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My own trauma affecting situation

Focusonthepos's picture

Does anyone else feel like their SO's custody schedule is triggering to them based on their own trauma?

Growing up I had married parents but my dad was emotionally unavailable to me/didn't give me the attention I craved. Seeing my boyfriend faithfully abide by his custody schedule of having his daughter 35% of the time makes me sad/resentful, because I never got time like that to spend just with my dad, and I'm not even sure he would have fought to see me that much. Even her having a bedroom at our house is triggering for me because I keep wondering, would I have had that at my dads house if they split up when i was a kid? It sounds crazy but I'm jealous she has time alone with her dad. i don't have kids BTW.

I know this is 100% my issue, SD and husband have every right to have a close relationship, i just find it triggering to me and makes me not enjoy her time here. It's jealousy but also trauma for me. I am trying to call around to find a therapist to deal with this and maybe so medication. Also i am super, extremely nice to SD and never told her dad about this. I understand at 27 it's my responsibility to face my trauma and not let it affect me anymore but easier said than done. I recognize I wasn't treated right and the way husband is treating his daughter is the right way. Just makes me feel unworthy.

CastleJJ's picture has a "find a therapist" option on their website. You enter your zip code and preferences and various therapists' profiles will generate. They have photos, bios, specialties, and accepted insurance. I found two therapists through that site and they were both great! Hugs to you. 

JRI's picture

My dad was killed in WW2, Mom remarried and my SF adopted me.  He was a good person, a hard worker and now that I'm a SP,  I appreciate what he was dealing with.  But, we didnt have a very close relationship.

When DH and I got together, I was stunned by how well he treated SD.  Of course, he was Guilty Dad, so that ramped it up.  Her horse, her new car at 16, her new bedroom furniture, the money, no consequences for poor behavior, on and on.  Moving in out of here more times than I can remember,  poisoning our relationship, etc.  At least, your SD doesn't seem like she's evil.

On the one hand, I was glad he was a loving dad and in all honesty, he was generous to his other 2 and my 2.  But I felt a resentment toward her that had something to do with my lack of fatherly affection.

WishIng you the best.  I understand.

Mamabearof3's picture

My dad died when I was 8 and my mom was/is extremely abusive. Her dad hated her publicly and mine loved me. I feel part of that's why she hated me. I am not jealous of my husband loving his daughters thankfully. But I've had a significant amount of therapy since I was a young teenager so I'm sure that's helped me. I have had my moments of course but overall I genuinely feel happy when we're all close. Sometimes I do want to stay aware and in the know and honestly in control of the family dynamics. That's definitely stemming from my out of control childhood and I'm attempting to adapt the it is what it is mindset but it's not sticking lol. That's the one area I do struggle. I want everyone to get along and be happy but as long as I'm not left out of the loop I guess. I'm like this in every area though. Uptight and anal with needing full information with doctors and going places etc. I do not enjoy surprises at all and like being prepared. 

Mamabearof3's picture

Therapy will definitely help you though. If you can keep those feelings from your husband that'll probably be best too.