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My first post - International issues

par85's picture

Hello all.  I currently find myself in a situation that isn't necessarily bad, but I'm nervous and there are a lot of complicating factors. (This is also my first post, so please excuse any incorrect acronyms, etc.  I also posted this in my blog, but I realized that this seems to be the right place to be posting for discussion.) 

I'm 33m, never married, no kids, and my SO of a year and a few months is 27f with a 4yo DS.  (BD is not in the picture.)  However, she hasn't seen him in over a year and a half because she came to the U.S. to work and left him in the care of her parents in South America.  From everything she has told me all through the relationship, pictures and videos she's shown me, my conversations with her mom and so forth, he seems like a really sweet kid.  About four months ago, I traveled to her country to meet him and meet her parents (at the moment, leaving the US is not in her best interests as she likely won't get back in for a while, but if we end up getting married that will be resolved).  He really is an adorable kid, and while he was understandably shy with me at first, he warmed up and was really sweet and affectionate with me (e.g., asking me to pick him up, hugging me, showing me his toys, wanting to play games together on my phone, etc.).  

So why am I here? There are really two main issues I've become very concerned about.  The first is that both from while I was there in person and what I see on FaceTime calls, his behavior is getting worse and worse.  My girlfriend has also told me that in the house he is often cursing and yelling at his grandparents, throwing things, and is disobidient to simple requests.  When I brought him to his school one day, he stayed in the corner by himself, while the rest of the class did their activities.  At that point he was still the "new kid" in class, as he entered the term late, but it still seemed odd and antisocial to me.  Also, I'm not sure if this is normal for a 4yo as I don't have any experience raising kids, but he is consistently laying down on the floor and rolling around even in public places or somewhere that the floor is dirty.  He also won't let go of his pacifier, despite many attempts by his grandmother in person and his mom via FaceTime.  He also frequently outright refuses to do what his grandparents ask him and frequently calls his grandmother a "p*ta".  Maybe all this is normal for a surely very confused child whose father abandoned him and had a kid with another woman and a mother who was only supposed to be gone for a few months is now gone a year and a half.  Actually, I'm sure it's very normal.  What I'm wondering is, will he be able to adjust and have a happy and healthy life with us here in the United States.  That's my girlfriend's dream - bring him here (which we have been trying to do, but isn't easy) to give him a future with many more opportunities than he'd have in his home country.

Okay, behavior is my first issue, but the second is the culture adjustment.  Issue number one is he does not speak English and my girlfriend only has a very basic level.  I'm just shy of fluency in Spanish, and where we live there are many schools that have classes for Spanish-speaking children.  But my girlfriend's son hardly speaks Spanish.  Her home country is one where Spanish is actually the second language (at least in rural parts, hint: look at my username) so he isn't being raised speaking Spanish right now.  This means that if he were here I wouldn't be able to communicate directly with him until he has more of a level of English and/or Spanish and that the idea of going to school could be VERY difficult, again leaving him the outsider.  I know the younger a person is, the easier it is to learn another language, but this whole situation leaves me very worried. 

I know my girlfriend is blinded by her love for her son, as would any mother be especially having been apart for so long.  I would like to bring these issues up with her, but if I bring up the behavior she will get very angry with me as she feels I'm "attacking her son".  The language issue is one she is okay talking about because it's more something that can be measured more ojectively than talking about his behavior, which is much more subjective and harder to be unbiased.  But she does also brushes the language issue off and says he understands a lot of Spanish than I think and that teaching/speaking English with him will be a really good way for me to bond with him.  Maybe she's right.

That's my story.  The boy definitely is facing some tough issues right now, but he has a very sweet side as well.  He refers to me as his "padrino" (godfather) and asks when I'm coming to bring him to the United States.  He is also a very sweet and caring kid, espescially with his younger cousins who he is very sweet with and wants to protect - I've never seen any form of aggression from him toward those around him, just generally wild behavior sometimes.  He is also very witty in that the things he says are very clever and funny, and sound more like something a six or seven year-old would come up with.  I just worry if the adjustment coming here is going to be too much, and will end up hurting the relationships between all three of us, and maybe this idea is a bit too ambitious, as much as my girlfriend and I love each other. 

par85's picture

- Is my girlfriend's son behavior normal and situational and something that can be sorted out with time?  Or does it seem to be more organic in nature?

- Does this cross-cultural change of over 5,000 miles from rural South America to metropolis North America seem to be another hurdle that is just too big? 

fairyo's picture

I get it- there doesn't always need to be a direct question, but I won't go there again!

You come across as a very caring and intelligent man in what would be a difficult situation for anyone.

Firstly, the marriage issue. You say you wish to marry this woman, but it comes across as being more convenient for her than you. Can you be absolutely sure that she will parent this child once he is with you full-time? I know this sounds harsh but we have so many men posting here who get taken for a ride. My advice would be not to marry in haste, although I undertsand why you are thinking of it.

The behaviour I wouldn't be too concerned about because as you say he is very young. However, being separated from his mum for so long may have left him with long tern attachment disorders which may cause problems later, especially as he is leaving his grandparents behind. I would look it up for future reference.

I think the language thing can be overcome, probably more quickly and easily than the psychological stuff, and he sounds quite a bright boy.

As to your future wife's attitude- well I think this will be the biggest issue for you. The guilt she feels about leavig her child may cause her to overcompensate and indulge him as he gets older- be prepared for this being your major problem. You are not just taking on what may be a damaged child, but also a woman who will not understand your perspective on this and indeed may be resistant and resentful of it. Often the problems we have are not due to the skids themselves but their ostrich-like parents who will not see what we see. That will be your main issue.

You really need to get her to accept your point of view, and have a full and honest discussion before you even think of marriage. I would even put down a lot of rules and guidelines for how you are going to manage your roles together. If she cannot bring herself to anticipate all these future problems then I would certainly not commit to marriage.

Finally, not one of us can predict the future. It may all turn out happily ever after, or it may be the biggest mistake you ever made. Life is risk and no one can say do this or do that. However, a little fore-thought and anticipation of the risks, and knowledge of the things that may happen,will not come amiss. Please don't bury your head in the sand with her,  but encourage her to see things as they are and hopefully you will all have a bright and happy future together.

2Tired4Drama's picture

Agree with Fairy on her many valid points.  I would also add the following:

This woman has already shown you that she is "blinded by her love for her son" and gets "very angry" if you bring up behavioral or discipline issues.  This will not change, and will probably get worse.  You have not personally witnessed her interaction with him, since she didn't go with on the visit when you met him.   The fact she left her child behind doubtless has has a psychological impact on her, as well as the boy, and she may very well become an overly-indulgent mother for the rest of her life.  

It also bears mentioning that you are in a relationship where you might be being used primarily for access to the U.S.   It is not the first time it's happened and it won't be the last.  I hope you have discussed you ideas of getting married with a legal professional who is looking out for YOUR interests, since your marriage and/or sponsorship of this woman (and her child) may have significant financial and other responsibilities which are long-lasting.   Plus, considering the current state of immigration issues in this country, you can fully expect changes to the law which may have impact on your plans.  

You also say that BD is "not in the picture" but that could change, too, if he gets wind his child may be gaining entry to the U.S.   He may crop up and you will have to deal with that.  

You are 33, single and childless.  IMO, you should not be spending your time worrying about all these issues, including a challenging "step" relationship. 

Winterglow's picture

My gut feeling from all this is that it is way too complicated to even contemplate. There are so many "what ifs"... You are a single non parent and (no offence intended to your gf) a "good catch". Don't be blinded by all of the paternal treatment. DFon't let yourself be softened up. Look at reality. What has to be done to regularize your gf's situation. what has to be done to bring her son here? Where exactly is the son's father? Ask all the uncomfortable questions and accept all the answers. THEN decide where you're headed, not before.

The hurdles you describe are not too great to overcome but the legality and the secondary effects might just be ...

notarelative's picture

Have you discussed any of this with an immigration lawyer? She and you need to sit down with an immigration lawyer and figure out what is possible for her son with the type of visa she has. If you are talking marriage, how to convert her visa to a green card (there are forms to file). 

You said she came here for work. Usually holders of H1 (work) visas can travel home and return to the U.S. without problem.