New here. Have soon-to-be 8 yo SD & I feel so alone.
Hi friends. I've read many posts & threads & am so excited to join you in what I think may be the hardest thing I ever do: be a stepmom. Truth is, I'm near my wit's end. My boyfriend is a great guy & aware of the problem his lax parenting has caused with his D. She's a strong personality (which I love, I'm a girlboss too) but without the empathy & kindness & humility. And she likes to play victim & helpless on just about anything. And the crying. So much crying! And, I swear she does things or freezes me out to hurt me. That one isn't so bad though - i can explain that away...at least for now.
When I first met her, 6 months into our relationship, I went all in trying to be a great, fun, warm, caring stepmom - not trying to replace biomom, just a stepmom when she was with dad. I was engaged & went the extra mile. She wasn't going to pass 2nd grade because she couldn't read so we worked on it on his nights & she passed & is doing well & has confidence. Yay. And the father-daughter dance - I made a day of it taking her shopping for the dress & bought her shoes & did her hair & "makeup" (lip gloss & a tad blush) & sent them off. And on & on. And then, after a year, I burned out. Now I'm a little crispy.
I'm realizing that the solution (& problem, for that matter) really lies with him. He has to step up & parent her rather than just react to her every whim. So that's what I'm noodling on. Any advice?
Also, I've seen this term of a mini wife. And I suspect she was/is one for him. But would someone explain that for me?
Disclaimer: I'm aware of how hard this is for her & care for her deeply. Please do not mistake my frustration with her behaviors for apathy for her feelings.
sounds like a lot of us here
sounds like a lot of us here at first then you get "crispy." LOL. }:)
You seem to be handling this well. How old is she?
How does your DH deal with the general problems (i.e. bed times, food, clothing, cleaning, the basics)?
Hahahaha. Yep on the crispy.
Hahahaha. Yep on the crispy. I read Stepmonster & it was comforting to know it wasn't just me. Excited now to have community around it.
She's 8. And I dread seeing her. Because it's always a power struggle.
So...he's not really dealing with the basics. He's been buried trying to get a career started & fix up his house (owned jointly with ex-wife) to sell it. We have spent 6 months renovating it & getting it sell ready & then, 5 days before closing a pipe burst doing major damage to 4 rooms. So now he has to repair all that & list it again. It's been a long hard year of life transition stuff & he hasn't focused on parenting. I was pretty ok with it because I thought we'd wrap everything up & get to it soon...but now it seems it's further away.
With everything that has been on his shoulders I started picking her up from school 2 days a week (he's a chiropractor & his office closes at 7) but I'm regretting volunteering to do that. It takes me an hour to get to her & I'm just tired of investing. Of getting her through her spelling words. Paying for or making another meal she doesn't eat. Always being asked for a cookie or froyo. And having her tell me what she's doing this weekend with her dad - like she makes the schedule. And, in general, it just always being all about her.
He doesn't enforce a bed time...which drives me bananas. No chores. I put my foot down on food but it hasn't really stuck - she wastes food, asks for something different, tries to eat candy while I'm making dinner, etc. And when we go out to eat she orders something, doesn't like it & starts whining & playing helpless asking for something else. No issues around clothing except that I thing she should fold her clothes. In general, he pretty much just reacts to her. She drives the bus.
Great questions. 50/50
Great questions. 50/50 custody. SO was in grad school to be a chiropractor when we first started dating. After graduation he worked a 9-5 place & then got this 10-7 position. He knows he needs to find another practice with better hours for family life...his plan was to wait till after the house sells.
Totally hear you on the not doing things you don't want to do. I think my issue is that I think everything is going to be great. I put a rosy spin on just about everything. I think from now on I'll default to no & have to analyze why it would be a yes. Thanks for stating that so bluntly. It's so helpful to sort of get this all out so I can start to make sense of it.
Love that your SO does that for you. My SO used to. I feel for him that he's spread so thin but losing patience for this rough patch to pass already. Those are great boundaries to have.
I didn't meet SD until 6 months in & didn't buy all the treats & spoil her in that way. Just not my thing. I chose to connect with her. We have impromptu dance parties in the kitchen & experiences over things. And I've been a stickler on the food thing with since day 1. I honestly think it's a power play with her sometimes when she tries to get something out or me or get something from her dad when I've said no. But, to your point, I'm not her parent. So she gets what she wants from dad.
Oh you poor thing, you are
Oh you poor thing, you are where a LOT of us were in the beginning. You like the skid, you're excited to be their SM, you want to do this and that for them. I'm sorry to say, this backfires on us like 90% of the time. She is only 8 and how you describe her sounds horrible already. It doesn't usually get better as they get older, they just turn into teens and it's even worse. I get you want to help her and your SO now, but in hindsight I can say you may regret it some day. It's insane how things change in these relationships.
To put it bluntly, I would NEVER do this again had I know what I know now.
"most people go in FULLY
"most people go in FULLY engaged and have to disengage later-which i think IS MUCH harder because you have built up hate, discontent and a level of expectation from which you must now retract."
So true. And that is where I feel stuck now. BM & SO expect me to take her to something if they can't...and I'm not feeling it anymore. And I just don't want to pick her up 2 days a week anymore & keep her until SO gets home. This drains me. I have to drive an hour to her & then 30 minutes home.
I don't want to marry him if he hasn't put some effort into his parenting & been proactive with setting limits for his child. Friends, this man has spent weeks researching the next car he wants to buy...so I know he can put effort into his parenting. We had a book recommended to us called Love & Logic. I read it (& watched all the dvd's) & it's a great framework for boundaries with love. Still waiting on him to read it.
Kudos to you for slowly building it up. Thanks for weighing in!
I did the pickup from school
I did the pickup from school and summer camp for a year or so, and got really frustrated because DH expected it, and I was stuck to a schedule with no time for me after working all day already. DH could come home from work whenever, no rush.
When I did finally speak up and tell him I didn't want to do it anymore, it caused A LOT of tension and arguing with him, because I was fine with it before so why not now? My point is, I shouldn't have ever volunteered and tried to be the good SM and go out of my way to make them both happy while making myself unhappy.
So well said! Thank you!
So well said! Thank you! Great to know I'm not the only one who got myself into this picking up every week thing.
Thank you so much for your
Thank you so much for your perspective! I'd never thought of it as nanny work before.
We don't live together so I could step back for a few weeks. I insisted that we not move in before a marriage. So glad for that now.
Just a question for how you are a 3rd wheel practically - if we're out to dinner & she wants to order a steak (happened) when I wasn't even getting steak because it was a nicer restaurant, do I just not say anything when he looks at me for approval? Or on Saturdays (he has her until 5 pm) & she wants to go rock climbing & get froyo but I have us scheduled to go to my friend's baby's birthday party - do I just let him make up his mind & deal with whatever is decided? I'm so sorry if these seem silly. I'm just realizing I may not know how to or be very bad at disengaging. I'm decisive & action-oriented by nature. I think this is great advice...just trying to think through implementing.
I wish I'd heard that "you can't care more than the parents do" 1.5 years ago! That is great advice! Thank you for sharing!
Hi there! You do sound like
Hi there! You do sound like alot of us here. Honey, do yourself a favor and step back from this kid. There is no reason to be rude or ignore her (yet) but stop offering to do any of the parenting. Her dad needs to step up and be a parent to her. Its not your place and you will grow to resent the entire situation. On the nights that she is there, go to an exercise class, have dinner with your girlfriends, whatever. Good luck!
VERY SMART ^^^^^^
VERY SMART ^^^^^^
Yeah, like the others have
Yeah, like the others have said, it's time for you to step back.
DH was initially not happy I stepped back from giving the SDs rides - however, I will still do so ON OCCASION, if he really, really needs the help. On a regular basis though, that's his deal.
Regarding the food, I had a lot of this.
TWO very picky eaters to start with.
There's some good information on line you can read about how to deal with this.
I don't mind cooking overall, most of time, so I dealt with most of the food issues.
1) you cook one meal and one meal only. Make sure there's one thing that the SD will eat. If SD doesn't want to eat it, too bad. Dad gets to deal with her.
2) I made meals the SDs could put together themselves; spaghetti, sauce, meatballs & tacos are an example. They could pick/chose what they wanted.
3) The SDs have to help set/clear table OR help cook. Non-negotiable. Unless the cook wants to, the cook doesn't do that part of it.
4) I don't buy special food for SDs. I buy basics only. Anything extra is on DH.
I didn't tell DH I was disengaging. He would not have reacted well. He noticed a change after me severely disengaging after a couple months and we really got into it from there. A couple good arguments which led to some good discussions and new he's pretty careful not to over-ask me to do things. You can go back and read my older blogs on here to see the progression.