You are here

Need some advice about my ex - sorry so long.

zoethepug's picture

I have been told time and time again to give it up, but after 8 years I'm tired of keeping quiet. If he would just disappear completely out of our lives, I think I would be able to move on, but time and time again he rears his ugly head and I have to remind myself that this is my children's father!

I was married quite young (19), and so of course it was no surprise when our marriage didn't work out, but we made a great go of it. We were together for 7 years and made three beautiful children, and we were happy. We even managed to buy our first home together. But, the 7-year itch hit and he had an affair. That in itself I think I could have worked on, but after I finally did my homework on him, I found out many horrible lies this man had been telling me. He was living a double life the whole time.

His father died (during our honeymoon), and he left us with nothing but debt. We got stuck with the funeral bill and all his outstanding bills. And so at the ripe old age of 19 and 20 we started our marriage with a bankrupcy. They share the same name and they had a bank account together, where his father's social security checks were coming, and he never sent in the death certificate. I remember during the funeral, they gave us copies of the DC and we were instructed to send it in to his creditors as well as doctors and Social Security. So, the next month when he got his bank statement, I told him he needs to send the DC in to social security, and he said sure he would do it. Then the bank statements stopped coming in, and he told me he had closed the account.

Time goes on...we manage to have a family, a life. I got my MT certificate and worked at home, happily raising the kids, and he would come home (drove a truck for a living) and automatically hand me the paycheck so I could do the bills. He also got paid "cash under the table" so he said, for odd jobs he would do for the boss. We never had fights about money, which is usually the #1 reason for a divorce. During our final year of marriage, I became concerned that he was having an affair, and doing my homework, I caught him about 3 months later. I thought I was going crazy during that time. I really needed hard proof to believe he was cheating.

So, our marriage was on the rocks, and I became concerned that my child support would be affected by his "cash under the table," so I went to his boss and explained the situation. The boss said he never paid him cash under the table, and I sat there, stunned, trying to figure out where this money was coming from. Then his boss proceeds to tell me that he has been getting bank statements sent to the job and he tells the boss to throw them away. He had just got one that day, so he let me take a look...sure enough, his dad's ss#, then ATM withdrawals, taking it all out. This had been going on for 7 years! I freaked. Not only did he have this $$, but he had a very flexible work schedule and so he was able to virtually carry on a double life. It still makes me sick to my stomach when I think about it today, 8 years later. I went directly to my lawyer and asked him what to do. He said because my name was on none of that stuff I was fine. As far as turning him in - not unless I don't want to see a dime of child support, and that was just not an option with 3 kids under the age of 5 at the time.

I didn't want my kids to have anything to do with an evil man like this, but of course, this is my kids' father. I know about parental alienation, and I never wanted to do that, so I never stopped him from seeing his kids. Over the last 8 years, however, he has proven himself to be a very lousy father! His visitations became less and less, and he rarely called his kids, even when he was serving in the army, he never made 1 phone call when he was away for a year. Then he constantly changes jobs to dodge the child support payments, and he's so nasty to me. When he did call, all he would say is "let me talk to the kids." If I tried to speak with him, he would cut me off and demand to speak to the kids, and I never said anything, just handed the phone to the kids. The conversation would last less then 5 minutes, and barely anything would be said between them.

He remarried, that only lasted for 2 years. Now he has found himself a 20-something YO girl and has gotten her pregnant and they got married a few weeks ago and he failed to even mention it to the kids until 2 weeks later. He took our kids to a restaurant and matter of factly told them he was married and to expect a new brother or sister, then he sent them home again, and they haven't heard from him since. It's been a month. His oldest son turned 14 on June 3, and he never even got a phone call.

His mother told me last night that he has sent out invitations for a reception and that she will not be going, and she told me to be on the lookout for the kids' invitation. His whole family has disowned him, including his brother and sister. I have decided not to even inform my kids about this. I am sure that shindig will make them VERY uncomfortable. My poor prepubescent kids have to watch their father rub it in that he has moved on with his life and left them in the dust. I can't expose them to that unhealthy environment.

Another thing that gets me is, he managed to find himself a rich girl (well, her parents are rich). One is a therapist and the other is a lawyer, and she is going to law school (who knows how she will do that with a baby on the way). I wonder how they were able to come to accept a guy like this. I can only think that he has got to be telling them a web of lies. Doesn't the therapist wonder why he never sees his kids or pay support? and she was happy he was marrying her daughter? What is he telling them about me? He's probably telling them I'm a crazy BM that won't let him see his kids, and lots of horrible stuff that's not true. I want to blow the lid off his pot of boiling bullshit, but most people believe there is nothing I can do. I want to do an intervention. I want to contact this therapist mother and see if she can't coordinate a way for the whole family, his mother, his brother, his sister, and me (on behalf of the kids) and get the truth all out on the table for the sake of all his kids and the new family he is creating. Doesn't everybody deserve the truth? Can I email his new MIL the therapist and ask her?

Well, this is getting long. I'm sorry if there are a few details missing, but I would be typing forever. I can answer questions as they come. Thanks for any advice.

Lauren973's picture

That what you say is completely accurate, you should find out what the statute of limitations is on SS fraud and turn him in if possible. Is he STILL receiving the checks?
You might have reason to doubt that his new wife and her family even KNOW about your children. Perhaps you should turn him in and send the paperwork along with a statement of CS in arears and a photo of your family (ideally with him included) to the Therapist mom.

On the other hand, and this is probably the route I WOULD CHOOSE, you can walk away and close the door forever. Remember that this 20 law student is not a fully developed human yet, and she will learn a GREAT deal about life and her place in it over the next few years. If she is from an educated family, she is likely to see him for who he is in time - and he will lose her too. Her father being an attorney, he will not stand a chance in the long run. He is creating his own demise and while it may SEEM to you that he win's over and over again... That decision is left up to FATE. You just don't know what will go through his head on his death bed.
Rather, start the process of seperating your children from his destruction, and go on with your OWN life. Always remember that living well is the best revenge, and you can't live well when you are consumed with hatred - even if it is deserved.
This is YOUR life. Stop letting him play a role in it.
Anyway, you have options.

not the momma's picture

To Lauren973 That was some great advice. I also believe that the best revenge is to go on with your life, raise your kids and know that in the end God will deal with that individual.My BD23 has in the past attempted to have a relationship with her BD. I remember back about 10 years ago. I became a single parent and had a hard time providing for her and her 2 sisters. She was talking to him behind my back on the telephone. When I was made aware of it, I called him to see what was going on. He proceeded to just go off on me telling me that I had no right to tell her that she could come and live with him. Which I had not done. Now this man has barely been in her life, we live in different states but even a phone call was too much to ask for. When she graduated from middle school, she wanted a new dress, new shoes, hair done, which I paid for. She told him that she needed $20.00 to pay for her cap and gown, which he said he would send. Here it is 10 years later and we still havent seen that $20.00. Now he dosn't even answer her phone calls. She found her BG number on line, she called this woman who acted like she was so happy to hear from her. BG stated that she was on her way to church and that she would call her back. She never did, and when my BD called her again, Guess what, the number was disconnected. Now you know where sorry ass BF gets it from. And my daughter was calling to let her know that she had a Great Grandson.
I told my Daughter that those people will be in hell in Gasoline drenched Underwear, because they have no right to treat her in that manner. I used to have problem with BD when she was younger, she always wanted to go live with BF, but I always told her that I would not allow it. But I never spoke negatively about BF, always kept my opinions to myself. She was always the one attempting to have a father/ daughter relationship. My advice to her was: As long as you know that you have done everything that you could possibly do, know that in you heart and mind that you are not the reason there is no relationship. He was the adult and as a BF it was his place to see about her. Now that she is older she understands why I felt that way. I still hurt for her because my grandson is such a beautiful little boy, I love him with all my heart, and I know she want's nothing more than to share him with her BF and his family. But she can't. But despite all of that I continued to raise her on my own, to have a good self asteem about herself, to be independent, and not worry about them (BF/BG) or anybody else. To know that she is a wonderful, beautiful woman and that it is their loss not her's.

goincrazy's picture

I would do what Lauren suggested. The picture of the family and the CS statement is classic! Your children will be more greatful to you if you let them learn about their father on their own. I would tell them about the reception--and let them go if they want to! If they don't want to that will be their decision and I think that they will respect you more in the future for that. If you don't tell them and they find out later in life that you knew about it and kept it from them, they might resent you. My mother always let me and my sibling learn about our father in our own time, and we both know how he is now and are better people for knowing how not to be!!! Let him make a fool out of himself in front of the kids!!!!

Chocoholic's picture

Send the picture of the family and the CS statment to the lawyer father and the therapist mother and THEN close the door and walk away!! But thats just me....