IS MY DH BEING PETTY
I have a S20 who lives with DH and I. He has a full time job and does whatever we ask around the house. He isn't very social so he stays mostly to himself on his days off. DH complains pretty much about everything that S20 does. He either spends too much time in the bathroom or showers too early or too late, now he is complaining the we have to feed him, my son works at a grocery store and always ask if we need anything and offers to take us out to eat (which DH always declines). My S20 give me $300 a month for board and bills (internet/cell phone) He doesn't make that much and is always saving money in case he needs it for his car. I really feel like DH has just reach the top of the pettyness scale with this new revelation. If he is giving us money do you also want him to buy his own food, and if he is buying his own food does he then need his own refrigerator? When does it stop? he knows that when he says things like this it bothers me and I try not to react, hoping that he will just stop. My sons father died when he was 10 so it was just he and I until I met DH, S20 has been VERY accepting of DH for my sake. I feel bad for my S20 when DH starts his rants, I know he wants to respond/react but never does for fear of starting a fight with DH. My son and I are very close and I think this is part of the problem, I feel like DH is jealous of the relationship that I have with S20 because he doesn't have that with his own child. I don't coddle S20 but I am not going to put him out either. If he decides that he wants to move out own his own I would be all for that.
I know you don't want to put
I know you don't want to put him out but if he is to be a successful adult the best way to do that is for your son to leave your home and live independently from you. Maybe it is time to start having conversations with your son about his plans and working together to come up with ways in which he could afford to move out and help him to see what he would gain by living in his own place (or sharing with roommates of his own age).
Your husband sounds like he is tired of living with another adult (who is not his spouse). He might have married you knowing that you had a son, but I bet he thought that your son would have moved out or be making signs of moving out by now. When you live together it is really easy to focus on the small things that irritate us and that can harm the relationsihp, especially when that relationship is tenuous to start with.
I am a little concerned that you talk about your son being afraid of starting fights with your husband. Does your husband have a bad temper? Is he likely to get physical with your son? Have bad things happened in the past when they have fought?
I can't be with someone who
I can't be with someone who doesn't like my child. And also, you don't magically have it together enough on your 18th birthday to go out and live alone. A lot of people end up in debt that way or selling ass on backpage. No, kicking them out at 18 does not equate to helping them be an adult. Stop it.
Yes, for most kids, 18 is
Yes, for most kids, 18 is still high school and they shouldn't be kicked out then. But letting them live there at age 20 when they have a full-time job and can afford their own place is not fair to your spouse, either. What is the plan for the kid? I don't hear anything about a plan for him to move out.
You may love your kid and be happy if he lives there forever, but most likely, your spouse doesn't feel that way and his needs need to be taken into consideration.
I think at age 20 and working
I think at age 20 and working full-time, it is perfectly reasonably for him to have a plan for when and how he will move out and support himself.
Also, $300 a month wouldn't even come close to covering the cost of another adult living in your home. If he's not saving money while only paying $300 a month, then he either needs to find another job or he needs to build a budget for himself.
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I don't know about that - my
I don't know about that - my SS20 is 6'2", 250 lbs, size 14 feet, and takes up a lot of space in my small house. Even if he was employed and helpful (he's neither - and he doesn't live with us), I'd get tired of living with him. What is the plan for this 20-year-old?
A 20 year old with a full
A 20 year old with a full time job who is NOT a college student needs to move out....period.
Your DH does not want another man in his home.
SP do not have the same love that Bio parents have. Your DS is liking having another man in the home where you are splitting your time. He put up with this when your DS was in high school. But DS must move out , or start making plans to move out,
Your DH wants alone time with you. If he has any kids the same rules apply
Frankly, both of you are
Frankly, both of you are right. DS is doing his part, at least as you tell it here. However, it is understandable that DH wants to know when your son will launch. It isn't crazy that your son still lives with you at 20, but at 22 that will be a different story. Most people look forward to the time when all the kids are gone and you can finally live life independent of them again. It is absolutely okay that DH is looking forward to that. For him, its like having a permanent guest. No matter how helpful, there comes a time when you are ready for them to go.
Its time to have a serious talk and start prepping DS to move out on his own. You and DS need a plan so that he can see this as an exciting next step into adulthood and independence. Believe it or not, this is a positive thing, for DS AND for your relationship. DH needs to be apprised of that plan, so that he can feel things are progressing. It sounds like DS is doing great - start working that same drive and turn this thing toward him getting a roommate and an apartment. Its time to look to the future.