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daybyday's picture

I've lurked for a while and finally want to introduce myself.

I've been married for 7 years. I have a SS who is 12 and biological children who are 4 and 2. We have had custody of SS for 4 rocky years.

Bio-mom lives more than 1,000 miles away and still manages to interfere with our day to day lives. She asked us to take custody after several suspensions during SS 2nd grade year. Apparently, that is when him misbehaving no longer was cute. Prior to that, I was a horrible person for subjecting her child to rules and bedtimes in my home. The arrangement works well for her because she is still able to be her child's best friend and he's turning out to be a decent kid because I get to play the evil stepmother role.

In the 4 years we have had custody, we have had our work cut out for us. In addition to all of the pitfalls a child falls into when they are raised in the land no rules, he also had motor delays due to her using television as a babysitter and not having him do the typical active things little boys do. We have finally finished addressing the occupational therapy issues. Currently, our biggest struggle is honesty. He will look you square in the eyes and lie even when he knows he has been caught.

We still deal with his mother telling him we are too hard on him and me getting the brunt of that resistence.

Obviously, there is far more to the story and I'm sure it will come out in time. I can't tell you how happy I am to find a place where I don't have to smile and pretend I love him like my biological children and can finally admit that I fake it with him.

melis070179's picture

Oh so do I!! Fake it I mean. I know some people feel like they love their SKs the same as their bio's...but I just don't understand it. I don't know how its possible! Our BM lives about 1000 miles away too, but luckily we no longer have custody of hubby had custody when I first met him, but after 2 years sent him back to his mom (she had been busted with drugs so he had to take him & promised to give him back when she got all her issues sorted out...thank god!)

bewitched's picture

"To Thine Own Self Be True" William Shakesphere

I do love SD13. A lot. She's just loveable. But I can honestly say that I don't feel the depth of love for her that I feel for my sons.

Sd17 is another matter. I have to fake even caring about her at all. I've known her for a long time, but she's changed, become worse, as she's grown older. And I can't stand her. So I fake alot because currently I have to. But that is temporary. When I get my independence back (I'm talking financially here), it will stop. Actually, I'm already learning to disengage here. But it's gonna take alot more than merely disengaging in dealing with the SD17 and H's tag team. Alot more.

now4teens's picture

If you've been lurking for a while, you know that this is certainly a place where you can feel free to safely say what you would never say to anyone else in your life about the crazy world that is stepparenting.

Including that you have to "fake it". I used to "fake it," too. With my middle SD16. For the sake of my DH. But things are so bad now, that I no longer even fake it with her. She knows I don't like her. Period. And so does the rest of the family. I'm never mean to her or treat her badly, but I definitely don't go out of my way EVER to be nice to her. Because she's never nice to her father, me, or anyone else in the family.

She's like a stranger on the street- I don't know her, so I keep my guard up, because I don't know who she is and what her intentions are! Isn't that sad? But I've come to accept that's my reality with her. And it doesn't affect my relationship with the other children in the household, or my DH.

Maybe one day things will change- maybe not. But for now, I'm quite happy knowing that I don't have to 'fake it' anymore (besides, I wasn't very good at it anyway- I'm not a very good actress Wink )

"If you have never been hated by a child, you have never been a parent."
-Bette Davis

melis070179's picture

I'm not very good at faking it either...especially if I'm in a bad mood. I'll always snap or let something slip that makes it pretty obvious that SS is not my favorite person! Then I feel bad & have to overcompensate LOL

groovetheory's picture

I definately just remain emotionless to everything. I don't know if this is faking it, but I'm not overly happy with anything from her. If SD excited about something, I fake being excited with her. SD knows that I'm dissapointed in her behavior. I guess I can agree with the person that said, that some people are easier to be yourself with. I think if my SD is genuinely a good person, wants to do right, and just is as personable as a normal kid, we would be fine. But I can't fully trust her, or her motives, until she prooves it, and even then, based on her relationship with her BM I'll never be able to trust her at all.

Dawn-Moderator's picture


We too have custody of my ss13. We have the same kind of issues that you speak of.

Hang in there.