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Need honest opinions. Is DH handling this wrong???

michela96's picture

I want to start off by saying DH and BM DO NOT get along. They ONLY communicate by text and its very rare. SD13 has a bunch of emotional/behavioral problems that she sees a psychiatrict for once ever two months that both parents attend with her. This is the only time both parents are ever together.

Last week SD13 called DH hysterical wanting him to come pick her up from BM's house. According to SD13 Both BM and her step dad were yelling/screaming at her and her older step sister hit her because she would not take the dog for a walk. I immediately called BS. SD13 is a pathological liar who likes to play the victim. As much as I hate BM I was thinking there is more to this story than what SD13 is telling us. BM TOTALLY babies SD13 and there is NO WAY I could see her yelling at SD13 or allowing older step sister to hit her for just "not walking the dog". Of course DH was ready to fly over there and "rescue" SD13. I was able to stop DH(at least for 1 hour) and when he called SD13 back she CALMLY told him "everything is fine now" and it was dropped.

This is NOT the first time SD13 has said something awful about BM's house. SD13 knows both parents hate each other.

Here is my question....Even though BOTH parent hate each other I think DH should have at least text BM and find out what was going on. Not in a accusing way but like 'hey our daugher called me hysterical can you tell me why she's so upset"?  When I suggested this to DH he was like no way as BM will not tell him the whole truth. Which is very possible BUT SD13 was sure as hell not telling the "whole" truth either and she knows DH would never call/text BM to get her side of the story.

Thoughts?? Do you think DH should be contacting BM in situations like this to get her side of the story?

Survivingstephell's picture

Parallel parenting.  What happens in each house stays there.  Especially in high cconflict situations.  A benefit of this type of parenting is that the step parents are rarely drawn into drama like this when the boundaries are kept and respected.  Make SD respect that.  

michela96's picture

BUT The issue I see is DH BELIEVING SD in what she says goes on at BM's house. I feel SD13 needs to be caught and to be called out for lying. Right now SD13 knows daddy will believe everything she says and take her side. In my opinion I think if SD13 knew DH would be following up with a phone call to BM about things SD13 tells him she may stop with this nonsence.

Survivingstephell's picture

That's what she wants.  The attention and power to disrupt her parent's lives.  Its sick and twisted thought process.  Remember the boy who cried wolf?  

Do you really want your husband jumping every single time SD does this??  Sure go ahead and let DH follow thru every time.  You will be back soon enough telling us you are regretting it.  Girls need firm boundaries and expectations.  I brought up 3 to launch and one more  who's 11.  The marriage needs to come first, his daughter  is an important responsibility for him but the marriage should be his first priority.  IMO

ndc's picture

If BM and the stepdad are screaming at SD and she's being beaten by the stepsister, do you think BM is going to admit that to DH?  I suspect he doesn't trust BM all that much, so then he'll just be trying to sort out the lies.  Better to leave BM out of it.  I like the idea of telling SD to call 911 if SD feels like she's in danger.  I would also tell SD that she should feel free to bring issues up with her psychiatrist so that she can learn some coping techniques.  Psych is a mandated reporter, and also in communication with BM, so if there's a real issue there, it'll be figured out.

tog redux's picture

If BM were normal - yes. But BM isn't normal. If he texts BM she will turn it around on him and it will become a big conflict.

He needs to tell SD to take it up with BM and SF if she's feeling mistreated.

My SS does this too - fairly rarely, but it happened recently.  DH doesn't run over to rescue, since SS is 20, but he gets caught up in talking to SS about it.  I do think it's a dynamic created when parents hate each other, and I wish DH would just tell SS to figure it out himself and not entertain his victim crap.  I used to have sympathy for SS when he was younger, I don't have one iota anymore. He's not a victim, he's an active participant in the drama.