New here
I am new here and recently involved with a divorced mother of two young children(8 and 10). At first things were great but now that our relationship has progressed her kids are starting to treat me a little bit worse and more defiant. I don't know if it is my place to discipline them since I am not their father so I step back and do nothing but she just lets it go on and says they are just kids. I also have spent a lot of time and money on them and have been very nice to them so to treat me this way it doesn't feel too great especially since they aren't my kids.
Recently something that bothered me a little came up too. She claims her ex husband was abusive to her and he has psycological and legal issues involving children. She told me some pretty bad stuff about him to the point where I wouldn't think she would want him around his kids and she would fight for custody but it's not my place to say that. She has always kept the two of us seperated. Well I found a lot of text messages on her phone between her ex and herself they are pretty friendly to the point of being semi-flirtatious. He also has been coming over to her place unbeknownst to me, and bringing her dinner and hanging out for long periods of time. Yeah this is a guy who was abusive and has legal issues involving children? Something doesn't add up. When I brought it up to her she blew up at me and called me all sorts of names. What do you guys advise me to do? What are your thoughts on this? Is this normal for a divorced woman that she overlooks this sort of thing in order for him to hang out with his kids and bring them dinner? I am new to this and don't know what to think. All I know is when I bring anything up about this or her kids behaviors she blows up at me. I am not an angry person so won't say anything back. Instead I just leave but I am tired of it and things do not add up.
Run. Run far, far away NOW.
Run. Run far, far away NOW.
Run. Run like the wind. This
Run. Run like the wind. This woman has major issues and if you stay, someday you will be labeled the "abusive ex". No matter how wonderful you think she is, these are huge red flags for possible personality disorders. And keep an eye on the birth control- this type of woman gets knocked up to keep you tied to her.
What do you think is wrong
What do you think is wrong with her when you say personality disorders? Do you not really think her ex was abusive/has these issues?
Look up Borderline
Look up Borderline Personality Disorder. No, I think she's the abusive one. She's already shown that by calling you names. People like this feel like victims all the time and often cast their exes as "abusive" when they are the abusive ones.
I second the BPD. It was the
I second the BPD. It was the first thing I thought of reading the post. In addition to being very careful with birth control, be very careful to never be alone with the kids. In fact, don't even spend the night in the same house. Run like the wind today. In addition to not wanting to get stuck due to an oopsie pregnancy, you don't want to find yourself the victim of a coached child. I'm not saying her ex wasn't abusive. It's just that disordered people have stopped at nothing to seek revenge for causing them a major narcissistic injury for leaving them. They also go to great lengths to cause their partners to be stuck with them and unable to make a clean break.
Her deceptive behavior with
Her deceptive behavior with relationship to her ex does not necessarily mean he was or was not abusive to her. It could be that she made up a lot or exagerrated it. It also could be that he was abusive but like many women they return to their abusers..
The fact is, it really doesn't matter if he was or not. She is carrying on a more intimate relationship with this man than she should be for someone who is supposed to be in a comitted relationship.. especially with a man who is helping to support a child that is not his..
You have to admit these red flags and thin excuses just don't cut it right?
Get away from this woman fast
Get away from this woman fast. Like now. Btw I don't believe for one minute her ex was abusive. However I do believe she was. How she reacted towards you when you caught her in her lies and called her out is her being abusive. If her ex does have legal issues I'm thinking she may have had something to do with it. Run!!!!
Regarding the "flirtatious"
Regarding the "flirtatious" texts, can you be more specific? I've dated men before who thought I was flirting when I certainly was not.
Regarding maintaining contact with an ex-SO who might have been abusive, we've seen a lot of that here. My DH's ex, Satan, is the worst person I've ever known, and I've known some really evil people. DH is a very nice naive guy who tries to always do the right thing, and up until Satan started theatening me, he was treating Satan and Mealticket to breakfast every Sunday and stopping by Satan's house to give her money and clothes. There's no way in he!l he would have ever considered anything romantic with her, he just didn't realize what an evil woman she is.
Once I came into the picture and saw her for who she is, I put my foot down.
A lot of smiley faces, winks
A lot of smiley faces, winks and exclamation marks after her texts to him and over the top please and thank yous and asking him to bring her dinner over then failing to mention it multiple times to me. Yes this is an abusive ex with legal issues involving children (her story).
I never communicate that way
I never communicate that way with anyone but I see a lot of people who communcate that way with everyone.
That fact she is being secretive bothers me. It doesn't necessarily mean she's cheating, it could just mean she knows you'd be angry. DH had a hard time being assertive with Satan at first, and tried to keep his kindness to her secret a couple times because he knew I'd be pissed, and I was. There was no jealousy in this situation, truly no chance he'd cheat. He's just stubbornly kind to toxic people, and I knew she'd make false allegations against him before long, and I was correct. He thought he could mitigate her vitriol by being nice to her, and I knew she was a loaded cannon.
Her angry reaction regarding being questioned. Obviously I wasn't there. I've gotten angry in the past when anyone tried to dictate out of jealousy who I could and couldn't talk to. I dated someone once who didn't like me talking to my friends who happened to be male. Meh, okay, I guess. But then he started trying to isolate me from my female friends, and then my family. At that point we had a couple fights and I ended it. Now I can have as many friends as I want, male and female. I will never again date a jealous person.
Look, I think at the root of
Look, I think at the root of it, this woman has shown you that she is not a reliable partner. She has not been 100% honest and open about her EX and communication with the EX and contact for someone that was supposedly abusive? seems oddly suspicious. I think all those reasons are really why you need to find another GF. She just seems to be waving a lot of trust red flags. I don't think she is being honest with you.
Now, as far as your Q about how to relate to a stepchild.
Anything you do as a stepparent is voluntary.. you don't have to babysit them.. financially support them.. drive them to school or discipline them either. All that is the parent's responsibility. What you do is you do not prevent the parent from fulfilling their responsibility to the child. You don't tell them they can't exercise visitation..you don't discourage contact with their child.
The parent has a responsibility to you as partner to parent their child and insist on good behavior and respect towards others in the home including a stepparent and siblings or stepsiblings. Of course, no child is perfect all the time but the parent should expect to redirect bad behavior.
If the stepparent is asked and is willing to watch the child then that stepparent should have at least some level of disciplinary control over the child.. like any babysitter would.. able to tell child to go to room.. take away electronics etc..
The simple reality:
The simple reality:
She won't have an adult conversation with you regarding her children's behavior. And their behavior bothers you, and she is unconcerned with that.
She is hanging out with her ex, and not telling you. She is, essentially, lying to you.
If her ex is abusive as she told you, she is endangering herself and her children. If he is not abusive, then she's lying about that too.
Nobody needs this kind of relatinship.
This is not the relationship
This is not the relationship for you.
Unless you like threesomes
I would RUN. You know the ex is sleeping with her. Even through you are not the kids father. You are an Adult there behavior effects you and the household. So you must have some say in the rules of the home and the result of breaking them.
You are a peach
Shes a rotten apple. Apples and Peaches do not mix well, when one of them is rotten. The rot spreads among fruit.
You asked for advice and thats what I would advise. Throw this one back. This is the honeymoon period it should be wonderful.
Instead you are being reeled in and set up to be "new daddy" with kids who are disrespectful and resentful.
Instead you are being gaslit when you ask questions and for clarification. That what the temper flares and name-calling actually is.
And all that stuff with the EX? The baby daddy who is "abusive"? Well that label seems like its thrown around a lot especially by people who are doing the abuse themselves.
I would definitely do some research, so you can see how things are going - and see the truth of how you are being used and the red flags for any new person who does the same things.
So - my advice - make like a tree and leave.
Any time someone is
Any time someone is deliberately hiding things from a new partner, things that should be innocent but aren't, I tell them to tred warily. It may be that her stories of abuse, etc. are true or it may be that she used them because it keeps you and he from speaking? I say if your gut tells you something...listen.
As for her kids. They have parents and you are not one. Don't reward them, shut your wallet.
Listen OP. DON'T get
Listen OP. DON'T get involved with someone who is also involved with someone who has psych issues and legal issues involving children. The part with children should be enough to have you running for the hills. No details are needed.
If you stick around for the inevitable manure matinee that is going to happen, keep it to yourself. You've been warned.