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New here, so glad to find you all

ErinOnTheEdge's picture

Hi all, didn't see a generic "new member" forum so I hope this is ok. I found this site after googling "I Hate My Husband's Ex." I have looked over a few forums and think this is what I really, really need.

I have a 13 year old bio daughter that I have raised completely on my own until meeting my dh about three years ago. He has a 12 year old bio daughter, now my stepdaughter. Her BM has her mostly on the weekends and we have her the rest of the time. I have hated dealing with this woman's craziness and sometimes it seems like every day there is some new indignity. I won't get into details yet here, after all this is just an intro post!!

I struggle to be a good SM because I still find it hard to feel close to a child that I did not know for the first 9 years of her life. I often feel either worried that I am not doing a good enough job, or awkward because I am trying to figure out how to "act" with her. I just don't have the same kind of emotions and love for her that I do for my bd. I feel like her "parent" without being a "mom". I don't know how she feels about me at all. I can't tell if she loves me and likes having me in her life, or if she is just tolerating me because she has to. Sometimes I feel like I do so much but no matter what I do, her BM gets all the love and loyalty.

I love my dh but sometimes he drives me crazy with how he deals (or refuses to deal) with the BM's crazymaking behavior. Most of the fights we have are about her and how we should handle her.

Anyway, I don't have anyone I can really talk to that can understand these issues. I hope this site will save a little of my sanity, vent that frustration, and help keep my marriage healthy!

I'm looking forward to meeting you all and hearing your stories...


AVR1962's picture

Welcome, I think as you read the posts you'll see there's alot of us dealing with the very same issues.

dragonfly5's picture

Hi Erin, There is hope. Most of the materials I have read says it takes 5-7 yrs to blend or create a true family dynamic.

I have a friend who has just reached this point. He hated his SD could not stand her. But here we are 5yrs latter and he truly cares for her. Like his bio son? No but he does care about her and she does now for him. If I had not seen it with my own eyes I would not have belived it. But they have made it isn't easy but there is growth.

Like you I want to have more feelings toward my fsd11 and
fss13, but I have realized it takes time. History...we have to create history. I care about them, I want them to be happy and healthy. In time our relationship will grow and evolve.

My fear is that "crazo" BM will continue down the path of destruction she is constantly creating and will cause even more craziness than she does now.

This board is priceless. I have gained so much knowledge and have received great advice from these ladies. I read and learn everyday.


ErinOnTheEdge's picture

Thank you guys for the welcome! Yes, I am already finding it priceless, just to know there's not something wrong with me, that I'm not the only one dealing with these things.

And what you said (dragonfly) about needing to create history... that really resonates. That is about the only thing I think BM has that I don't!!

purpledaisies's picture

Hi and welcome. I dealt with the very same thing at first till I put my foot down and now dh sees that he HAS to got my the CO and nothing more or less. All her calls go to VM then he chooses to call or not. He even was giving this advice to a friend the otehr day.

He told him that he sees that rocking the boat in the beginning is better then having to deal with it for years to come. Now she has learned that dh will not jump when she says how high. She got tired after a LONG while and stop for the most part but we still have little issues. hope you will get the advice and support you need here.

ddakan's picture

BM may have history, but it isn't a good one. Your man needs to respect you in the way he deals with BMs crazy making. Our BM was making all these demands and trying to say I couldn't do this and that with HER children.

Truth is, I was great to her children and she is just a mean jealous bitch.

You will find lots of sanity here. If you come across a hater, just ignore them. If you truly have a problem, don't be afraid to pour your heart out. You will be surprised at the compassion and love some people have to offer you. I have had some sincerely wonderful replies to my posts and I hope you do too. Smile

ErinOnTheEdge's picture

Smile I am really looking forward to jumping on here and venting about things as they come up, instead of my usual routine, which is:

1. Fume
2. Lie awake seething in bed

I am still trying to figure out how things work here... i am not sure if there is an option to be informed when someone replies to a post I create? Also not sure whether I should be using forum topics, or blog more... both appear to be published, and a place for discussion.