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My SS has Asperger's

whatnow45103's picture

We have sooooo many issues, but I guess I'll address one at a time.

My 12yo SS was finally diagnosed with AS (about a year ago) & ADHD. The ADHD was previously diagnosed, but I am not sure when as my DH and I married early 2010 and he did not tell me a lot about his son's "issues". My SS is horribly immature in (I will stress) MY OPINION. my DH still reads him bedtime stories every night that he is at our house, he does not and will not make his own food (nope, not even a sandwich) he still calls my DH "Daddy" and has an extensive collection of stuffed animals with my DH continues to buy for him... I think this is immature for a 12yo, but my DH continues encouraging the immature behavior... It is one of the many stressors that is ruining our relationship... and believe me, there are many more stressors.

Can I please get someone's input on whether or not this is "normal" behavior for a 12yo with AS & ADHD or is he just (i'm sorry) a spoiled brat?

dontcallmestepmom's picture

Asperger's can vary so much among different children, that it may be hard for you to decipher what is, and is not AS. Additionally, with ADHD, there are other symptoms. And yes, on top of that, you can have a spoiled child in addition, especially when parents are trying to cope with a child's needs/issues. My ex's nephew had terrible emotional issues/ADHD when he was younger, and his parents spoiled the kid like crazy, which made it worse. In their case, it was easier to do that, and they also felt guilt over his issues.

Your DH should be encouraging as much independence as possible with your SS, but it may be very hard for him to think about that. In his mind, your SS may be a little boy, not a 12 year old. It also depends on what your SS is truly able to do. Can SS actually make a sandwich? If he can, then he should absolutely be encouraged to do so. If your DH is babying him, and over-compensating, that is not going to help your SS at all. It will make it impossible for your SS to have any kind of independence, which means that your DH will always be involved like this, and may be actually preventing your SS from achieving more in life. OTOH, if the boy is really functioning at this kind of level, you will have to always work on life and daily living skills with him, and prepare for a future where he is going to always need your help.

I am curious-how does BM treat her son?

whatnow45103's picture

I do not know how she treats him as she hates me and done all she can to exclude me from being involved in his life and any treatment or diagnosis. That is another one of the issues...

smartone's picture

If it took that long to get a diagnosis, I'm guessing he's a VERY high functioning AS. So it's likely that what's going on is not related at all to his abilities, but to dh's parenting. And parents not teaching their kids responsibility or personal care (like how to make their food, etc.) is actually really common, especially in divorced families. Something like reading to him, it's relative. If it's a picture book...weird. If it's a novel that he reads to him each night, it's normal. The stuffed animals...normal. My son is 11 and has an EXTENSIVE collection. He is VERY responsible and able to care for himself in every capacity, and is highly intelligent. So it's not a sign of immaturity. Some boys are more sensitive and enjoy the company of animals, which they likely love as well.

herewegoagain's picture

Kids with ADHD and Asperger's, which by the way, most with AS are also diagnosed with ADHD, have brains that mature much more slowly than other kids. They are for the most part extremely smart, yet very immature when it comes to social skills.

If you have issues, I suggest you move on. Sorry, but I don't have much tolerance for anyone who puts their "wants" ahead of a kid with special needs. It is one thing if the kid is "normal", but these kids are NOT normal and cannot help themselves...they are wired differently...period. By the way, usually, if the kid has AS, so does dad...you just can't tell...sometimes it could be BM.

Go to this website if you are truly interested in finding out more. www.wrongplanet.net. There is a forum for parents...the people there have AS and are extremely helpful.

PS - smartone doesn't know much about AS obviously. If she/he did, the comments would not be what they are. Read up on the issues with AS or go to that site...don't take advice on what AS is and is not or what is normal from people who don't have a kid diagnosed with AS...they truly have no clue. Most kids with AS are diagnosed much later than kids with regular autism because since they can speak and actually are extremely smart, it takes much longer for the teachers to realize something is "off". When the kid has autism, many can't speak at age 5...it's much easier to see something wrong with a kid that doesn't speak than with one who does.

whatnow45103's picture

"If you have issues, I suggest you move on. Sorry, but I don't have much tolerance for anyone who puts their "wants" ahead of a kid with special needs." Maybe I'm a little overly sensitive right now, but I'm not sure what to make of that... You assume I'm putting my "wants" ahead of my SS and you have no info other than the innocent question I asked... I didn't say I had issues, I was merely asking for an opinion. Even if I "had issues" I have a 14mo son with DH (as well as my 6yo son from a previous marriage) and "moving on" is not an option...

Thank you for the information about www.wrongplanet.net. I will check that out ASAP.

smartone's picture

Wow, so I guess having a kid with AS makes one an expert? I'm sorry, I only have a teaching degree, have worked with AS kidS, have passed numerous tests about teaching AS kids, and oh yeah, had an AS skid that I diagnosed before everyone else...parents were too busy blaming each other for the skid's issues. Just because you have A kid with AS doesn't make you an expert! MOST kids are diagnosed between ages 5-9; 12 is LATE. Not all AS kids are the same. Just like "regular kids" each AS kid has their own differences that make them unique. But they can all learn how to make a freakin sandwich!

Also, your statement, "usually, if the kid has AS, so does dad...you just can't tell...sometimes it could be BM." Is ABSOLUTELY FALSE. There is no "usually" about it. As a matter of fact, the chance is more likely that a close relative has schizophrenia or depression than AS if a kid has AS.

To the OP, if you want your skid to learn something, he needs to understand the point to it. Most AS kids have trouble with fine motor skills, so often, parents don't teach them things requiring it because it's tedious. So it takes them longer to do something. You can teach him to make a sandwich, fix a bowl of cereal, etc. but don't get upset if stuff gets spilled or it takes him a while. If someone is always there to make him a sandwich, he expects that person to make the sandwich. Because it is easy for them, more difficult for the child. They know that. But that doesn't mean he shouldn't do it. When he asks why? You say that you want him to know he can do it when nobody is there to do it for him. And because the more often you practice those tasks, the better you get at it. One kid I worked with would have made one sandwich, and then said, Okay, now you know I know how to do it. There is no point to him to prove it again to you. You have to know their currency. And their currency is often something really unlikely. For one boy, it was pennies. He would get a penny for every math problem. Just because he liked clinking them in his pocket. It's almost like working with a genius intellectual level with a 5 year old's wants. This kid could work difficult calculations in his head (because writing was too laborious) but then wanted a penny for them! Hopefully your dh understands this stuff about AS kids, but it would not surprise me if he doesn't if he has always worked full time. Schools, IMO, don't communicate what they should to parents and they just assume that the parents don't want to be involved with what's going on at school. The people who spend the most time with the kid know him better than anyone else.

bi's picture

where did she say anything that indicates that she is putting her wants ahead of ss's needs?

Orange County Ca's picture

"I do not know how she treats him as she hates me and done all she can to exclude me from being involved in his life and any treatment or diagnosis".

What more do you need? The bio-parents are doing the job. This kid is a part timer at your place so you're never going to make any meangful impact so just let it go.

How this kids turns out will be no reflection on you no matter how hard (or not) you try. Neither credit nor blame will fall on your shoulders no matter what you do.

Support Dad and let him do his thing and all those kid related stresses go out the window. Dad knows what he eats - let him prepare the food - Dad knows what toys he needs - don't you buy any - Dad knows.......etc etc get the picture.

Read this to the end it'll save your marriage and perhaps sanity:

http://www.steptogether.org/disengaging.html

whatnow45103's picture

Thank you for the link. I read it and it really hit home. I have forwarded it to my DH so that we are on the same page. Wink

Poodle's picture

Great to read so many intelligent replies. My DS has AS and is 14. He was diagnosed late too, the time of diagnosis is dependent on such disparate factors in each case that it is irrelevant.

Aspies need a lot of comfort and are developmentally delayed, therefore they will come over immature in some ways though in others like little professors, old heads on young shoulders. I still read my DS bedtime stories but not every night any more; I could not leave him to use heating equipment to make his own food (see Rain Man toaster episode); he still calls his dad "Daddy" sometimes; and he also has an extensive colelction of stuffed animals. In fact, were it not for the fact that I am not divorced from my DH, I'd've said you're having visits from my son.

As the parent, I have no problem with any of this and a raft of other issues, but agree that my DS must be taught independence by tiny incremental stages, as and when DH and I have the hours and hours and hours and hours of free time to teach each and every little step. You have to remember they cannot generalise from one situation to another, they find sequencing very hard, and everything is taught by modelling, rote and memory. It cannot be learned quickly.

If this bores you, leave it all to DH and BM and enjoy your SS's wacky craziness! It can be great fun knowing an Aspie. As OCC says, disengage big time if any of it bothers you.

Two further thoughts: BM is being extremely cruel to leave you out of the loop on the issues yet expect you to care for her son. DH had better make this up to you. Secondly, ASD is partly genetic in origin. At 14 months, you will have no idea whether or not your own DS has this condition. I would read up on it at that early age and keep an eye out. There can be similar behaviours even if not the full-blown condition in siblings. We certainly see that in our second son, though not in any of the skids.

whatnow45103's picture

Thank you all for the links and encouraging advice, I really appreciate it. This is all very new to me and it's extremely comforting to know that others experience very similar circumstances in their families. Smile

Clare66661's picture

My brother is 30 and wasn't diagnosed until his twenties as my mum was too embarrased to get him the help he needed. She moved to cyprus 4 years ago and he moved in with his girlfriend. they have now split up and mum had to come back from cyprus as he was made homeless (parents have house in england) so now mum has her 30 year old son living back home and is tearing her hair out. My point to this is that if she had got help for him earlier on in life this may not have happened. There are organisations out there that teach life skills to people with Aspergers and other conditions. Such as cooking, working, budgeting.
OCD is quite common with Aspergers as is routine. My brother does have problems but his is also one of the most loving and loyal people I know and I wouldn't want him any other way !

silver ring's picture

Children with AS don't exhibit any cognitive developmental delays. They have social and self-help issues. Even the case, they still need to be taught how to be independent within their capacities. Things like making a sandwich, using the microwave for simple meals, personal hygiene are important because they create independence. Things like reading bedtime stories every night at a specific time,collecting toys or other items, calling people a certain way, in this case " daddy", are routine and children with AS will not let these routines go away. It is part of their lives and it makes them comfortable.
Immaturity is normal for AS individuals.Your husband should start teaching the boy a few self-help skills. It is necessary.
Raising a child with special needs is very challenging, but it can be done.
Special needs kids are not all that helpless. They use their compensatory skills and one would be amazed with how many things they could do if they are taught.
Encourage your husband to try to teach the boy to be a bit more independent.