Need help please.
Does anyone have experience with parental alienation and its effect on children? My husband's ex is very sneaky in what she does. Its a fine line or comes down to he said she said so it's hard to prove in court. Below are just a few examples
Bio mom will openly make fun of overweight people in front of daughter(kelly)( we are not around but Kelly tells us). Bio mom is thin but we are not.
If husband makes a rule at our house and Kelly does not like it she will go complain to her mother who will tell her our rules are stupid/not fair and purposly let her do it at her house. We don't expect the ex to have the same rules BUT don't encourage Kelly to be defiant and tell her our rules are dumb.
If there is something kelly wants to do and we think she's to young her bio mom will let her do it just to make us look bad. Bio mom never disciplines. She always leaves that up to us. She always wants us to be the bad parents and she's the fun one. Bio mom also has no problem pointing it out to Kelly either that she's the fun parent and we never do anything with her.
My husband are very happy together and bio mom is miserable. How would you handle someone like this? Could all this effect our relationship with Kelly down the road or will she see her mother's bullshit when she's older?
Agree this is what we are
Agree this is what we are trying to do. My concern is bio mom will turn Kelly against her father and I. Kelly loves her mom as any kid would and I think she just goes along with her mother's hurtful comments as she knows that's what her mother wants. I worry not only that bio mom will turn Kelly against us by being the fun parent all the time but Kelly's emotional health having to play along with her mother's hurtful comments
I wouldn't consider that
I wouldn't consider that parental alienation, just different parenting.
My skids were alienated from their father. Skids and BM had most of the symptoms that is outlined in this link.
OSD is starting to realize what BM and her family has done. For over 6 years, she didn't even want to be in the same town as him. Now they are starting to reconnect. Something I never thought would happen.
https://www.parentalalienation.com/articles/symptoms-parental-alienation...
Sadly this is normal and not
Sadly this is normal and not parental alienation. There’s really nothing you could do in court. BM is going to parent how she wants and it seems like her approach is to be your SD’s friend / the fun parent. The thing is being the fun parent like this is that is creates a chaotic and unstable home.
In our case BM doesn’t like to parent at her home. It’s hurting her. She calls my SO complaining about stuff because she doesn’t have control. The kids are smart. They know what they can get away with at moms. We already see it.
BM is constantly complaining about her son’s eating habits but it’s her fault. When he’s with us we have rules and he knows he has to follow them. Sure it took longer than it should for him to figure it out but he has. He’s 4. He is old enough to realize that with mom if he wants to whine and cry he doesn’t have to eat dinner and she will give him whatever he asks for. That's her fault. She decided not to parent and try to win him by giving him sweets. With us he knows he has to eat what’s for dinner because we’re not going to go make him a bowl of cereal instead.
Basically make you rules and stick to them. Your SD is going to whine and complain. She’s going to say “But mom lets me” or “But I don’t have to at moms’s”. Your answer is “you’re not at mom’s and this is how we do it here.” Your SO needs to back you on it.
Yes in the long run your SD may rebel and reject you guys. Or she may see the chaos at mom’s home and decides she likes the consistency your home offers. You can’t play mom’s game because it’s not fun. Create the home you want and demand the kids live up to it or else your prisoners in your home. Yes you may end up with a child who seems to be two people. With you she may end up well behaved and polite while with mom she's a monster. There's no way to know.
But it comes down to how do you want to live your life. Do you want to give in and let SD do whatever so she will like you guys or do you want to try and raise her to be a responsible, independent adult?
In my experience an highly
In my experience an highly effective way of dealing with PAS behavior is to season the kid(s) with the facts of the toxic individuals choices and bring the full pain of every legal, financial, and social consequence that you can apply down on the toxic idiot(s) in the blended family opposition like 10Lbs of crap in a 1Lb bag.
As the kid realizes that her crap will not be tolerated, that her mommy is a toxic POS, and that consequences will come down on the toxic BM the kid will eventually gain clarity and if she has half a brain her behavior will adjust for the better.
BM is her friend not her
BM is her friend not her mother... what BM does at her home has nothing to do with you and DH.
BE careful, kids are very manipulative and you only have Kelly's say so, best would be to keep on saying the following to Kelly,
I don't care what BM does, she's not part of our house hold, in this house things are done our way...
you do not negotiate and you do not compete being the fun parent, tell DH... kids are suppose to hate their parents, it's life, thus if Kelly screams and shouts she hates ya all, laugh and simply say.. hate away little girl but the rules will remain (The I hate you is simply a form of manipulation)
Maybe one day when Kelly is an adult she will appreciate the strict rules she had in her fathers house.