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My Family is Disapproving of Relationship with BF b/c of SKids

inwayovermyhead's picture

As background… I am seriously dating a man with an unstable ex-wife and two kids SD9 and SS11. SS11 is profoundly retarded (can’t talk, has trouble walking, wears diapers, etc.) and requires 24 hour close supervisions. I am a young educated woman who has never been married and has no kids. I hold a great job, own my own home, and am completely financially independant etc. My BF does not make much money and does not own a home or any other significant assets, has a lot of credit card debt from BM, but does work a 40 hour per week job. His ex-wife does not work full time and made only $10K last year doing minimal part time work. BM and BF share the kids 50/50, although both parents would rather have the kids only 20% of the time.

I have two older sisters, K&E, and they both have 2 kids each and have been happily married for 6 and 8 years respectively. My parents are still together and we are a close family. I love my sisters dearly and know that they are only looking out for my best interests. Yesterday I was talking with E and she expressed several VERY strong opinions about my relationship with BF and I wanted to get your thoughts.

1. E stated that she and K like BF as a person, but they do not agree with my relationship with BF because it is overly burdensome on me. She stated that she has noticed over the past year how I have had to do things alone or carry the burden of big tasks because my BF cannot be there for me in that he is attending to his kids. Whether it be a prep or clean up task after a party/holiday, attending my nieces and nephews birthday parties/events, or simply planning fun dates, etc., BF cannot be there for me. This is especially upsetting to her b/c she feels that I have worked really hard in my life and purposely waited to have kids so that I could enjoy traveling and so I could save money. As my sisters, they feel that I deserve more.

2. E stated that I need support in light of my demanding career, which BF is not available to give me. She stated that once I have kids it is going to be even more difficult for me in that I will be on my own during the 50% of the time that he has to attend to his kid, esp. SS11. She stated that she is actually mad at BF and states that he should be man enough to recognize that he cannot give me what I need and what I deserve and walk away. She feels that he tries to hide from me how much work SS11 is and is in complete denial about SS11’s future. She feels that he is putting me in a terrible position by expecting me to adjust my life to accommodate SS11’s major limitations.

3. E stated that my relationship with BF is disrespectful and a burden to our family. She feels that it is VERY unfair to our parents and to my sister’s kids to essentially bring in two kids that are not related to us, one with special needs, into the mix. She said that my Mom is upset all of the time about the situation and feels that I am going to be taking on too much should I relationship progress to engagement/marriage.

She ended the conversation my telling me that she will support me no matter what. I am not mad at E for telling me how she feels. AND, it does put a new perspective on things in terms of how much a blended family not only puts a tax on the BF’s girlfriend/wife, but also the girlfriend/wife’s family.

What do you all think??

SMof2Girls's picture

How do YOU feel about it?

It sounds like your sister is coming from a good place; she's got an objective perspective for the most part and her concerns seem legitimate. Have you discussed these issues (more children, traveling, your career, etc) with your BF?

I agree with her to the extent that you need to be prepared for what you're getting into. Giving up on your dreams and hopes because the man you love can't support you will leave you bitter and resentful. The honeymoon phase won't last forever, and it becomes exponentially harder to leave the longer you wait and the more you become involved.

I would also question having children with a man who only wants to see his existing children 20% of the time ..

IceQueen's picture

Take their advice, or better yet read some of the vent posts on this site.

I will give you my humble opinion here.

1. YOU will be financially responsible for this man and his kids for the rest of your life.

2. Unlike most of us who will have to eventually contend with steps that will grow up and bother us from afar, your stepkid (the 11 year old) will most likely be living or dependent on you for the rest of your life.

3. Because BM doesnt make enough money to support herself, your bf will be most likely supporting her for quite a while.

4. If you have kids with this guy, you are going to resent it. Why? Because he will have to physically take care of the 11 year old.

I am not saying that caring for your disabled kid is a bad thing. But it is something that someone does because they have no choice to. Because the child was born like that.

You on the other hand have a choice right now.

But if you are like most of us on here, you are "In Love" and you feel that love will conquer all. Like us, in a few years you will be venting and telling us that you you should have taken your families and our advice.

Good luck and keep us posted please!

inwayovermyhead's picture

Thanks for the reply. I have talked about this with BF and he shuts me out by saying "it will all work out" or "we'll cross that bridge when we get there as we have no idea what could change in the future". It is really frustrating. When I mention the concerns I have about SS11, I am told that SS11 is "not a lot of work- he just needs his diaper changed and needs to be fed by someone." These statements about SS11 completely ingnore the fact that SS11 needs 24 hour close supervision, that SS11 can be aggressive, that SS11 has the mentality of a 6 month old that that SS11 will always be completely dependent on the care of others 24 hours a day for every detail of his activities of daily living.

BF also maintains that he is very supportive of my career and will do anything he can to be supportive... my sisters just feel that although BF wants to support me, he literally cannot b/c his hands are already full.

BF wants his children only 20% of the time b/c he works full time an hour from their schools, which makes for long days and the expense of after school care for them. Especially when BM does not have a full time job and is available to watch them after school. He also feels that flip flopping houses every other night during the week is disruptive for them. With that said, I can appreciate your comment about concerns arising from him wanting to cut back to 20%.

ownedbypedro's picture

Oh sweetie, this is tough on you I know. I agree with what others have said. GET. OUT. NOW. I can almost PROMISE you that you will regret it soooooooooo very, very, VERY much if you don't.

inwayovermyhead's picture

You all have no idea how thankful I am that this site exists and that you all care enough to repond and offer advice. I have a lot to think about. I am definitely in love with BF, but I do worry about the future. AND prenup is a must do if things were to move forward! I just feel awful that I am putting my family through so much. Do you all's families ever express diapproval?

hereiam's picture

A pre-nup only covers the financial aspect of it . There are a lot of other aspects to think about.

hereiam's picture

Things do not "just work out" and really, what is going to change in the future? SS11 suddenly becomes not profoundly retarded?

SS11 only needs his diaper changed and to be fed? Then what, he can just be ignored the rest of the time? Nice.

He is looking for someone else (you) to take on his responsibilities so he does not have to do it alone, especially if BM is unstable.

Please find someone to share a LIFE with YOU.

herewegoagain's picture

I agree with your sister. In addition, although you can state that the child is "retarded", as yes, it's some word in the dictionary, I can assure you that there are more appropriate words to describe his condition. Makes me wonder about all your schooling and why you weren't taught to be a little more tactful when people have medical conditions through no fault of their own, especially a child.

And with that said, if you think it's too much for you, then YOU are at fault. It is one thing to be involved with someone whose kids are a pain in the ass and be resentful, and quite another to be resentful of a child with disabilities...sorry, I tell it like it is. I think you need to move on.

inwayovermyhead's picture

Thanks, herewegoagain. I truly appreciate your insight. SS11 has recieved the clinical diagnosis of "profoundly retarded" or "profound mental retardation" and it is completely appropriate to use that term. His therapists and doctors use that term when discussing his needs, expectations, therapies, level of activities, supervision needs and goals. It is very important to understand his mental state to ensure his medical treatment and care is appropriately tailored to his condition.

I believe you may be confusing calling someone a "retard" (which I would NEVER do and is inappropriate), with describing a person's medical diagnosis. I do not have resentment for the child. I believe my sister is just concerned about the level of care he requires and what that means for me.

napamom's picture

I hope you're not even reading these responses because you are too busy packing!

Orange County Ca's picture

What is a female knight called? A knightess? Are you wearing shiney armor?

I was that way long long ago. Married a young woman with a 2 year old and to make the story short ended up paying child support to her for that kid and my two bio kids. What a hero.

Bitter? No I made the decisions. Wish I had done it differently? Of course but now I have the experience of being able to give advise here.

Are you ready to give up your career and take care of these kids or conversely are you ready to give this guy everything he needs to care for his family so he can divote himself to these kids. Kids who certainly will not appreciate what you're doing and may in fact grow to hate your presence.

You're going to end up doing one or the other because there are so many losing possibilities in this scenario I can't barely count them.

RUN woman RUN from this. A million childless men of your age in the U.S. surely you can find one who matches the qualties you see in this guy. If you insist on marrying this fellow DO NOT DO NOT DO NOT have children anytime in the next few years as the marriage will certainly end up badly.

TASHA1983's picture

I agree with your family 150%!!!

Listen to them and trust them on this one!!!! You will be saving yourself ALOT of trouble, disappointment, and unncessary stress if you end things with this man.

You have it made, young, great career, no kids to support, etc. WHY on earth would you want to tie yourself down to THAT GOD-AWFUL SITUATION??!!

I wish you the best whatever you choose....just please really think LONG & HARD about this one.....

hippiegirl's picture

Sounds like a headache. Skids are challenging, even when they're not retarded. Staying in this relationship will ruin you and you will come to resent everyone. Your family is not going to steer you wrong....they don't want to see you throw your life away on these people.