My stance on the calls
With my time as a step parent and parent as well as reading several posts on this topic I have thought about the appropriate number of calls from opposite parents. This may be different than how most feel but I would really like to get this off my chest.
When I was a new SM the BM called her children on a regular frequency when they were with their father. Most weeks daily other week’s every other day. I found this bothersome. It felt like a checkup call to see what the kids were doing. A bored parent needing some attention (I realize this is probably specific to my case.). It also seemed to be a way for the BM to intrude on DH. How? With comments such as ‘I’m watching X show you should too.’ The child or children would then change the TV or turn it on when we were watching or doing something else. Beyond this I noticed the change in the children when the calls were made. The oldest SS(ages 12-15), the gap in ages is the time that this has taken place, would withdrawal and go to privately talk. Yes I understand wanting privacy to talk but it was different then with other phone calls almost as if he was uncomfortable to talk to his mom in front of his dad. The younger SD(ages 6-9) would become depressed and often cry then withdrawal due to missing her mom. With the change in attitudes my home did a 180 swap from smiling feeling good to being upset depressed and uncomfortable.
My DH requested to the mother that she limit the calls due to this issue the response similar to those on this site was; it’s for the children they want to talk to me, I just want to see how their day was, I should be able to talk to them whenever I want to, I’m their mother. At the beginning I dismissed my thoughts as being jealous or insecure or that I didn’t understand because I was not a mother or having to share my time without my kids due to divorce. Now being a mother myself and after days of thinking things might not work out happy ever after I have a different thought. SO…
To all BM or BD that feel they need to call their children when they are with the other parent:
You chose divorce, you chose to no longer share your life with this person, and therefore you chose to give up that family and with it X amount of time with your children. This is a fact of divorce and splitting your family up. It’s not pretty, it’s not what any of us want in the beginning but this is what it is when dealing with divorce. You don’t want to be married anymore then guess what you are giving up time with your children. Divorce is a splitting of the family you had together this is also splitting your time. They will always be your children but THEY are also the other parent’s child and both parties deserve to have that time to bond with the child/children as they are now apart of 2 families. If you happen to be one of those lucky parties that you get along well and can share that time GREAT! You are better than most of the population. If you are not GET OVER IT! This was your choice. We all chose to either work things out remain married or chose a separate path.
For the above mentioned excuses.
It’s for the children:
If this is the case and they want to call they will call. I am not preventing a child to call their parent. If they want to talk there is the phone. If you receive a call from the child that is when they wanted to talk to you if you make the call that is when you wanted to call. This call made by you is solely for you AT ANY AGE the child can speak. They can always ask the opposite parent to dial if they don’t know how to use a phone. So the call is more for you than it is for the child.
I want to see how their day was:
WE all want to know how our child’s day was. Again this is an unfortunate side effect of choosing the path of divorce. You want to know how every day in your child’s life is? Then stay married. If you chose divorce you lose whatever time you agree to with the opposite parent. Sorry it’s a choice you made deal with it like you did the bad perm you received in ’85.
I should be able to talk to them whenever I want:
Again it was a choice you chose when you decided to no longer share your life with this spouse. Deal with it.
I’m their mother/father:
No one will ever or can ever take that away. No matter how many calls you make or not will ever change this. Nor does it make you a bad or good parent.
As for the comments about if it’s scheduled, when the parent calls at X time it’s okay. Well sorry I disagree. I still feel this is intrusive at least for my home because of the above mentioned change in atmosphere in the home.
I feel that if the child wants to call the other parent, let them ask and make the call. Other than that whatever needs to be said (with the exception of something important for the time they are with the opposite parent, which can usually just be said to the parent or said on transition day, ie. assignment X needs to be turned in tomorrow, dentist appointment is tomorrow) can wait until they are with you.
Again these are my thoughts as a step parent as well as a parent that at times has contemplated divorce. I’m not ready to give up ANY time with my child therefore I will remain married. And yes several times this was my deciding factor. This is my choice and you made yours. These are the paths we have chosen that are right for us. WE have to deal with the consequences of our decision whether we like them or not.
Right, but what she is saying
Right, but what she is saying is that everyone is not equally at fault in splitting a family up.
For example, if tomorrow I wanted a divorce, I could go to a lawyer and start the process for one, and DH can't do anything about it.
That's not true. Until the
That's not true. Until the day you get in front of the judge, get sworn in and get on the stand, you can change your mind. You can show up the day your divorce is to be final and tell the judge you changed your mind.
Thank-you for pointing this
Thank-you for pointing this out! I COMPLETELY AGREE!!
Also please remember that everyone agrees to the terms of the divorce. You want to have access to your kids all the time? Then get full custody without visitation. You agreed to visitation, and in my case 50/50 time. Another choice that was made.
In all fairness I think that the full custody without visitation would be hard to get if both parents are wanting time with their kids and are not deadbeats. But if thats what you want..Just don't lie or PAS your kids to get it.
I totally agree!!!!! I have
I totally agree!!!!! I have always thought the whole phone call thing was crap. And of course there are always exceptions.
This is soo true with the consequences of divorce! It happened regardless of why or how or who. And the unfortunate things that go with it.
My feelings too are, would you call your kids while they were out with their dad if you two were still together?!! No, probably not.
So leave the kids alone, leave the ex alone and get a hobby!
(P.s. im not talking about the rare cases of certain circumstances. I understand sometimes these scheduled calls are not abused and useful and necessary)
We have no calls on our time.
We have no calls on our time. Just never started this and so it has never became a problem. If they need something at the other parents house, they have to call and tell them they are coming. That is it. It is our time and it does not need to be interferred with. Nor does the BM's time need to be interferred with by us.
In our case BM calls and
In our case BM calls and texts SD constantly. The minute that SD gets home to us on Mondays its constant calls and texts (we review her phone records so we know) all day long on the weekends. I really don't think that there is a need for her to call SD that much. Especially because SD told me that she feels let out when she is with BM because BM is always on the phone to other people. To me she should pay attention to SD when she has her. Let us have our time with SD without her calling nonstop. If SD's phone dies or she leaves it in her bedroom BM calls or texts SO's phone to have SD call her. He always ignores it. It is crazy!!!
I think there is something
I think there is something being looked over in your post. It isn't the calls per se, but the intent of the calls. I welcome my exh calling our kids every day. It shows he cares. And on the rare occasions they are with him, like a week during Thanksgiving, I could (but don't) call every day. But when I do call, it is just to say, "hey, I'm thinking about you, I've been feeding your pet, have fun with your dad, etc." I don't tell them how much I miss them, tell them what to watch, what to tell their dad, etc. I am cheerful when I call, and the phone call ends positively. If the intent is to interrupt what's going on at the other parent's house, or to affect the kids negatively in some way,...it's wrong, whether it's made once a week or once a day.
I agree for the most part. I
I agree for the most part. I don't have a problem with BM just checking in, but it does make me very MAD when she calls during times that she knows that we are doing a special thing. Like Christmas Eve for example. She kept calling the adult skids before we sat down to dinner and opening presents to find out what time we were doing the festivities. Then called multiple times to the kid she thought would most likely answer to ask what everyone was getting and what was going on. Wanted to know what DH did for me, etc etc etc. I wanted to yell "quit calling and know of your business". She asked for the divorce cause she met someone else and now is jealous because dh has me and treats me like a princess. He does a lot of stuff for me and it drives her nuts that the man she left my DH for is a bum!!!!
My skids BM decided, all of
My skids BM decided, all of the sudden, that she wanted to call her kids daily. Really? After going for 2 years barely calling them outside of her parenting time at all? She used to go 10 days straight without calling them (and they have no desire to call her... on the occasion they do want to call, DH gives them the phone).
I see it as an invasion of privacy. She wants to know how they are (ok), how was school (ok), what they did today after school (not her business, but whatever), what they had for dinner (none of her f'n business, but if she wants to hear about my awesome cooking, whatever), questions about MY biokids (back the fuck up on this one).
The way I see it, until the court gives her the right to invade our home with her daily phone calls daily-phone calls that bother the kids more than comfort them-then she doesn't have the right to call daily. Two or 3 times a week is more than enough, from a woman who is just trying to rack up evidence (phone records) to use the next time she wants to go to court.
Thankfully, this is not a
Thankfully, this is not a huge problem for us. SD17's "perfect" bio-daddy is too busy with his new family to spend much time with SD17 (he's still "perfect," though, just ask SD17!). Bio-daddy calls a couple of times a week, but it is always after school when DW and I are still at work. Once in a while, he will call SD17 to chew her out over something, which leaves us picking up the pieces after SD's emotional break-down, but this is only about once a month now (used to happen more often).
Thank-you all for your
Thank-you all for your comments on both sides of the coin.
This is how I feel and it seems to resonate with some and not with others. I appreciate your feedback.
When thinking about this subject, or any for that fact, I always ask myself 'how would I feel if the shoe were on the other foot.' In my situation, and I can only speek of mine, BM would not appreciate any calls for DH to SKs. DH talks to his kids on his days with them about their previous week ie how things were, what did they do, etc. He will take calls from them and always reminds them that they can call anytime.
He is a very caring father but we both see the time with their mother is just that, time with their mother. And the reason for their divorce adultry on her end. He would have stayed with her and would be with her even today. So in regards to being a choice it began as her choice but he still has to live with the decision and consequences. That was my point about choices that we make. It effected the family.
When we had custody of ss, bm
When we had custody of ss, bm never ever called ss-she would go the entire 12 days without speaking to him. If a visit was missed sometimes she'd go almost a month with no contact with him. At some point i started encouraging him to call her-he had such poor behavior I was willing to try anything that might improve it-thought maybe he missed his bm. So never really experienced this issue-but I would not welcome it.
My kids sometimes stay the night with friends. I dont call them and see how they are doing, what they are doing, what they are watching on tv, I let them enjoy their time with friends. My kids have also all gone to Church camp for a week. Guess what? They are NOT ALLOWED calls. Why? Because it tends to make kids more homesick and interrupts their activities. Duh. Sometimes I wonder how my kids day at school is going-do I call the secretary and demand to get my kid on the phone? Of course not. None of us can talk to our kids anytime we want. I do think, for the most part, the parents that call daily are doing so to intrude. The ONLY time our bm ever called ss was around the time we went to court when he was 6-I dont think she actually wanted to talk to him-but just said it was her RIGHT to speak to him if she desired. She stopped calling a few weeks after court. The calls were never about him.
Having been both the sm and
Having been both the sm and the bm, I just see this as a non-issue. Sm's who make this a big deal seem to be creating a sort of tug of war with the kids and bm. You say "our family" as if when the skid is with YOU (not the bio-dad) THAT time is more important than the relationship with the bm. Your family does not trump anything having to do with the bd or bm. It is not even for the sm to worry about when the kids talk to bm. It is the bio-dad's problem. You have created a new family with the child(ren's) father. That means making concessions, no matter how much you can't stand the bm and no matter how evil she is. Yes, there are parameters. My problem is that exh calls or texts close to 11 pm asking kids to call before bed. Kids go to bed at 10. Hellllllloooooo?? You have the right to not answer the phone and to allow the skid to call back when it's convenient. Chances are the skid still loves her bm, even if it's not deserved. It's just the nature of the beast and why sm's have such a hard time dealing with these situations.
When I first came "on scene"
When I first came "on scene" the BM would call 3, 4, 12 times a day on the weekends they were with my DH. Tiring, to say the least. It was always the same old stuff...."what are you doing", "what did you have for breakfast (lunch, dinner, snack, etc)"
One time she called during Thanksgiving dinner with my extended family. She knew what she was doing. So for Christmas, I told my DH to make it very clear to her that his phone would be OFF between X time and X time. I was NOT going to have my extended family's Christmas infringed upon by her.
There were times she'd call at 3 a.m. demanding to speak to the kids... because they had called her cell to tell her good night hours earlier but she'd "miss" the call and call back later. She always screamed at my DH that she was worried something had happened to them, that's why she needed to speak to them in the wee hours of the morning.
She'd call many times a day when we were on vacation.
Honestly, I don't know if she calls her kids that much anymore, they both have cell phones now so she probably calls those. As long as it's not my home phone ringing, or DH's cell phone I really don't care unless it's the SK's phone ringing while we're doing something.
Funny how my DH rarely called his kids during the week, since they're here every weekend and he sees them at least once during the week. I will admit he does a little bit more now because he calls their cell phones (instead of BM's home phone), but it's not obsessive like her calls used to be.