My stepdaughter's mom told me to stop making gifts for her!
Forums:
I don't know what to do. I'm trying really hard to be a good person. My stepdaughter is 5, I've been married to her dad since last summer. I helped her make a card and a little string friendship bracelet for her mom for Mother's Day and now her mom called my husband and told him to tell me "I don't need gifts from your wife!" I was doing it to be sweet to my stepdaughter. What should i do? Is it wrong that I helped her make something for her mom? My stepdaughter was so excited to give the card and the bracelet to her mom! I'm at a loss. I'm young (younger than my husband and his ex) and new to being a stepmom but I love kids and I love my stepdaughter. It seems like no matter what I do it's the wrong thing.
Yeah, stop helping her make
Yeah, stop helping her make things. I think if anything, you could tell her to make her mom a card or something. 5 is old enough to make a bracelet on her own. If you really want to do something or help SD do something, just give her the supplies she needs to do something on her own. I'm not saying you are wrong, but I'm imagining SD on Mother's day telling mom all about the fun she had making a bracelet with stepmom. That would kind of ruin the gift a bit for some BMs.
THat's kind of what I did!
THat's kind of what I did! She made the card pretty much by herself and the bracelet i helped her get started. What if her dad helped her instead of me, would that make a difference?
Yes, that's what i'm trying
Yes, that's what i'm trying to do, show her some manners! We made gifts for both her grandmother's too for Mother's Day and she was so excited to get them in the mail since she'd never done that. She addressed the packages herself! I would never put my name on anything! It's all from my stepdaughter. It's not like we went out and spent a lot of money on a gift either. Just handmade stuff from a little girl who loves her mom and grandmas!
My husband hasn't called back his ex. He said he's not going to. Is that a bad idea?
But I want my stepdaughter to
But I want my stepdaughter to do thoughtful things for people she loves! That's an important thing for her to know how to do. I guess maybe we'll leave her mom out of it and concentrate on her dad and my family, which she's very close to.
It is what you have to
It is what you have to do...concentrate of you and your own.
the sad part is, your dumbass
the sad part is, your dumbass BM probably let your SD5 see her anger and disgust over this, and that sends a message to her of "uh oh, i made mom mad, i better not let SM do things with me anymore!"
do not be surprised if your SD retreats a little and declines to do things with you. she most likely is feeling like she betrayed her mother which is normal for her to feel, when a psycho BM is involved. just dont take it personally!
Oh no! I didn't think of
Oh no! I didn't think of htat. I hope that didn't happen. But I'll watch for that. The weird thing is that my stepdaughter was so excited all weekend and then about a half an hour before we dropped her off with her mom she got really quiet almost sad. It was weird and my husband and I didn't know what to make of it or what to do. We just gave her a quick hug at drop off and assumed that she'd have a special day with her mom. I hope it wasn't hard on her. God, I'd feel so bad if I did that to her!
Dont worry, if you DIDN'T
Dont worry, if you DIDN'T help her make a gift BM would be mad as well.
Nothin you do will ever be right by BM. So just do what makes you & SD feel happy. Forget her.
Well my stepdaughter was
Well my stepdaughter was really happy making the card and bracelet! And you know what? She didn't make anything for me and that's okay. I wasn't upset about that because I'm not her mom! It's all so confusing and I really do feel like nothing I do is right and I'm trying so hard. I've never had anyone hate me and I really think she hates me. BUt i'm lucky that my stepdaughter likes me right?
"It's all so confusing and I
"It's all so confusing and I really do feel like nothing I do is right and I'm trying so hard."
That, right there. Don't try so hard! Just be yourself, let things come naturally, and be true to yourself. Anything else is the first step down the path of resentment and anger. You start off with the best of intentions, trying so hard to please everyone, and eventually you'll resent the hell out of all of them because they come to *require* that of you. If helping your SD make a bracelet feels normal and good, and you're doing it FOR YOU, then do that. Don't do it for BM, don't do it for DH, don't even do it for SD, really. Do it because YOU enjoy it. And let DH deal with any potential fallout from BM.
Find other things to do with
Find other things to do with your SD. She obviously had fun making that with you and was excited to give it to her mom. Find other arts and crafts to do with her, ask her for help in the kitchen... do things that you want to do. It's not about the gift as far as BM's concerned, she's mad that SD had a bonding experience with another woman. That will not go away. Be yourself, don't "poke the bear" or try to reason with it... just let the bear be angry in the woods and you live happily in your home and do what you want.
Get the book "Stepmonster"
Get the book "Stepmonster" and read thoroughly. To be a SM IS to be in a high conflict situation. At best it's ok/cordial/polite/business-like. At worst it's bitter/nasty/vitriolic. On this site, most of us are dealing with the LATTER!