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Need some advice with nightmare MIL - Really long post, Am so sorry but need to rant!

KeepOnMoving's picture

I have been with my partner for 3 years now, his two children and I have a great relationship and he and I are very happy.

The short of it is that I have single handidly taken my partner and his kids out of 'council estate life' (no insult meant) and set him up driving (he is 28 yrs old but could never afford any of this), got him a car, we bought a house together etc. He and the kids had never really done Christmas but I love it so now we all love it as a family and make a big deal out of birthdays and christmas etc. I don't feel I am owed anything, I do it out of love.

I have extended this generosity to his family, his parents are seperated and I have done my best to make everyone happy, I take his mum to the shops to get food, take his sisters out to parties and pick them up, I decorated his Dads flat because the council had left him behind. This is all done at mine and my partners expense.

My partner tells me all the time how much I have changed his life, how happy he is now and how much better he can cope with his ex.....oh yeah I am also the one who deals with the ex because they just fight. the BM and I have a very good relationship, we have a mutual respect for each other and can always find a comprimise without anyone getting hurt. Needless to say my partner thinks he now has the perfect life.....Until now.

His mother and I have got on, in my eyes, on a very superficial level. I have never really warmed to her as she is very different to me (I am quite straight forward, you want it...do it type attitude). His mother is more of a 'victim' who can't do anything for herself, emotionally blackmails her children into doing it for her and then cries if anyone says anything.

I have always kept quiet...this is not my fight. Every kids party where she refuses to come because my partners father is there and then lectures us about how we dont care about her and only care about the dad etc. Even when she told the rest of the family that I was selfish (despite EVERYTHING I do for her family) no through all of it, I keep quiet.

My partner was meant to go and see her two days ago but he cancelled last minute. I don't know why, was nothing to do with me. She got very upset and blamed ME, said I had changed the plans because at the time we happened to be at his brothers down the road. Now, lets look at the actual facts....We were at his brothers because if she called late it would be easier to get to her and spend a bit more time there before dropped the skids off so actually was for her benefit. I didn't know why he cancelled, not my mum n not my problem. So I rang her and left her a vmail as she didn't answer telling her exactly what we were doing at his brothers, that I don't know what is going on and dont you dare drag me into an arguement that is nothing to do with me.

Left at that.

Yesterday she text me saying I am constantly putting a wedge between her and her own, that she welcomed me into the family and my selfish nature is taking her children away from her. That I am controlling her son and stopping him seeing her. etc. etc. etc. BITCH.

I tried phoning but she did not answer so I responded telling her I had had enough, this was going to stop. I told her exactly what I thought of her, how she treated her children and how it affects my partner. That she was the sole reason her kids don't see her anymore, how sick I am of hearing her slag off their dad, not come to the skids parties and make it everyone else problem. I told her she was a selfish woman who I have bent over backwards for without a hint of gratitude. Finally I told her that I am really not interested in having a person in my life who uses me as a scape goat because she doesn't want to blame her son or god forbid herself. She knows my partner will cut her out if she hassles him too much.

I told my partner of our 'chat'. I told him that, although I would never normally put anybody in this position, I feel i have sacrificed everything I have to be with him, I literally have nothing left to give (emotionally or otherwise). I am exhausted by his families using nature and being the butt of all blame because I am an 'outsider'. I told him I did not want anything to do with his mother, I will not speak to her or see her unless it is really neccessary. I will be civil and that is it.

I gave him the option of leaving me and he said no. I told him to really think about this because I do not want her at my wedding as she is the sort of person to cause a scene. If we had children, her seeing them would be conditional - she would not be left alone with them and she would not see them as often as she would want to unless the children said they would like to see her. She has poisoned the minds of all of her grandkids and turned them against their grandad (my partners dad) so if I heard one whisper that she had done the same, she would be banned from seeing them again.

He thought about it for a while and said that he felt it was reasonable enough, that his mother has put us both through hell and she is the one in the wrong. He asked if she tried to sort things out with me, would I and I said yes of course but it would always be on a superficial level. We are just too different to be close friends.

I know at some point I am going to have to have a chat with her but I am so angry. His brother and wife are on my side so to speak, as is he. His sisters have said they are not angry with me but will have to stand by their mum (because they are brainwashed and she will cry if they don't).

I literally do not know what to do, I will be civil with her and get on with things but she will remain on a need to see basis with me whether we sort things out or not. I don't want a relationship with her, she is poison but I love my partner and don't want him to be upset but in pretending everythings okay and apologising to her, I am sacraficing the last strengths I have....and this will only happen again!?

Please help!! I am at my wits end with this woman and she won't even talk face to face or on the phone so we can't actually resolve anything!! How do you deal with an adult who behaves like such a child?! (Btw she gave up my partner and kept her other children - my partner went with his drug addict father when he was 13...she didn't fight for him but still remains on her pedestal of motherhood).