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Need suggestions/opinions/etc, not really step related...

RedWingsFan's picture

Hey there,

Some background: after suffering at the hands of an abusive 2nd husband for 8 long years, I was able to divorce him after catching him cheating. I had full custody of my daughter when I was with him up until the last 3 yrs. We moved around so much and she could never get settled or make friends, she decided to move in with her dad in Michigan. I understood. It killed me, but I understood and supported her.

I was able to make it on my own here in Colorado for a while and I met who is now my DH and we're happy. Daughter is 14 and happy to live in MI where all of her father's family, my family and her friends reside.

Michigan has a very poor economy as everyone knows and not very many jobs. Especially where DD lives. She even says she wants to move out of MI when she graduates high school in 4 yrs.

DH and his D14 are now estranged after several months and DH and I plan to move east from Colorado to Virginia, because we both want a fresh start in a place where we don't have family, kinda just have to rely on each other.

After telling my DD that we are thinking of moving to VA next year, at first she's thrilled because she loves it there (we used to live there) and plans to move there after graduation. Then she gets back to MI and decides after talking with my mother, that I should move back to MI and be there for her during her high school years.

Now I have them both trying to guilt-trip me into moving back to my home state JUST to be with my daughter until she graduates (which if we move there next year, would be 3 yrs) and THEN move to VA.

I'm torn. I don't think DH would go for it, although his first trip to MI over christmas last year he liked it. The whole point of picking up and moving is to have a fresh start for us, so I don't think he'd be open to going back to my old stomping grounds for a few years only to have to pick up and move again.

What are your thoughts? I'm torn. I do want to spend more time with my daughter, of course. But living in a state I don't really want to for just a few years, having to try and find us jobs and a place to stay and then do it all over again 3 yrs later?


Thanks for listening!

SMof2Girls's picture

That's an extremely difficult situation to be in. 3 years goes incredibly fast; and like you said, Michigan is an incredibly down economy. I currently have a friend who relocated out of MI just to get a job, and has been searching ever since for a job back there so he can move home to be with his family. It's been over a year now.

I think your daughter would understand that. You've said you guys have a really good relationship; so hopefully you can convince her that you can provide more for her from a distance.

Would you consider someplace closer to MI that's maybe a 2-3 hour drive away? I know VA is driveable, but that's still a whole day in the car. I guess it depends on where in MI your daughter lives too.

RedWingsFan's picture

Thanks, I've totally been in your shoes with the abusive ex. He moved me into his mother's home, which was right NEXT DOOR to his ex wife #2 and up the road from his ex wife #3. I was wife #4 for him. It was a nightmare.

And I think my mother has a lot to do with my daughter's new revelation that mom should move back home. Ex husband of mine was so abusive, my mom and I lost 6 yrs of contact with each other. I actually had to file a restraining order against her because she threatened to take my daughter away and also filed a false police report against me and the ex saying we tossed my daughter out of a moving vehicle to prove child abuse so my daughter would be back with her dad and closer to my mom! Yeah, it was all very ugly.

After I got loose from ex husband and struck out on my own, my entire family begged me to come back to MI to be close to them. They'd take me in, help me out. Well, after being controlled and told how to live for 8 years, I wanted to be on my OWN! So I stayed here in Denver and met my DH later.

My daughter and DH get along great and my daughter LOVES VA, wants to move there after high school graduation. At least if DH and I go ahead and move next year as planned, we'll be all set up there and she'll enjoy coming out to visit during the summer and have a place to stay after graduation if she so chooses.

UGH! I just let the guilt overpower me sometimes because I stayed in an abusive and horrid relationship affecting not only me, but my daughter AND my mom/family for so long. I will never get over what that man did to me.

RedWingsFan's picture

The whole point of moving at all really is to be in VA, closer to the ocean, where the jobs are plentiful, there's things to do, and where we'd like to retire perhaps. I'll be 40 next month and he's 38. Things are fine here in CO, we both have good jobs and his entire family is here, but we both want a new start in a place we've both always wanted to live - which happens to be VA.

So, if we are going to completely uproot ourselves, that's the only place we'd really consider. A 2-3 hr drive to my daughter's place is still in Michigan...

I'm thinking that since she just got home from spending 2 months here away from her friends, that's really the issue. If I lived in Michigan, she wouldn't have to spend every summer in Colorado anymore.

I brought that point up to her and she immediately signed off Facebook (cuz we were messaging each other) and hasn't responded to texts. Do you think I may have uncovered the real reason she wants me there?

RedWingsFan's picture

Love Fairfax too. We used to live in the country, Round Hill and also in Bluemont. I've lived in 11 states including Hawaii, and Virginia is the only place I want to be!

Yes, I think that with my mom's manipulation and my daughter's own desires to have me close by at her beck and call and not have to leave all summer, it all just stacked up.

If she and my mother want to resent me for the rest of my life because I chose something that would make me happy, and able to see them even MORE than I do now, what more can I say?

RedWingsFan's picture

Thanks everyone. I really needed some confirmation that I'm not being selfish or neglecting her.

Hell, I'll definitely see her more often once we move to VA than I do now here in Denver! It's driving distance, about 10 hrs, and a long weekend every other month plus a bit in summer and at Christmas would be way more than I see her living in CO.

I think she's just not wanting to leave her friends anymore during summer vacation. Now that she has a boyfriend and they want to spend every waking moment together, I can see not wanting to leave for 2 whole months at a time.

And when she gets bored at her dad's, she could always call mom to come get her...constant entertainment!

I feel better about this decision now and just hope she doesn't resent me for the rest of her life because I didn't move to Michigan!

SMof2Girls's picture

Best of luck to you! I honestly believe happy people make better parents Smile

RedWingsFan's picture

Thanks. We're hoping the move to the 1 bedroom apartment in October will help save us more money for the move to VA sometime next year.

Like I said, my daughter was excited to hear about us moving to VA until my mom got her home and then I'm sure there was a lot of manipulation there...cuz my mom is constantly begging me to come home!

RedWingsFan's picture

I just want to thank you all. I feel much better and am conversing with my daughter now through Facebook about my concerns. She seems to get it and said that a lot of it came from my mother, who is still bitter about losing so many years with us.

VA plans are still in motion. Now I just have to get through this first step, moving to the 1 bedroom across the parking lot and downsizing! Step one!!!

RedWingsFan's picture

Hubby has been here in Colorado for 28 yrs and wants a change. Virginia is Sooooooo nice but we'll miss it here