(New) Marriage was the worst mistake of my life ...
I'm dying inside.
That's the point. That's why I searched for a forum like this.
Background: Mid-30s; 2 bio kids (boys 4, 11), 3 steps (girl 11, boys 13, 16); have known husband for 11 years, married for 3. Steps are with us every day except 3 p.m. Fri to 7 p.m. Sat. Mine with us 50/50.
All ridiculousness about why I married aside - my stepchildren were always super respectful toward me before I married my husband and they still are. It is that kind of respect you give a very stern teacher, but respect is respect, and I don't ask for love. Additionally, it would be cool if my husband would respect me as much as the kids, but that's a different forum, I think.
I need to be working. I am not the stay at home mom type of gal. I have degrees just sitting on my desk collecting dust. I am pretty educated. I have a BA, an MA, and several certifications. My husband works full-time, and I stay home.
Why am I not working? It should be simple. I have a four year old who is in school already (half days) and a very responsible 11 year old. Unfortunately I also have an emotionally needy 11 year old step-daughter, a 13 year old step-son who can't keep up a GPA more than 1.5 (needs constant prodding and someone to help him organize every night - also needs homework checked every day), and a 16 year old step-son who can't keep his mind on school because he's too busy researching Asian a$$ pornography (excuse my truth).
My husband works hard enough and earns enough to get us into a bigger house, yet he chooses to have us in a house that is set up for a man with three kids. My boys don't have their own rooms because they aren't with us full-time (50/50 was court ordered because it was in the best interest for my boys - their dad is mentally stable and WANTS his kids); nearly full-custody was ordered in his case because their mother is a psychopath (no, really, certifiable, she spent time - several times - in mental institutions).
I am in the typical step parent conundrum. I'm not their mom, but I am more capable, loving, attentive, etc. than bio-mom. I do not ask for praise, just less feeling like this life is killing me.
My constant fight with my husband is this: he tells me to "take care of" discipline and school problems, but then doesn't follow through or hold up consequences. I am also sick of depriving my bio kids from time with me because I am spending HOURS helping the others with school work, or just being here at the house so they aren't without supervision! There's so much more to my story, but I will see if anyone reads this before I go nuts. 
I am about 88 percent sure I want to leave this situation, I just need to be sure.
(New) in subject line means
(New) in subject line means new to this forum.
Good advice, Coconut, but let
Good advice, Coconut, but let me tell you ... I have major guilt issues. Here's how I feel: He works so I don't have to. (Yes, I do realize that if I wasn't with him or if I didn't have five instead of two I could work AND have time with my own.) I get up every morning at 7 (even if I don't have my bios), take my SD to school, come back home, take my biological son to school, clean clean clean, do some household CEO business, etc. Then I pick up one kid, pick up a step kid, make dinner, clean again, pick up a step kid from whatever practice, take another to another practice, help with homework for sometimes 3-4 hours, and maybe fit in a few minutes to read a book or two to my bio 4 year old. I'm tired.
Seriously - am I doing what any normal person would do? Or am I doing too much. I don't know. I can't be objective. Because I didn't give birth to his kids does that mean I shouldn't do these things? Am I just a glorified (unglorified actually, unpaid too) nanny? My husband works 12 hour days from 3p to 3a, he can't do these things ... GAH!
Lovely, Coconut is right. You
Lovely, Coconut is right. You gotta disengage totally from that one. No way in hell should you not be working to support his children who by the sounds of it, also have a mother. read this http://www.steptogether.org/disengaging.html - it changed my life. Also get yourself a copy of Stepmoster by Wednesday Martin. Those two things will stop your life being a living hell for any longer
Instead of looking to leave
Instead of looking to leave the relationship, and disrupting all these kids' lives AGAIN, why not focus on changing what needs changing?
You want to work. SO WORK. If a kid needs help with school work, then daddy can do that.
^^^AGREE, go back to work.
^^^AGREE, go back to work. FORCE DH to take care of his fuckin kids! I'm in the same situation right now, I quit a fulltime job for various reasons, been part time for a year now, and too, going stir crazy. Not even just because of SKID, but because I too really love working. I have a BA and a M.Ed. and trying to find a job right now is VERY HARD. I don't care, i'll take $25k/yr just to be out of this house. My DH doesn't do SHIT for his kid either. He will help him with homework at night and bathe him and drives him to therapy on Mon nights. He never 'parents' him.
Wow, so much to respond to.
Wow, so much to respond to. Thank you all SO much.
1) talia11 - that essay was the best thing I've read in ... three years. I think it was the jumping point I needed to start a new chapter.
2) StickAFork - you're absolutely right. I do not want to disrupt everyone's lives again either. My boys will feel the burn. They may feel like they're getting less of me now, but they have gotten very used to this life. Tweaking it in a way that is progressive (i.e. me working outside of the home) will be much more beneficial than just up and leaving everyone in the dust.
3) sue2 - He wanted both, but the mother more than the wife. I am more aware of that now than when I married him (obviously). I appreciate what you say about my 11 year old. You're absolutely right. Thankfully he is very open with me - he tells me, MOM! We never hang out, this sucks. He's right.
4) Cheri - you nailed it. I did take advantage of a situation in which I could stay at home with my baby - pretty much guilt free - but as you stated, things have changed. The baby is older and in any "normal" family, when the baby is older, the mom feels less guilt in going back to work. Why shouldn't it work out in this situation. His hours are actually 3 p.m. to 3 a.m., sorry if I wrote that wrong. Regardless, his shift changes often, and he has the whole weekend with the kids. So yeah, he can do what he needs to with them. And yes, the girl has her own room - she's the only one, and I respect that of course. His two bio sons share a room, and my bio sons are in our room with us (yeah ... uncomfortable).
I'm really starting to look at my situation in a whole different light now. I don't feel victimized or anything, don't get me wrong, but I have been searching for the reason this is so damned dysfunctional. Well, duh - I haven't made him be a parent. All he has ever been is a pretty passive bystander.
I love this forum. Can I come back? Hang out whenever I want?
Ha! I have tons of cookies.
Ha! I have tons of cookies. I'm the cookie monster.
IMo, if you don't start
IMo, if you don't start standing up for yourself and your children you will eventually end this marriage.
These are things I would do:
> Talk to DH tell him everything... if he loves you he will listen. If he wants a nanny and housekeeper he will disregard your feelings and your childrens feelings.
> Stop doing everything DH wants and do some things I want for me and my children.
> Go find a job maybe just part-time.
> Immediately put a porn blocker on internet/computers in the house (Net Nanny is a good one).
> Hire a Nanny/housekeeper/tutor for help around the house.
> Spend some time with my children alone on a regular basis.
> Start looking for a different house so my children can have their own room (with or with out DH).
> REad STepMonster and apply those principles.
With all of this said I would try to make sure that his children know that if you are no longer doing every little thing for them that it is not against them personally.
The children's father should be spending time with them, bonding with them and taking responsibility for them not throwing it all on your shoulders.
There is more to being a father than just handing over the paycheck.
I've brought this stuff up to
I've brought this stuff up to him, but after reading the "Disengage" essay, I think now there is no way he understood all of what I was saying. His response is always that I am doing the my kids vs. his kids thing ... talking must take place, but I have to figure out a better way to say what I mean.
Working on doing the things for me and my kids ... trying to clear the fog of the past three years so I can see what it is we actually need.
I actually did put a block on the computer a month or two ago (I added that to illustrate the point). I couldn't have the younger kids accidentally happen upon some horrible scene because the 16 year old doesn't have a good enough imagination.
I spoke to my 11 year old BS (I hope I'm using abbreviations right) last week and we decided that we would spend at least one evening per week together alone.
Again - I told my husband I am moving (with or without him) and of course, I either stated it incorrectly or he mistook me - it turned into another us vs. them fight.
Looking up Stepmonster after I finish writing.
I am going to follow so much of the advice given here. I sort of feel like I have nothing to lose. My step-children are not disrespectful; however, because of the way their father disciplines (or doesn't), I am a constant nagger. I am doing too much - that is the bottom line. I plan on having a conversation that includes the whole family this weekend. I'm not going to let them think this is an assault against them. At the same time, they have to realize their dad is there, and he will (if forced to) take care of their needs.
Everyone has had great
Everyone has had great advice, but here is my one last add on to what they've said. What would he of done without you? What did he do as a parent before you? It may be time for him to look at changing some of his choices as well like a shift change because he has kids HE has to be responsible for, and HE has to take care of. You need a bigger place your income will help foster that, go start looking for jobs even part time, it'll help you start the shift that needs to take place. Everyone else I think was spot on in their advice and I'd really recommend following it.
Wow you got some great advise
Wow you got some great advise here except I have to take exception to disengaging. With the problems the kids have and your feelings I don't think you would find it possible. Can you stand by while a a kid totally screws up his homework or just doesn't do it? Sleeps in until 10 AM on a school day? I think not.
Also it would effectively leave your husband to care for these kids - what is he going to do hire a live-in Nanny?
No I think its time you went to him and admit that you made a mistake and now you'll have to undo it. I'm assuming you're a school teacher which is probably something you've wanted to do since your watched your 2nd grade teacher at work.
If you really like this guy and would like to stay married you can file for Legal Separation which legally ends your financial relationship with him while not divorcing. The advantages are that you can set up your own household while not being legally and financially responsible for him or his. Then when the kids are grown and out the two of you can return to being a couple. Not for everyone but it can be a half way step making the pill easier to swallow.
Of course you can file for a full divorce anytime in the future. So when its said and done its time to start looking for a job - perhaps summer work teaching followed up by full time. Initially rent unless you're financially able to buy and start raising your own kids instead of his.
Considering the consequences I don't think he should find out by walking into a empty house. Tell him that by the beginning of summer you plan on having your act together and he needs to start thinking of how to restructure his life.
I think more people should do
I think more people should do this per OCC ^^^^ Just to maintain their sanity and peace. If you are miserable in a situation why stay in it? You are in control of your own life.
Unfortunately it seems married but separate living arrangements are highly frowned upon (at least amongst my peers) Sigh....
I understand what you're
I understand what you're saying about the disadvantages of disengaging; however, I think I can do it. For now, since I'm not working, there are a lot of things I can do, and I will do, but I am going to set up some clear boundaries. I have been working as a full-time stay at home mom (doormat) for three years. It isn't in my nature, but I did it. But - as you said - I have to admit I made a HUGE mistake in letting myself take all of these responsibilities on. I can't just walk in and say, I'm so tired of this mess I'm finished doing this, this, and that, and expect anyone to realize what I'm talking about. I must make it clear what mistakes I made, including the collection of responsibilities I should NEVER have taken on.
Why would you assume I'm a teacher? That's so weird, people always guess that about me. I am.
Well, I am not an in-service teacher because I haven't worked in a few years, but I have my MA in education.
Any divorce or legal separation - even if to prove a point or gain what me and my kids need - will result in a termination of the relationship. There is no wiggle room on that one.
I have also been thinking about deadlines - as far as moving, things shaping up, etc. but it's so hard to make ultimatums when I'm feeling so darn weak right now. I don't want to make a "threat" I won't follow through on.
Make the deadlines after you
Make the deadlines after you have gotten a job and can outline what you can contribute to make the move happen.
I think you need to go back
I think you need to go back to work. I have a BS/MS and I completely understand where you are coming from. You probably feel a lot of resentment toward the skids and your DH for putting you in a position where you are expected to take care of someone else's mistakes rather than doing what you worked very hard for and are perfectly entitled to (a career). I would not sit at home with someone else's kids, no way, no how. If a woman (or man) chooses to stay home with the kids, that's fine but she should never be forced into it or made to feel she doesn't have a choice, ESPECIALLY when they aren't even her kids! Hell no! Time for you to take your life back!
Thank you. THAT is what I
Thank you. THAT is what I needed to hear.
I'm a huge proponent of
I'm a huge proponent of counseling. I see a counselor mostly to deal with my ... rich history. I had a step-mom who was literally evil. I think she enjoyed to watch me suffer - and no, she was nowhere near as bad as I - or anyone else I've read on this forum.
She suggested I bring my husband in for some initial counseling then maybe see a marriage/relationship therapist. Of course, he said that we should do that but he one-upped it. He said he wanted to do counseling with all of us (yup - me, him and all five kids). Ridiculous.
Ultimatums are a last resort. I don't like them, and I don't like to make them unless I can back them up. I'm beyond tired, stressed, and way over-medicated right now. There's no reason my life should feel this unmanageable.
Why do 11-16yos need constant at home supervision?
Particularly when there is a teen among them who can be held responsible for the safety of the younger two.
You should be able to have dedicated and focused time with your two a least for a portion of each week that they are with you. In fact... were I you.... I would make it happen whether DH likes it or not.
I would also suggest that you go back to work. Put the 4yo in a all day preschool program during his week days in your home and invest in yourself M-F during work hours. I would also start looking for a more functional house so that everyone, but most importantly so you, can have a less stressful home life. Quit letting DH decide and you do some of the deciding. In fact do it all until he gains clarity that the high level family decisions are a We thing instead of the He thing he seems to think they are.
You are a graduate degreed professional, a wife, a mom and a step mom. There is no need to give up any of those things. Apply your intellect and solve this problem just as undoubtedly you have solved countless problems in your professional life.
Good luck.
Go back to work, hire a nanny
Go back to work, hire a nanny, shut off the Internet when the 16-year-old can't be supervised. Let your husband go over his own kids' homework. Start planning to move to space that is neutral and big and comfortable for all of you.
So, he works 3 p.m. to 3 a.m. What did he do with all his kids before you married? What was his long-term plan for childcare and rearing if he hadn't married? Why can't he rely on whatever he was going to rely on if you hadn't come along? You said he works hard to provide for you, therefore he hasn't time to rear his kids himself. With you working as a teacher, your income would dramatically increase, so he could reduce his hours or get the type of job a father of three should have - which isn't 12-hour shifts that often change!!!
You're saying you don't like your current job. And why would you? Ugh, kids. I hate kids. Anyway, a teacher's income combined with your husband's income should be plenty to pay others to do the jobs he won't do or you would rather not do. Hire a tutor for the kid with the academic challenges - you're a teacher. You probably know the best in the biz.
Why are you chauffering the kids back and forth to school? Seriously, WHY? That is ridiculous! Does the district not have buses? Are they so precious that they can't walk or take the bus? For practices, carpool with another parent so you aren't breaking up your day every single day. If the kids are in different districts, you can fix that with the above mentioned move - get them all in one district.
I get that you're miserable. I would be too. I really appreciate that you seem to be trying to parent well and right - putting your all into it. (I believe most parents would hate being parents if they were doing it right!) But divorce seems like a radical step when there are potential solutions to what ails you...unless there's more to it than what you wrote.
And you needn't feel guilty that you want to change the arrangement because it's not fulfilling. People change and grow. So it didn't work out. Is he so rigid that he can't get behind you to make a more to something more satisfying? Trust me, change is thrust on many of us without choice. Surely you can find a way to make this change by choice if it means saving your and his kids from another failed relationship.