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The mother in law's role in ruining a relationship

megansider's picture

Has anyone ever experienced being with someone who is a little too close to their mother? I was just wondering what people's thoughts were on this who has experienced this as well as my ex seemed to constantly put pressure on me to be a mother to his kids and wanted me to move in with him however I did not feel ready even though several years had passed because of parenting issues, financial issues, etc. However I did notice his mother had a lot of influence on him and would constantly tell him we should be moving along by now. I felt like she was a constant chirp in this ear throughout our relationship and he felt I needed to meet her expectations, which were somewhat unreasonable. She expected me to treat his kids as my own and the family as my first family and so did he. Maybe she was right but I did not see it that way. No way was I going to move in with someone whose children misbheaved regularly (and it was not addressed consistantly) nor someone who did not have their finances in order. And no way was I going to move in with someone whose children were constantly causes issues between the two of us yet nothing was really done about it. Yet his mother seemed to think I should be delighted to move forward and be a "family" and smile and be all motherly. I wonder sometimes if these mother in laws do this intentionally.

ashes54's picture

My MIL is opposite. She despises me because I am not her son's first wife and not the mother of her grandkids (altho now I technically am of our child together). She has however been that chirp in his ear (and the kids') telling him I'm no good for him and causing issues where ever she can. I tried going to her on multiple occasions and having a woman to woman, mother to mother, heart to heart talk. She never once allowed me to talk and would talk over me if I tried, and all she did was tell me how great the real mom was (who btw hasn't even seen the kids in the last 6 years and hasn't talked to them in almost 2 years, and was only calling maybe once a year before). MIL is no longer in our lives as she could not allow our family to be happy. I definitely think that some of the mother in laws do it intentionally. 

On the other end, my previous husband's mom is great, and she even treats my SKids as part of her family. Sends them gifts on holidays and birthdays, sends cards. She's amazing. 

Some people are just crazy. That's all there is to it. And there's really no good way to get thru to them sometimes. 

tog redux's picture

Good for you, OP, for not ignoring the red flags of bad behavior, poor with money, and Mama's Boy.  Lots of people on here deal with that.

My MIL lives 5 hours away and we see her once a year.  Smile

Exjuliemccoy's picture

OP, the world is full of people with hidden agendas. This is why you should judge people on their actions rather than their words.

I married into a family filled with cognitive dissonance. Many of the members have a "fake it 'til you make it" attitude and are all about putting on a facade. They've taught me that loyalties can be fluid, but generally alliances stay with blood so it's best to never forget that you are an outsider.

You need to ask yourself why you can be swayed so easily by the opinions of others. Have faith in YOU. You know what you know, and what you see. Your ex is part of a dysfunctional family, all doing their sick dance together. Of course his mother tried to get you to drink their particular flavor of Kool-Aid; it's what they do. 

megansider's picture

I agree. What type of kool aid flavor do you think she was trying to get me to drink?

strugglingSM's picture

Do we have the same in-laws?! Cognitive dissonance is what I feel every single time I’m around them. They also have no loyalty to DH when it comes to BM, but then turn around and treat me like I’m an outsider who DH needs to be warned about because I’m not blood-related. It’s like Alice in Wonderland whenever I’m around them....curiouser and curiouser...

Thumper's picture

OP---it is NOT only your mil's doing..IT IS YOUR husbands doing and acceptance of what is going on.

He is a grown man right? This is on him more than it is on MIL.

 

 

 

Harry's picture

He is looking for someone to help him with his kids and his finances.  And you have nothing to say in his kids behavior.  You have to remember this is the best it gets.  He doing the “BEST” he can do to please you.  Can you imagination what it’s going to be like once you are trapped in this relationship.  

You said you been this relationship for several years.  Do you ever get alone time ? A weekend away alone. Did you ever go on vacation alone?  Or it’s always about the kids?  If you go out to eat , who picks the restaurant, if you do something on the weekend, who picks what you are going to do?  Do the kids behave when in a public place as restaurant ? At the beach or pool or park? 

shamds's picture

Regularly invite themselves over to their kids home with their partner and start bossing them around, telling them what needs to be done like housework and rearranging furniture etc. They basically lecture their daughters or dil how they aren’t doing things right and then their partner just feels uncomfortable in their own home

its an invasion of privacy and you don’t feel comfortable and their partners refuse to address this with their mum and stand up to them. One of my friends divorced barely a year after marriage. His exwife is still single and in her mid 30s now

momjeans's picture

Yes.

I also agree that it’s never just a MIL issue - it’s also a significant other issue, too, because they allow it.

All the red flags were there in the beginning, I was just too smitten with my DH to foresee that my MIL was going to be a royal ball-n-chain pain in the arse.

DH’s family is incredibly toxic. So much so, that several outsiders have pointed-out their observations (enmeshment, codependence, enabling, closeted addictions, entitlement) to me - and they are not wrong. 

I believe my MIL really thought she was going to control me. Make me bend to her will to fulfill her agenda of keeping up the Perfect Happy Family facade. 

If I were a certain type of noodle spine person, she’d be sitting pretty, reaping all the benefits like: coming first in MY marriage, and me putting her first grandchild princess (DH’s daughter from his 1st marriage) first, and turning the other cheek when they try to engage in financial abuse.

Having a MIL like this is a full-time chore. I am always on the defense, prepared for her next power play. It’s not fun. And in all honesty, I feel like she has robbed years of my life from me and my marriage. 

It takes a lot of strength and fierceness to stand one’s ground and patrol your healthy boundary borders. 

Just say no. 

 

 

 

 

megansider's picture

Financial abuse is an interesting topic. Please explain. I always felt pressured to take turns paying for his kids meals when we were out together. I especially felt this pressure from MIL. I always paid for my own things, meals, etc. however also paying for multiple children who are not my own seemed excessive to me. Then I would get the FAMILY speech from MIL. I thought this was unreasonable.

strugglingSM's picture

Momjeans, you’ve captured it perfectly. Having to maintain relationships with toxic family members is work. I periodically will ask DH how he feels when he is around my family and he’ll tell me that he feels happy because he knows my family likes him and that makes him feel good. I tell him that being around his family feels like constant work for me because they are always complaining and judging. 

It’s truly exhausting and I feel like I need to go sit in my room, alone, in the dark after being around them because I need to allow all the negative energy to fade away.

Husband's wife's picture

My MIL would also want me to take care of DH’s boy. Now I was lucky that DH told her that the boy has more that enough step parents from BM’s side and he doesn’t want the boy to be close to more people that may leave and never see him again. 

In fact, the boy was suffering and asking where is Mr X or Y or Z that were dating BM and broke up later (she introduces them all to the boy). 

MIL still tries from time to time, she wants me to save money for the boy or take him on vacation with us, but I just tell her politely to mind her own business. What helps is that we live far away and she cannot really influence our life from this distance. 

DHsfamilyfromhell's picture

Mother in laws see the children through rose tinted specs. I don’t speak to my mother in law. I have had enough of her lol. 

Amyay's picture

I have similar with my OH’s family. All so toxic but they put up this façade of being super close but they all bitch about each other. His sister is the WORST. Keeps telling him how to parent his child yet has none of her own and SD is a whiney brat around them all because they let her get away with everything. I feel your pain sis!

strugglingSM's picture

Your SIL sounds like my BIL who is constantly pointing out what he perceives to be DH’s parenting flaws while meanwhile, his kids are bratty and act in age-inappropriate ways.

They also love to gossip about one another - constantly telling one another of all the bad things a third person (not involved in the conversation) thinks about them. Triangulation at its finest.

I’m assuming they feel the need to do this because they all feel so trapped by having to maintain these perfect images for themselves. I would like to believe that none of them are fooling anyone, but they seem to be, so I just try to avoid them all.