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My husband just called me from work which he never does!

alwaysanonymous's picture

He got another angry phone call from his ex which is also weird. They usually get along well and she doesn't call except to arrange for her weekend with her daughter. He told me that SD told her mom about our plans for her birthday and BM said it's too much and that we're spoiling her. I guess BM told him that we should just celebrate at home. My husband and I don't think it's too much just a movie and clothes shopping for summer but we don't know what to do! His ex hasn't done this before and I'm really upset with myself that I created this situation by helping SD make her mom a Mother's Day gift. That's the only thing I can think of why she'd be acting this way! It's my first birthday with SD and maybe BM feels threatened because we're able to do more for SD but SD lives with us full time and what are we supposed to do? My husband says we'll just do what we had planned and i agree but now that you all have told me about Parent Alientaiton I'm worried that BM might make Sd feel bad about her birthday with us! I know you're going to say I shouldn't care about what BM thinks but if it effects SD I do care! My husband does too! Do you think we should just celebrate SD's birthday at hoem so there's no drama from BM? I'm so confused and upset that this is all happening now after a year of pretty easy with BM since Dh and I got married. Ugh!

Jsmom's picture

You do what you want and what you can afford. She sounds like she is jealous. Not your problem. What we do in our own homes can not be dictated by the other parent.

thinkthrice's picture

Never let the BM know what you have planned! Biodad made this mistake and christmas was ruined in 2004.

sbm014's picture

STOP WORRYING ABOUT BM.

I agree with above especially Echo that yes we should all think about PAS but most courts really don't care about it. You have a good relationship with SD take it for what it is don't over-think it.

Your husband needs boundaries with BM and needs to say as above posted "Thank you for your concern but I can do what I want on my time".

However you need to set boundaries with your husband in this situation as well. My DH used to be exclusive about everything him and BM would talk about until he could tell it was wearing me down, previously to getting with my DH with my ex I was on anxiety and blood pressure medicine along with trying any remedy possible. I broke it off with my ex and DH had never seen me have to take a handful of meds and my hair start shedding again for stuff other than my hormone issues, and when he saw me on meds he stopped because he could tell how unhealthy I was becoming despite taking care of myself to the best of my ability. We have a rule that unless it is a huge bother (I posted about a income tax argument) or something we can giggle about I know nothing about their conversations. I know BM has tried to have her hand in control as I have heard it at drop-offs and SS will mention stuff but my DH does not say a word to me. I am no longer on medicine due to BM and not only has my health but my relationship with DH has improved amazingly as we don't talk about BM.

As Hoggy said above get a hobby. This is YOUR life too and it seems like you are so wrapped up in the step-parent life that you aren't taking time for yourself which is the most important thing of being a step-parent.

Be involved in your home, have fun with SD she clearly likes you but other than the basics stop worrying - live you life. Many on here complain that our husbands don't put marriage first they always make it about the kids and it sounds like you are doing this and she isn't even your kid.

Step back take a breathe and move on this woman is not worth your healt.

alwaysanonymous's picture

I'm upset and I'm not going to apologize for that. I'm a good person who cares about my husband and my stepdaughter and for the first time in a year there's conflict with BM. That's worth thinking about IMO! The way I see it in the time I've been married to my husband with full custody of SD, the mom has said one dumb thing about my age and now in the last two days she's called DH twice angry! That's never happened before! So I'm trying to figure out if i have a part in this and how DH and I can smooth things over for SD. We're trying to nip it in the bud not ignore it so it gets worse! We're all adults here and there has to be a way to figure this out through communicating with each other. I agree that it's weird that BM is telling us what to do when she voluntarily gave up custody of her daughter but now she is and we have to deal with that. Hanging up on her will only make things worse IMO! I agree with whoever said that maybe she should see her daguther more maybe that's where this is coming from. My husband hasn't called BM back yet I think he's just going to tell her that we're going to celebrate with SD how we want and she can celebrate how she wants without being aggressive about it.

sbm014's picture

I understand you care, and I care about my DH and my SS and would do anything for them but if you look at my earlier post BM cannot be my concern. I love my health way to much to let her be the cause for me dying at a early age.

I also understand your concern but again this is something your husband needs to handle. When you try to nip it and you give her attention it can also make it worse. Your DH needs to start setting clear boundaries and no that won't be a instant cure but it sure will help. BM is like a fire you can either feed into her by showing your aggravation or you can build a fancy brick wall with a few holes so you get just enough heat to survive. No matter what she will always be a fire, there is another woman in her child's life and that enough to keep the flame going.

I stand by what I said that your husband needs to handle these things because you are over-thinking.

TJH100911's picture

I agree with this. Stop thinking about her. You will drive yourself crazy. She is your DH problem. If you love and trust your DH you should be able to let go and let him deal with her the way he sees fit. If he wants to enable her by listening to her rant, he should not tell you about her rants. If he doesn't want to continually listen to her complaints, he needs to cut it off.

YOU are not the problem.

bearcub25's picture

You have been given a lot of advice.

So you and your DH need to either set boundaries with BM or you are going to be an old 26 pretty soon.

After dealing with this kind of shit from skids and my BM, I had to go to therapy and take high blood pressure meds bc I was having dizzy spells.

alwaysanonymous's picture

Okay my husband just called me after he talked to BM. He told her that we're going to celebrate with SD for her birthday the way we'd planned. He also told his ex that she needs to accept that I am in SD's life. He told BM that I am his wife and we're building a household and that includes SD. He said BM will always be SD's mom and nothing will change that. He said that he respects her as SD's mom and doesn't interfere with her weekends with Sd and he expects the same in return. He said she seemed to calm down a little bit. I do think it has to be me because DH raised SD for over 2 years by himself and he told me that his ex never got angry during that time. Hopefully this is over now and I can stop worrying!

alwaysanonymous's picture

BM has been finding herself for over three years since they divorced. I work only part time but at least I work! She got a great settlement from my husband I think he felt guilty because he's the one who left her. Things were pretty easy he said even though it was hard being a single dad. He had a nanny and we let her go when we got married. It was really fast, we met and got married within six months! We wanted to be together and my husband and I don't believe in living together before marriage, no offense to anyone who does! This first year has been wonderful and I'm so happy to SD and i get along like we do that's why I was very worried when BM started acting weird.

alwaysanonymous's picture

That's funny! My husband is a good man and very mature about how he handles people which is why I trust him to make this better with BM. I just feel really bad that I caused such a mess for him to clean up. All over mother's Day gifts! I guess I won't try so hard with BM but it's hard not to try hard with SD since she lives with us full time.

sbm014's picture

I am glad to see your DH setting boundaries.

However it will never be over - when you married him you signed up to have a fire by your side at all times like I have said above.

bearcub25's picture

It's over until BM finds something else to fret about. Once they show their true colors, it is never over. Trust us.

bearcub25's picture

dup

Calypso1977's picture

your DH shouldnt even be entertaining this conversation with BM.

he should simply say that what we choose to do with SD on our time is our business and our right.

Easylikesundaymornin's picture

Bottom line is BM is losing control and doesn't like it. Oh well ~ she can't control what goes on in your house ~ if you want to give SD something go ahead. She doesn't want you to up one on her. The day they got divorced was the day she losing control to dictate what the father does.

The only exception I can think of is ~ if the SD gets punished and you need to stay consistent with punishments.

God I wish you luck ~ just keep your eyes wide open. Don't let her mistaken your kindness for weakness.

alwaysanonymous's picture

I think it takes a really big person to do what you've done, you're putting your child first! I always thought my SD's mom did too and maybe she does. Maybe she's just having a bad time right now because she's never acted like this before!

Jsmom's picture

You need to slow down. THis is going to get worse. It always does. Start reading old blogs and you will see how many of us went in thinking we could be one happy family and it blew up in our face. You need to be very careful about over stepping your role as SM. Just a bit of caution.

alwaysanonymous's picture

Maybe all this happened too fast and maybe I'm trying too hard and maybe i'm niave for thinking that we can be a happy family but I don't know how to slow down when SD lives with us! I mean I'm going to take care of her right? I guess I just need to not worry about my husband's ex. He doesn't seem worried after their conversation earlier. He said he hadn't had that conversation yet about how she needs to respect him and that i'm part of SD's life now. I hope it doesn't get worse! I do know one thing which is that I won't make myself visible to BM again! Which is easy to do when she sees SD only 1 or 2 weekends a month. Honestly i think I can arrange it so that she never sees me! I mean she's going to know i'm around because SD lives with me for crying out loud but I won't try to be nice to BM anymore.

Jsmom's picture

You only have to do so much for your SD. Nothing is required of you. You do what you want. As for BM stay away from her and do not engage and let all communication stay with your DH. He married her, you didn't.

I never, ever see BM. I stopped going to any sporting events everything. Lucky for me is there is not much anymore with SS15.

When we were really in conflict with BM, we made sure we were not home when she would pick up SS and the garage was closed and she would call from the car. She had to be on time and he would leave as soon as her car came in the driveway.

libra2libra83's picture

I have had similar situations with BM that you are experiencing now. The best advise I could give you is to not worry about the drama BM is going to give you. Love you SD the way you want to, cherish her, and take care of her. Your BM gave up her right to dictate how SD is raised in YOUR house the day DH and BM got divorced. Plain and simple, your time with SD, you guys do what you want to do with her. I would also suggest staying away from joint parties with BM. These cause nothing but stress and anger with everyone involved.

alwaysanonymous's picture

I don't understand! So many of you have told me don't think about BM, don't show up for anything. Some of you said I didn't do anything wrong but most of you said that helping my SD make her mom a Mother's Day gift was a mistake. So is it my fault or not? I'm taking responsibility for that! Of corse I'm going to be a wife and a mother figure and I will love my husband and my stepdaughter. His ex can't change that! But if I'm hearing you all right I should stay away from BM!

QueenBeau's picture

The only way this will go away is to ignore it. You don't want to do that because you're afraid it wont' go away. If you feed into BM being crazy, it will escillate. Obviously - as it has been. If you all would have ignored her mothers day crap, she wouldn't keep going. If you feed into this, she will bring something else up. It's all about the attention.

You are obsessing over this woman & it is making you upset. & that's what she wants. Misery from you & attention from your DH.

But, I doubt you'll listen to me. Nobody ever listens to this advice up front. We all just learn with time. We've all been there. Lol

TJH100911's picture

Your DH is enabling BM's rants by entertaining them. We deal with the exact same type of BM here. The correct response is what Echo said.
None of your business. Click.

It will only get better if HE stops enabling it. IMO, the response should have been the same about making her a gift.
SHE doesn't get to say what does or does not happen in YOUR house.

BTW, on making the gift, I don't think you were necessarily wrong. FDH should not have even entertained any rantings by BM about it. Now, because she did, she is going to rant about everything she can.

SInce now you know it was an issue, I just would MOVE ON and not do it again. I would let DH do it. That doesn't mean you can't be there, it just means that your FDH should APPEAR to take the lead.