Need some help deciding...
My DH has 3 children. SD10 is with his first wife of 10 years. We get along great with SD10's BM. As a matter of fact, I do 99% of the communication with her. She is what all BM's should be like, very easy to get along with and very understanding and flexible. We have SD10 EOW, which is normal, plus we have her outside of that whenever we want.
DH also has 2 boys, SS5 and SS3 with his rebound GF who he was with for 5 years. The boys BM told DH at the time they were together that she was not able to have children (basically she tricked him and they ended up with 2 kids). The boys BM is our absolute nightmare. She is an RN and works weekends only, therefore we have skids EVERY weekend because this is what suits her. DH has been trying to change this schedule since she took on the weekend shift. The boys do not like me at all (the 5 year old even told me that he hated me). They hate coming to our home and they run and hide and throw fits when DH goes to pick them up. BM bad-mouths us to the boys which I believe is part of the problem. BM has no family here (family is in Nebraska, we are in Pennsylvania) and she relies heavily on my DH. She takes a lot of his money every month even though they almost make the same amount in salary and she threatens to take him to court for more. At this point we are finding it difficult to even make our bills every month.
BM has the opportunity to change her schedule so that we have a normal schedule with the skids (EOW and a night during the week), but she refuses to do so. She even calls DH's parents all the time to help her out.
She recently has asked DH to let her move to Nebraska and take the boys with her. He could then have them for one month (or more) in the summer and EO winter break and EO Spring break. And if he lets her do this, she would not want any child support from him at all.
My question is: does anyone have a situation like that where skids live in a different state? And if so, how is it working?
We are afraid that DH would not have much of a relationship with his boys and we're afraid that once they get older, they will not want to visit at all.
But if skids lived in Nebraska and we didn't have to pay child support, then we could have a child of our (which is out of the question right now) and we could put money away for the boys college and other things.
Any thoughts?
My ss lives in a different state..
I would rather be hated for who I am, then loved for who I am not.
and honestly I think that has been one of the best things for my marraige to dh. It isnt because dh and I would not want ss8 around more, but it does mean that we do not have to deal with the bm on a daily or weekly basis like most people do. Having the bm further from us allows us to focus on us, our home, our jobs, our lives without the ongoing drama. My dh only communicates with the ex by e-mail or certified mail, but he calls and speaks with his son weekly. We have 6 weeks summer visitation every year, and we rotate all holidays, fall break, Thanksgiving, Christmas break and Spring break. In regards to your concern that as they get older your dh's boys might not want to come and visit, I believe this is something all NCP face as children get older regardless of geographic location, as they have their own lives, friends, extracurricular activities, ect. Not to mention the PAS that alot of bm's use on the children, can effect how they feel as they get older in the choices they make regarding visitation.My dh not only speaks to his son weekly( 1-2) times, but he goes online to stay up to date with ss grades at school, has a list of all Doctors that ss sees and maintains communication with them when needed, sends ss cards and pictures of his family and home here( we send him duplicates of all pictures taken while he is with us)ect.Is there an existing order for the child support and visitation? Before the bm moves with the boys, get a modification in court to show the change in visitation schedule,and tell dh to keep reaching out to them no matter how far away they are. I understand the bm has stated that your dh will not have to pay her c.s if she moves, but if it is court ordered he will have to continue to pay that amount. I do not believe a judge will order no c.s payments, as it is thier job to look out for the childrens best interest, however, if bm is not opposed, she can agree to have the current c.s payment modified to a lower amount. BTW, both modifications, visitation and child support can be applied for together and in some states your dh can file for these modifications to be heard without an attorney. Hope this helps.Good Luck.
Yes
SS lives out of state, and we love not having to deal with BM. As far as cs, you guys can have a lawyer draw up a custody/visitation schedule that says 50% legal custody with physical custody to her and visitation to ya'll, and that says so cs order, but a judge will have to sign off on it. We talked to a lawyer about this too, because currently we have 100% sole custody of SS throught the courts, but he lives with BM, and at one time she was talking about having custody switched over to her since he lives there. We said we would agree if we could get a court order saying no child support (but we would still pay voluntarily, just a lesser amount than what a court would order) but we have yet to actually do all this. We all talked to a lawyer about it though. BUT...BM could always go back and file for it. So if she says no cs, get it filed in court (lawyers will usually do this if both parties agree to sign for about $300) so that if she ever goes back to ask for it, it won't be back ordered.
As far as a relationship with them, no, it won't be the same. He can try to stay involved through phone calls and visits, but they will end up missing out on some stuff, obviously. My dad moved across the country when I was 12 & I barely saw him and felt like I lost contact with him. I didn't want to talk on the phone very often, it felt ackward to me, but I think he only called once or twice a month. And I never wanted to go visit, because I didn't think it was fair I had to leave all my friends during the summer just because he moved away. With SS, he is 11, almost 12, but we haven't had any problems yet with him not wanting to visit. My son's dad is also out of state & he LOVES going to visit him, and talks to him on the phone daily (he's 5). So I think at certain ages the kids may be a little less willing to visit, like the teenage years, and he will miss out on things like watching his kids play sports, going to school plays, parent teacher conferences, etc...I think it really does put a wedge in the relationship.
"I child proofed my whole house, but they STILL get in!"