New to all of this: I need support
Feel like I am cracking up!
background/ I am a single mother with 2 bio children.
Met the most wonderful man 18 months ago and we have a fab relationship. He has two (young) children. His ex left him about 6 years ago. There had been an up and down co parenting arrangement up until his ex found out about me and he started refusing to appease her every demand.
Things got very sour when he told her he was introducing me to their children. She went into complete meltdown and refused his access to his children. It took 5 months to resolve through the courts and he has regular access back for around six months. I met them for the first time a couple of months ago and we get along well.
Problem: ex has made a series of very serious allegations against me. She hates me. Continually blames me for every disagreement they have about their children.
We are considering marriage next year, as in later next year so a year from now. We are also considering an ours child.
I don’t know how to cope with his ex in our lives, her need and desire to control my partner, her continual lies, her unnecessary anxiety provocation on me, my partner and their children.
Any advice apprecaited.
How old are the children
I ask because the older they are the easier it is to frap this witch off. For example if they are very very young they will need delivering into each others house, person to person contact for a good time and you won't be free of her... By 7 we were able to say 'no more' we watch the child in through front doors, reduce contact to email and so on.
The youngest is 7
The youngest is 7
further I have never ever met this woman, she has made it her absolute priority to find out everything about me but managed to make up her own version of my last relationship to the father of my children. She’s made truly shocking and disgusting allegations against me of the child abuse nature.
To whom has BM made these
To whom has BM made these allegations? Are we talking fb pot stirring, or has she reported you to CPS? What has your bf done about it?
First of all, as a responsible mother, please slow the relationship down. Do not embroil yourself and your children in this high conflict dynamic until you've had ample time to vet this man thoroughly. You need to observe his family of origin, his friendships, work ethic, values, money habits, and of course his parenting skills and how he handles his HC ex. Does he take steps to insulate and protect you from BM? What exactly haa he done? How does he coparent? Does he stand up to her and impose appropriate boundaries? Does he maintain those boundaries?
Have you explored legal options for dealing with BM's slander? Sometimes going scorched earth is the best way to go, be it via a lawsuit, a Protection Order, etc. And your bf should be paying those legal fees.
Also, why would you want to bring a baby into such a toxic environment? There's a good chance BM will do everything she can to alienate her kids from yours. High Conflict exes seldom just go away; they continue to cause upheaval and discord for decades. Are you willing to put your kids through that?
I suggest reading up on High Conflict exes/BMs, Parental Alienation, and strategies for successful remarriage. Educate yourself so you're aware of the facts and statistics before putting yourself and your children through this.
Yes, I was going to say this
Yes, I was going to say this too - tell your BF to make this stop and watch what he does. It's his job to rein in his ex, and if he can't, don't marry him. How? He needs to be telling her in no uncertain terms that this is unacceptable. Setting up clear boundaries around you and pursuing legal action as needed.
I always told DH that if BM had targeted me, that would be a deal breaker.
I agree with Tog and one of
I agree with Tog and one of the things DH and I have both said is the moment BM comes at me and even remotely jeopardizes anything with my kids- SS is out of my life. That means everything to do with me and mine.
I will say that BM somehow found out who my ex husband was and tracked him down on facebook. She tried to get him to say something bad about me and offered to help him in court if he wanted more custody. He told her no thanks, she is a good mom and we have arrangements that work for us and our kids. - ExH and his wife told me when this happened.
Your BF needs to make this stop. Get an RO if you have to, but if she is making abuse allegations, all gloves are off.
Oh dear
I would let your partner deal with telling his children the truths, and rights about the allegations she's making. Other than that get some legal protection against her slander if you can. Other than that there is no reason for either of you to tolerate any contact or abuse. At 7 and above children can be delivered door to door or even public venue to venue without any confrontation between the mother and father. I would both block her on every form of phone and media contact, and use email sticking to only when and where the children will be
First.. make sure that you
First.. make sure that you have zero ties to her or anyone in her corner on social media. In fact.. lock down all your social media so that NOTHING can be seen publicly.. or beyond direct people you have given permission to.
I would be very reluctant to spend any time with his kids alone.. ie without him there. Do not participate in putting them to bed... bathing them etc.. DAD needs to be hands on.
If her allegations are defamatory and she is making them publicly go on the offensive against her and get a lawyer to send her a cease and desist order and threaten a lawsuit.
Your BF needs to absolutely make it clear that you are NOT to be any of her business.. that it is HIS choice who spends time with his children on his time.. she needs to STFU.
Yes, every bit of this ^^^^
Yes, every bit of this ^^^^
Go no contact
with BM and stick to it. I would also take a little more time before marriage. 1.5 years is not a huge amount of time. See how things go, and see how your SO parents his children. These things take time.
Take your time
it all seems complicated when we are trying to fit a square peg in a round hole. Take a moment and consider whether this is actually the best direction for you and your kids to proceed.
I echo the good advice that
I echo the good advice that has been given.
Welcome to the site!
What ESMOD said. When I started seeing DH, NPD BM made allegations against him that were totally untrue. From that time on, I realised what sort of unprincipled person we were dealing with, and informed DH I would never be alone with his kids, even for 5 minutes, that was 17 yrs ago and I stuck to it.
Thanks all for your
Thanks all for your comprehensive and most helpful responses.
1. My partner had his legal team issue correspondence relating to the allegations and there has been nothing further since.
2. She uses every and any excuse to contact him, I’ve never known two healthy children experience so many “health” issues that were never there before he had a serious partner
from experience what should he be doing about all of this? What should I be doing. Points noted regarding social media, we have one mutual “friend” who I’ve now blocked. I noticed my partner is “friends” with many of her friends on social media, should I advise him to delete? Some of those friends are her family so I feel bad saying anything.
Is this even worth the headache? Will his ex ever calm down and be reasonable. I get the impression she doesn’t want him but doesn’t want anyone else to have him either. Rather odd the whole thing. It appears she is holding me responsible for him standing up for himself ie. not jumping or meeting her every demand and there were many!
Women like this get
Women like this get irrational when their ex-partners move on and they feel like they are losing control.
Yes, he should just shut down his social media or unfriend her friends and family unless he trusts them. He has to give her as little attention as possible, so only reply to any of her communications that he MUST, and then only briefly. Ignore what doesn't require an answer.
She is trying to get him to engage and he needs to make that boring for her. He doesn't have to reply to everything, or attend all doctor's appointments. He can't argue with her or engage in unnecessary conversation.
She may back off when she realizes she can't get to him and she is facing consequences for her actions. The fact that he had his legal team contact her is fantastic.
You just lay low and stay out of it. Have nothing to do with her and don't be alone with the kids. Take legal action as you need to to protect yourself.
Again thank you, most helpful
Again thank you, most helpful.
I have not engaged with her or her antics at all. I’ve stayed well clear except when she made her allegations at which point I took legal advice. As it happened his legal team had issued correspondence instructing her to detest.
It appears he has an okay relationship with the ex in laws which is good but I don’t know them to say whether he should trust them or not.
She cannot bare the thought of their children knowing me. They have yet to be told I am their fathers SO. I am worried about this and how she will react and how it might change the dynamics with the kids. She’s has started nonsense around the kids experiencing mental health problems directly related to his “new” relationship with me.
on a positive note he does appear less anxious when she threatens his access to the kids.
Any other things i shoulf should be aware of?
It's hard to have empathy
It's hard to have empathy under these circumstances but most likely, she fears losing her kids and them loving you more. There is a strong chance she will try to turn them against you, but hopefully the more you lay low and don't step on her toes, she will begin to realize you aren't a threat to her. She could calm down - or she could make every effort to alienate the kids from both of you. Only you can decide whether or not he's worth that level of stress. It's not for the faint of heart.
It comes down to rationality
It comes down to rationality then! I know my kids love me as their BM - they have a lovely loving relationship with the SM who is kind to them.
I fear she will try and alienate the kids from us both, I don’t think she would not stoop that low based on her total over reaction to her ex being in a relationship thus far.
She might - we went through
She might - we went through that and my SS did not speak to DH for over 3 years, from 15-18. Yes, normal people know that the mother child bond is strong and won't be damaged by a stepmother. She is not thinking that way.
I don’t know how to cope with
I don’t know how to cope with his ex in our lives, her need and desire to control my partner, her continual lies, her unnecessary anxiety provocation on me, my partner and their children.
Until you figure it out, I wouldn't even think about marrying him, much less having a child with him. Eighteen months is not that long, and you are already seeing many issues that are causing a lot of stress. You dealing with it is bad enoug but your children will be in the middle of it, also.
Will his ex ever calm down and be reasonable.
Probably not. He should have started putting his foot down 6 years ago, not just when you came into the picture. Of course, she hates you.
Yeah, OP, with these new
Yeah, OP, with these new details (or ones I missed!), this is going to be tough. He's let her believe for 6 years that he would go along with her lying to the kids about the divorce, and most likely, she has wanted him to come back the whole time. BM in my situation thought DH would come back to her when they were separated, so they got along great, then! Once she found out we were serious, all hell broke loose and we endured a lot of craziness. Though she didn't direct it at me, thank god, it was still hellish to deal with all the drama, visitation interference and ultimately alienation. You can give him time to see how it goes, but don't get hitched.
It’s the same here, once she
It’s the same here, once she realised we were serious all hell broke loose including his access to the kids. It’s bonkers.
The decision not to tell the
The decision not to tell the kids was in keeping with BM wishes as they apparently are unaware the parents have split up. Agreed very odd.
Your BF allowed the kids to believe that he and their mother weren't split up for 6 years? Were they not living separately or were they still occupying the same home? These kids deserve the truth and hiding this big aspect of their lives is damaging. They are teaching these kids its ok to lie. Had your BF been upfront with the kids from jump and stood his ground with BM, most of this would have been nipped in the bud.
If he ever has this conversation with them what is he going to say......hey kids by the way your mother and I have been divorced for 6 years but we pretended we were together to spare your feelings?.....
Someone has to take responsibility here and do right by the kids.
They have been living
They have been living separately and because the children were 11 months old and four years when they split I don’t think there was ever a conversation. He helped her out loads in the years after their breakup. For the kids sake.
He keeps delaying telling them about being in a relationship with me because he doesn’t want to hurt them or screw up his access to the kids which is under review every three months through the courts. December is the final hearings and he wants to tell them after. I’m not sure what difference him being in a relationship makes to his access to his own children.
I don’t wish to engage with the BM either now or in the future.
If those kids like you now,
If those kids like you now, they won't after BM convinces them that YOU are the reason the parents divorced. Your boyfriend's agreement to not tell the kids about the divorce is going to cause severe problems down the road.
I am convinced the kids know
I am convinced the kids know the parents have split up. As far as I am concerned he needs to have an honest conversation with them and explain to them in a way which implies they already know that parents are divorced. I’ve explained already that if the kids get nasty with me this is a deal breaker as far as I am concerned.
Reading this forum makes me think these things very seldom work out when there’s a high conflict parent in the background.
You need to let this guy go.
You need to let this guy go.
He wants to have his cake and eat it, too. He hasn't done the work to clean up this huge mess or laid any groundwork to ease everyone forward. Give him his conge and tell him that when he has put his affairs in order to look you up.
I agree in one respect.
I agree in one respect.
However, he has been laying down the foundations over the last year to put this right. I think his anxiety relating to loosing contact with the kids had kept him under her control for years. He has a court order for access now and that’s massive progress for him.
He was so frightened of introducing me to the kids because of her behaviour.
It all looks so pathetic. I don’t have anything to do with my kids step mom, but I’ve never involved her in any of the situation with my ex. I’ve never had mouthed her to anyone, ever. She is kind to my kids. Why would I. Naively I thought every BM would be the same.
I wouldn't even consider
I wouldn't even consider marriage or bringing a baby into this mess.
You must resolve this before marriage
This may sound opinionated, but here goes: It sounds like you two are taking good strides to rectify and I see tons of great advice on this thread. He can do more to dis-empower the ex. First, yes by all means it is time to discuss your relationship with the kids. It should be clear and straight to the point that BM is always BM and that will never change. However, Dad now loves you and wants the children to get to know you. Advice on the delivery: He may want to find the best way to say to the children that he wants them to get to know you, BM is still their mom, their BM doesn't know you or much about your life, most of all that he wants to let the children get to know you; Dad is not saying they must like you or anything else, he just wants them to spend some time with you and he and judge for themselves by actions what you are like.
It sounds like he is being firm with the ex but he needs to make it very clear to her that there are boudaries. To quote my wife (one of my most favorite things she did when my ex was manipulative) She is the Ex for a reason and he owes her nothing outside what any divorce agreement is in place. Establish boundaries regarding calls, etc. make it clear to her that she is always BM and you are only interested in developing your own relationship at the kids' pace. Last two bits ... Find and start going to a good counselor with your BF as a decent one will give you some good insight and exercises. Finally, document document ... If you have to pursue anything else on a legal route then you need dates/times and info.
Your advice and that of all
Your advice and that of all posters has been so valuable.
Taking into consideration all of the advice received so far, I am thinking of doing the following:
1. Taking a break from him and the relationship so he can get some clear and firm demonstratable boundaries in place with his ex. From my current research it appears she is high conflict and this will not resolve fully, ever.
2. Because he only took her to court over access when he became involved with me, despite her years of threatening and refusing access she wants to blame me for his redicilous action. This is unfair on so many levels considering I have no role in the agreement between them and their children.
3. I cannot see a way forward with this relationship considering I have only met the children twice in 18 months. He seems frightened to tell them about our relationship somehow believing their BM this will cause the kids long term psychological harm.
So....
taking a step back from this relationship to give him time to sort through the outstanding issues around boundaries with her, is this a good idea? I can’t help but think how devastated I am going to be by not being invited to family occasions for his kids such as birthdays etc. For the rest of our relationship. It’s not a future I want for myself.
I think you're thinking more
I think you're thinking more clearly and no longer buying into your bf's b.s.
There's a right way and a wrong way to do most things, and this man had no business pursuing you and engaging your affections if he wasn't willing to do it in the open. I know that sounds old fashioned, but it's more about respect and setting things up for success.
He has chosen to allow fear of his ex to come before treating you the way he should. Making you his dirty little secret is actually going to cause more trouble for him in the long run, because he's given her more ammo to use against him (and you), while causing you pain, anger, and resentment. TBH, he seems very selfish to me.
Any man who isn't willing to stand up for you and proudly tell the world "She's mine!" doesn't deserve to have you. Step life is hard; harder still when there's a HCBM; and absolute misery with a weak partner. I hope you'll think long and hard while you're on a break.
The problem is that your SO
The problem is that your SO told his X about you and that he was going to introduce his kids to you.
These are his kids and what he does with his kids during his time with his kids is none of BM's business.
Hopefully he has learned his lesson on this after the protracted battle to get his kids back from the toxic womb donor. If he hasn't learned from this then move on to the next "wonderful" man. Just make sure that the next one has half a brain and some balls.
So there’s been significant
So there’s been significant developments over the last week.
He told his kids I am his partner.... one took it really well, one had a complete meltdown but settled with lots of reassurance from her father.
I shared this forum with him and he has a much better understanding of HCI and is really putting very firm boundaries in place. Let’s see how long he can keep that up for.
BM as expected lost her mind he had the audacity to tell the children his friend was in fact his partner and is now threatening access agaim...
I'm glad you shared this
I'm glad you shared this thread with your bf. You got comments from educated, long term step parents who have experience with High Conflict BMs. We can see the big picture and the far reaching implications of your situation.
Please keep updating and seeking advice here. We want good things for you and the skids.
Your bf should read everything he can find on HC parents, Parallel Parenting, Pathogenic Parenting, helping kids cope with divorce, and how best to integrate a new partner after divorce. The more you know, the more you know, right? He should also consider family counseling for himself and his kids so they can learn how to be a family without BM, develop coping strategies for the poo that she will fling, and strengthen their bonds as father and child.
The saga continues
BM has now refused access because the children “do not like” Daddy’s girlfriend. Funny because they told Daddy they do like his girlfriend. This is surely contemptuous of the court order for access?
It is contemptuous of the
It is contemptuous of the court order but... if daddy does not file a contempt motion each and every time BM pulls her shit she will just keep pulling her shit.
Daddy needs to go all in and destroy this hag or he and any partner he ever has are doomed. Sadly, so is his kid.
This is sadly predictable
This is sadly predictable stuff. I said above that your bf 's conduct would make things more difficult in the long run, and this is only the first salvo. Just as you train a dog, your BM has been allowed all the control. She's used to having her ex firmly under her paw, and is now punishing him.
Your bf needs to lawyer up ASAP and hit BM with a contempt of court charge. Don't expect this to be a magic fix; it's just the beginning of the next phase of his post divorce life. Because he didn't operate from a position of strength from the beginning, it's going to be that much harder and expensive to assert his rights now. He needs to show no mercy, drag her to court each and every time she violates the custody agreement, and get court ordered therapy for the kids to try to combat the poison BM will be feeding the kids.
Of course, you will be blamed for all of this, since everything was just fine and dandy until you came along and bewitched your bf. BM will blame you, and teach her kids to do so as well. Please show your BF my post, and I want to add one more thing:
If your bf isn't willing to sack up; if he doesn't have the courage and perseverance to fight hard and stand up to his ex; and if he isn't willing to protect you and your relationship from the toxicity of his baggage and mistakes, then you should walk away. Better to save yourself now than endure years of poo that has nothing to do with you.
Lawyer now instructed
And he is awaiting court date, apparently only takes a few weeks in the cases where there is a breech if the court order.
Will the counselling be necessary for the kids? How will this help the situation?
How does he protect me in all of this? Sorry to sound stupid but I need to be able to explain to him.
In terms of the kids are we best to keep me away from them until he fully figures out what poison she’s put in their heads about me? What steps can I take? Obviously I would love to reassure the kids but can’t help feel this is not my place.
Your BF should have two goals
Your BF should have two goals: to have strong, healthy relationships with his kids, and to demonstrate he can have a strong, healthy relationship with you. How to create and maintain those relationships while his HC ex is dripping poison in his kids' ears and causing stress is why counseling is needed.
A good family counselor can teach your bf strategies for handling BM and suggest ways to integrate you into the mix. He's going to need new tools to handle what's coming and to combat the effect BM will have on the kids. She's likely going to teach them to hate you, and she's going to use them as a means to hurt him. It's fairly common for Children of Divorce to end up in therapy these days, but if your bf can arrange for therapy for himself AND the kids, he'll have a mechanism for healthy and ongoing interaction in place before BM realizes how it spikes her guns.
Family court likes to see parents being proactive, so perhaps his attorney can mention that your bf has already scheduled therapy to help his kids with the changes in his personal life? He should find someone experienced, and outline his desire to mitigate past mistakes, help the kids transition to being part of a blended family, and cope with their HC mom. This is all work he should have done before getting serious with you, so watch and see how committed he is to correcting his mistakes before jumping into the mix.
I cannot emphasize enough how incredibly toxic this man's baggage is. He bred with crazy, and is going to pay a hefty price for that for the rest of his life. Do you want your children and you to be collateral damage in someone else's failed marriage? Your current relationship is based on only part of his life, a false paradigm so to speak, so you've only gotten a taste of how ugly things will be. Marriage, an ours baby, - none of that should even be up for discussion at this point, because you don't have all the information needed to make good decisions about whether you want you and your children involved in this mess. Don't be such an easy catch, OP. This is a man who took the path of least resistance at every turn, and that is a huge red flag. Protect yourself and your bios by slowing things waaay down.