMILY is "disrespectful" ? When you are a parent, you love your children. You don't say, "oh, i 'm getting some  D now... F**k my kids! I need to be less their parent because this dude is my new GOD. ..!" 

RST's picture

The lack of respect part was pointing to the whole post of the issues the OP is experiencing.  I was purely offering my perspective having been a child that moved alot, I didn't read the post as him expecting his DW to be less of a parent, just to consider him, I also didn't read that he thinks he's God.  My parents love me, I was never in any doubt, but moving wasn't the end of the world.  Apologies that my perspective has angered/upset you so much.

Bunny2's picture

Not angry. Going by yours AND OP, not just yours. And it isn't just the moving bit, it's the other stuff too.

Rags's picture

While blended family situations can include a whole plethera of rat holes to follow... the big one in the OP is that you and your wife let a child make the decision on what is best for your family.  Kids don't get a say... they  get told and they do what they are told when they are told to do it.

The first thing I would do were I you is call the movers to come pack the house, give DW the new address ... and take it all and move as planned.  If she follows  you.. fine... if not... get a lawyer, lock up the assets and start a new life adventure leaving her to live her life for her spawn.

That is what I suggest that  you do.

Siemprematahari's picture

Redshoes, there has to be some boundaries when it comes to making certain decisions, especially if it involves you wanting to move and purchase a home. This is something that should be between you and your H. I understand he has children/child from a previous relationship but that shouldn't determine how you both live. If you both want a home than by all means don't allow anyone or thing prevent you. This is your life, please don't allow SD with this kind of power. When you're older you will look back at this and regret not doing the things you always wanted to do. I have step children and I will never give them that kind of power over me or my marriage because its my life and you deserve to be happy Redshoes.

Seeker6417's picture

Thank you everyone for your input. I truly appreciate it. Let me add some additional context:

SD is emotionally closed off. She doesn't really have any "issues" but she just seems to prefer keeping things to herself, even insignificant things. My wife cannot depend on her to be open about her feelings.

Here's the real catalyst for the moving issue: When my wife was 14, her parents moved her halfway across the country and away from her friends and grandparents. The next time she saw her grandparents was at their funerals. To this day, she's very affected by that. So, my belief is that she's so worried about her own daughter resenting her one day, that she's willing to avoid...or at least postpone moving for as long as she can. Since SD doesn't confide in anyone, my wife is convinced that she'll bottle up a lot of anger her entire life and then suddenly stop speaking to her.

Personally, I'm trying to convince myself that I can deal with it a few more years until SD is old enough to stop worrying about, because I think even my wife has limits with regard to coddling her (those limits are WAY bigger than mine). I really don't believe that my wife is doing anything with malice; I think she's just terrified of being on the outside with her daughter one day because of a decision she made with "her husband."

 

 

 

Seeker6417's picture

However, at the same time, it upsets me that she doesn't seem to care about disappointing me, because "I'm the adult and better equipped emotionally to handle disappointment."

thinkthrice's picture

"you're the adult" line.  Or "you're just jealous"  or "you hate my kid"

I have never gotten out baby photos of my kids for a "coochie coo" moment to Chef.  And I've seen enough of Chef's moon-faced peccaries to last a lifetime.

I second Blueskies4me. My advice is to RUN!!!

ProbablyAlreadyInsane's picture

Disclaimer: I'm not siding with your wife, I'm just not siding with you either. Instead just an inpartial observation.

Disengaging, is your choice, and if that's what you need, then you SHOULD be disengaged for YOUR health. But in doing so, that's going to create two different groups. You're either one big group, or it's two, there's not really a middle there on disengagement. Disengagement is effectively removing yourself from SD, which means removing her from your group. Just beccause you disengaged doesn't mean your wife ever should or will, after all that is her child and without bio-dad around, raising her falls onto her shoulders.

I'm not disengaged, in fact I'm raising my skids, but I STILL find baby pictures weird! To me it's like this weird life that I wasn't apart of, and then it almost makes me feel like I somehow managed to miss this HUGE chunk of my own life... It's confusing, and I'm not a huge fan of baby pictures, also i think babies in general look like lumpy potato humans, so that's not helping either... LMAO. However DH one day said something that kind of stuck out and that I think applies to your situation. He said: "But they're apart of your life now, and so it's going to take a little catch-up." While I understand you're disengaged, that may be your wife's thinking, she's not rubbing some absent loser man in your face, she may just honestly be trying to involve you and fill you in on things.

As for your skid coming form a different man, and you being childless. idk how long you've been married, but you'll have to build up some toughness to survive that one. It used to bother me. The fact that he has these girls from some psycho b****. But then I realized it doesn't matter. That's part of his past, a part he truly regrets regardless of his love for the girls. And I've been through the resentment, and it SUCKED. The "why did he have to have any form of relationship with her?", "Why couldn't he have waited for me like I did for him?" They used to eat me up. But the past is the past and I can't do ANYTHING to change it (no matter how much I want to.) So it took some time, but that doesn't phase me anymore. Because you wife shouldn't be expected to apologize for having a kid, from the sounds of it, she REALLY wants one with you too. Her past may not have been super amazing, but I'm sure she loves her daughter. And any kid she has with you, she'll love just as much.

HOWEVER, something I REALLY agree with you on, your wife needs to stop being too tolerant and stand up to her kid. She needs to expect politeness and expect her to listen to YOU. You're an authority figure in your household, she's just a kid. She shouldn't be making the adult decisions any more than you should be pushed around like a child. You need to chat with your wife. A kid thrives and does a lot better in life with discipline and with being expected and allowed to be a kid.

Seeker6417's picture

As for this part:

"But they're apart of your life now, and so it's going to take a little catch-up." While I understand you're disengaged, that may be your wife's thinking, she's not rubbing some absent loser man in your face, she may just honestly be trying to involve you and fill you in on things.

To be honest, I'm basically disengaged. I drive SD to school in the morning because I have to. We only have one car and I need it for work, so I drop her off on my way to work. Her school doesn't have a bus. It's kind of hard to be 100% disengaged with circumstances like that, but I would say I'm 95% disengaged.

Especially in the last year, I haven't given my wife any indication that I want to "catch up" or be "filled in on things." In fact, my reaction to all things concerning SD (which is almost complete indifference) should tell my wife that I've checked out where SD is concerned. But again, my wife REALLY wants that family dynamic, and I think she's either in denial or is so hurt by the fact that I don't love her kid, that she's ignoring my indifference. I don't think I should have to feel guilty about it either. You can't force yourself to care about or love someone; you can't even force yourself to like someone. If SD wasn't my wife's child, my wife probably wouldn't like her either; but since she's looking through unconditional love-colored glasses, she's oblivious to the qualities that anyone else would find detestable.

Also to be clear, SD didn't exactly "make" the decision not to move. My wife saw the disappointment brewing in SD about moving and quickly moved in to reverse it. So my wife made the decision not to move based on the reaction SD was beginning to have - AND because my wife herself was moved away from her own grandparents as a kid. I just feel like nobody gives a shit about how things affect me. What about me being able to be near MY family? Why is being near HER family the only thing that's important? Why do SD's feelings come first? Because she's 11? Why are all these concessions being made for a kid who will probably move out one day without a second thought about how her mother feels?

The only thing that keeps me sane in all this is the fact that my wife and I get a LOT of time to ourselves. SD doesn't really do much except hibernate in her room most evenings. There are nights when I don't see her at all.

thinkthrice's picture

constantly as children.  My dad being a salesman as well as a big wig in their cult.  We were never given a choice as to whether or not to move...again.

notasm3's picture

Moving a child Is not some form of child abuse.  My parents made a major geographic move when I was 9.  Of course I missed my friends and relatives , but I also learned how to adapt and to become a much more resilient person. Qualities that served me well in adult life. 

My life was so enhanced by that move on so many levels. So many parents do not realize the long term damage they do to their children by removing all of life’s bumps. 

And in today’s world it is so easy to keep up with people long distance. 

Seeker6417's picture

"So many parents do not realize the long term damage they do to their children by removing all of life’s bumps."

This is the point I keep trying to make. Both my wife and her parents usually swing in on a chandelier to save SD from experiencing any disappointment or discomfort, and it's really annoying to me. How could anyone possibly develop coping skills when they aren't allowed to face hardship? I continue to bring up the analogy of having a job: When SD is old enough to work, nobody will be there to wipe her ass when her boss reprimands her for slacking off. And because she's never had to experience any resistance, she'll just fold up and fall apart.

But...

I'll always be seen as biased. Stepparents always think that bio parents are too lenient, and bio parents always think stepparents are too harsh. So when I talk about how SD's development is being stunted by her familial yes-men, it doesn't really land where it needs to. Think about it: If a stepparent was impatient with your kid and took little interest in them, wouldn't any "advice" from that stepparent about the kid seem to have an ulterior motive?