Need Help ASAP
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My friend has just left her marriage with her three children. The marriage had been abusive (never to the kids, and they never saw it). She is trying to keep the kids calm, and let them know she will not keep them from their daddy (and he has, in all honesty, been good to the kids). He knew for a while that this was coming, but is very distraught. He asked the kids if they wanted to go to a family member's birthday party today. My friend is willing to let the children go with him, but my question is, what if he doesn't return the kids? She JUST left yesterday. There is no separation agreement, no custody agreement, nothing.
That's what I was afraid of
That's what I was afraid of
I guess it depends on the
I guess it depends on the state you are in.....In Michigan what she did could be considered kidnapping. Personally, I would never make the decision to leave unless some kind of written agreement or separation was in order.
Now, in MI a friend of mine was beaten by her husband....she left the house with her baby sleeping in the crib. Her husband called the police and a lawyer and she was considered to have abandon the child....a very long process ensued and it took many many months for her to see her child again. The moral of her story is that she should have contacted the police first.
Prayers to you...and your friend.
She's tried, and he won't
She's tried, and he won't agree to ANYTHING. And it seems like the attorneys and courts couldn't help UNTIL she left. Ugh!
Every state is different
Every state is different however at this time I wouldn't let the kids go, all visits with them until an order is in place should be public and supervised to avoid any issues and so he can't complain he doesn't get to see the kids. If he is abusive and she is concerned an RO should be gotten and an RO can specify his visits with the kids. She needs to call her local women's abuse support and they can help her with this
I agree. It is SO
I agree. It is SO frustrating to watch what she is going through right now. On one hand, she knows she has to get herself and her children out of the situation. On the other hand, he has guilt-tripped her so much, she's terrified of damaging her children forever. Like it's HER fault....smh. She has never had the law involved with the abuse, so there's no documentation, no proof. I don't even know how much a local abuse support could help her. It's so sad what these women go through....I think the emotional torment is even worse than the physical abuse. She's a shell of the strong woman I knew 20 years ago.
Tell her to contact the local
Tell her to contact the local women's shelter. There are things that can be done without documentation. I don't know the protocol as I have never done it however, the BM I deal with claimed mental and emotional abuse from DH and basically got anything she asked for including for him to pay the mortgage until the end of the year until she could claim she could not lie in the house anymore due to all the bad memories and was awarded section 8/HUD housing. I know it sounds insane but it happened DH had given BM so many decrees before we met and I was there for the last 8 months of the divorce drama, not sure what compelled me to stay during that mess.
whoa!!! she needs to be very
whoa!!! she needs to be very careful. sometimes whoever files first sets the stage for the whole case. he could refuse to give them back to her and there is nothing the police could do. she should make an excuse and not give him the until she has a temporary order, if there was domestic violence, she needs a protective order to prevent him from taking the kids or using the kids to hurt her. tell her not to be stupid here, she could lose her kids. a temporary order can set the stage for the whole custody case sometimes.
Good advice, I'm going to let
Good advice, I'm going to let her read all the comments here. Thank all of you ladies so much!
And yes, I agree with you. I
And yes, I agree with you. I don't (and she doesn't) believe he is of any harm to the children, AND that he is entitled to see them as much as she is.....however, she is not trying to keep them from seeing or having a relationship with their other parent. I fear that he WOULD get them, and keep them away from her to punish her. Hopefully, she can see her attorney on Monday.
Is there a reason the mother
Is there a reason the mother thinks he won't bring them back? Seems like she trust him or she would not let them go. Are you making a mountain out of a mole hill?
I'm not accusing but some people like starting wars when they're not needed. Maybe you should just let them work it out while giving your friend a shoulder to lean on when she wants it but only then.
First of all, thank you for
First of all, thank you for all of your responses. I'm happy to say that the children are back in her care.
Serene Hopes, We live in a VERY small area. There are no shelters here....I think the nearest is an hour and a half away, which would disrupt the children more than their lives have already been disrupted. There is a "helpline" consignment store....hopefully she can contact them, also Monday morning. Maybe they can steer her in the right direction.
Orange Co.... she's guilt-ridden. I wouldn't say she "trusts" him, but she DOES NOT want to keep the children from their father. He makes threats, then a few hours later he's crying and apologizing and begging. At times, he tells her she's an unfit mother and he will take the children from her, then turn around and tell her she's the best mother in the world. (And no, she's not unfit....sometimes her house is messy....but three small children? Ummmmm.....sorry, it's hard to keep a house to his "spotless" standards.) It seems it may have been making a mountain out of a molehill, but she was scared, and I was scared for her. This is very new and she doesn't know what to expect.
Dtzy obviously understands. There's a nervousness, and years of emotional abuse that makes a woman feel confused and scared, and like every choice she makes is wrong. It's hard to understand if you haven't experienced it or watched someone close to you experience it.
Thank you all for your help and advice! She WILL start legal proceedings Monday to avoid any further scary moments.
I'm going to share what I
I'm going to share what I have learned because frankly some of the responses here are just histrionic and like OC said...making a mountain out of a molehill.
I understand being nervous since her experience with him has been negative, but the fact is, he has been very good with the kids. Even parents who have an abusive relationship (it can go both ways) are not necessarily forced into supervised visitation because there is NOTHING saying that these parents will all of a sudden start abusing their kids if they have been good parents in the past. Do not fall into the trap of believing that an abusive person is abusive to everyone. Sometimes two people can simply not get along for whatever reason. I have been abusive to ONE person EVER because he antagonized me for the fun of it. I was only 21 and he had a history of being physically abusive (I found out later) and apparently he had moved onto psychological abuse. So I see how these things can happen between grown adults.
I would only grow concerned if the dad becomes depressed or starts doing/saying strange things. If there is a psych disorder, keep your guard up. She does need to get legal papers asap, but in the mean time does not need to treat her kids' father as if he is a criminal for wanting to spend time with his kids. THIS behavior can set off depression and follow with real concerning behavior.