Needing motivation
Hello
After 5 years of being with my now Husband, I feel I need some support and motivation from other stepmums. Bit of background; My husband has an 11 year old daughter and we now have two boys (3 &1.5 years). SDs biological is, I believe, poisonous. Although she had the affair and prompted my husband to leave her 4 years before we even met she is nothing but vile about me and has manipulated SD to hate me.
She has threatened to hit me if she ever sees me (and we live in the same town) and when I was pregnant she said she hopes the baby dies or is born with a disability. My husband gets email every few days with abuse and how awful we are. Yet she expects us to have SD a lot as she has taken up a full time job as a hairdresser.
We have SD every other weekend and evert Thursday. I fond myself getting very anxious as it is a very uncomfortable environment. We have tried talking to her, and I'm always trying to establish a relationship with her but she just doesn't want to. She barely says anything to me.
I love my husband and we have two gorgeous boys but every other weekend is so stressful and upsetting.
The only other stepmum I know has a lovely relationship with Stepkids.
Need support to keep going in this!
Stop trying to have a
Stop trying to have a relationship with her. It's unnecessary. Secnlly, take her email messages to the police to see if you have grounds for harassment charges and possibly a restraining order. It won't solve all of your problems but it might get her out of your hair.
We have been to the police
We have been to the police already but they did very little.
Feel so sad that I don't have a relationship with SD and feel guilty. She barely talks to her Dad now too.
Sorry, I read your post wrong
Sorry, I read your post wrong. I thought you wanted a relationship with BM! As far as your SD is concerned, remain polite and cordial with her but don't push things, that never works. OTOH, I would absolutely insist that she be polite too. No ignoring people when they talk to her. What does the court order look like as regards visitation, etc.? Is it 50-50?
Goodness no! I avoid her like
Goodness no! I avoid her like the plague! I don't see the need to have any relationship with BM (just getting used to the lingo on here!)
We do inisit that she is polite and say she can't ignore someone but is seems to go in one ear and out the other at the moment. We have rules in this house and we are teaching our boys manners so she has to live by them in this house.
BM has main custody and we have her every other weekend but we actually have her more now.
Their divorce and house sale was very messy.
From reading on here most BM seem to be difficult. It has been 5 years and no improvement, if anything it is worse with SD.
You know, you don't have to
You know, you don't have to take her if it's not on your time. Sorry BM we already have plans. There's no reason for you to be BM's unpaid babysitter... She wants to go out? She finds a sitter. You are not that person.
Treat SD11 with kindess
But have zero expectations of a relationship.
Focus your energies on your bios.
Difficult pill to swallow!
Difficult pill to swallow!
I'll definitely focus on my boys!
When my SDs relationship with
When my SDs relationship with my DH started to go downhill because of BMs poison it was quite sad to watch, it still is. Though, if she doesn't want anything to do with him she certainly won't want anything to do with me. I can't repair their relationship and I keep my relationship with SD secondary to DHs. There was a time he wanted me very involved with everything but I stepped back because SD was not there to see me she was there to see him.
Focus on the Skid's behavioral choices and do not invest
emotionally. Your DH needs to be supportive of you and make absolutely sure that BM has SD on BM's COd parenting time. If it is not DH's COd parenting time, SD is not present in your home and family.
11 is past old enough to understand the basics of behavioral standards and making good choices on the behaviors that she perpetrates. As such, when she chooses to violate the standards of behavior in your home, she chooses the consequences.
Make sure those consequences are applied.
Lather, rinse, repeat.
She either engages as a positive participant who complies with the family standards of behavior and performance, or... she spends her time with your family isolated writing countless sentences that address her poor choices.
This does several things. It appies a specific consequences for poor choices, it facilitates perfect hand writing, grammar, and punctuation, it isolates the miscreant ill behaved kid from the rest of the family thus minimizing that child's negative influences and impact, and it sets the example of the benefit of good choices for the younger kids.
BM has to be told NO any time she asks for a deviation from the COd visitation schedule. She does not and should not have the ability to not provide care for the SD during her time. PERIOD DOT!
As for parenting SD when she is in your home. DH needs clarity that he steps up and parents before you have to or he bites his tongue and has your back.
IMHO of course.