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This morning I lost my cool

counseling.advocate's picture

Okay... I would appreciate it if we could just hold the negative comments toward me lol and I understand totally that the following items I flipped out over sound stupid. I completely feel for the other posters that are going through way worse and honestly this is the least of my problems.

This morning, my son had his shoes on and I told him "tie your shoes," then he doesn't and goes into the bathroom with his toothbrush, I told him I asked him to tie his shoes! Then he goes and sits at the dining table while the sds are done getting ready and talking and just sits there! I flipped on him. Now, I flipped on him because this shoe tying thing is a constant problem. After school his shoes are untied and it takes me at least two times of telling him to do it, then 10 minutes of tying because he can't keep his mouth shut. On Tuesday, we were running late for school because he was taking forever going to the bathroom and then when I asked him to tie his shoes, I go in my room to grab my things and come out and he's sitting on the couch with his shoes untied. Can you see why I lost it with him today????

So I leave him after lecturing him on listening to what he's told, and go to my room and say "oh my fucking god!" Only sd8 heard me and the SD's are super religious and hate it when I take "the Lords name in vain." I really shouldn't have thrown the f word in there but it just came out. I don't do it on purpose just to piss them off, it's not all the time and my anger wasn't directed at the SD's at the time. Sd8 starts crying at the table and I tell her if she doesn't stop crying she will have consequences during with DS does. She stopped. I find out later when she was crying she was telling her dad that she doesn't like it when I take the lords name in vain and if We ever say bad words and she doesn't want to live with someone who does that. Great so I pissed her off.

Then sd11 has been excited about middle school right, and she decided to pack a bag FULL of crap to go in her tiny locker for PE. Her dad starts telling her he is not going to let her bring all of that stuff and that she looks like she's going on vacation! Well, I bought her one of those locker chandeliers and magnetic wallpaper, because I thought she was going to have a big locker for her books. She doesn't, so I told her a few days ago I told her I was going to return everything and get her another in high school. When DH is looking through her bag he finds the chandelier and wallpaper in there I get pissed! I told her I was returning the stuff! The boxes were all banged up because she shoved it in there and she deliberately hid it from me, disrespecting my authority! I didn't yell, but I lectured her.

DH says, let's have a meeting. He tells me I'm pissing everyone off and taking everything personal. I say I'm holding everyone accountable. It's unacceptable that they disrespect me or him by lying or not following orders and it pisses me off and it's not my fault they all pissed me off all in one morning! I also told him that he doesn't understand what it's like to be with them all the time and have them pull this sneaky shit all the time! It wears on you!

I have a job interview on Monday and I hope I get it!!! Being on disability because of my epilepsy has sucked and I can't wait to go back to work even if it only means a couple hours of sanity after they get out of school. With sane, adults, that listen and show respect.

Pet peeve, disrespectful children. Why on earth do I want another one in the future, I will never fucking know.

I know, I'm a terrible mother, stepmother, and I flip over stupid shit! But when they do it every day?? It doesn't seem so fucking stupid TO ME.

We're going to counseling tonight actually and we're planning on discussing it. Are there any tips do you think I should bring up? Anyone who wants to offer something constructive that I can bring up to DH or the counselor to ask or whatever, it would be helpful. I just don't know how to control my temper. Respect is important in my home.

Sports Fan's picture

Dh needs to support you in front of the kids or they will never respect you. United Front.

another step's picture

So YOU are never to "take the Lord's name in vain" to make your skids happy but they are allowed to sneak, lie, and disobey direct orders from an adult? Doesn't sound to me like they have a really firm grasp on the whole "being super religious" thing. It is not a pick and choose" thing on the Commandments where you get to hit people over the head with the ones that YOU want THEM to obey and then be a little heathen the rest of the time.

another step's picture

Agreed. Those girls would be in perpetual tears if they had to live with me. Fuck God Damn! LOL

SMof2Girls's picture

I have definitely flipped on my skids when I've told them 10+ times EACH to brush their hair, brush their teeth, get their shoes on, etc. .. only to walk into the living room and find them glued to the TV.

It's normal. I don't think you were out of line. Your DH needs to support you in front of the kids and take up any disagreements with you in private (which it sounds like he does - which is good).

Hang in there .. you're doing okay Smile

counseling.advocate's picture

Maybe you guys are right about the shoe laces! I had him wear shoes with laces so he would be forced to learn, but maybe I'll get him some Velcro shoes and look into those elastic laces for now. Eventually he will learn, he is not doomed to never learn I just need to chill on that! For my sanity and sake to get out the door Smile

As for the girls, yes! This is MY house! If I want to swear, I will! I explained that if I say oh god, it's not to say the lords name in vain, it's just to say it out of habit and that she will find many people say it and don't mean what she thinks it means. In counseling I'll bring this up and tell DH he needs to tell the girls they need to stop calling us out every time we say it because it's fucking annoying.

And yeah I think it's a great point that I shouldn't have to treat them with respect of they are going to be fucking wild disrespectful brats that make me lose it all the time! Each time they are about to come back I hope hope hope and plan to be good but I always end up getting so annoyed and in a bad mood when they are here because of all the crap. All the little things picking away do build up!

Arrrrrgggghhhh!! Smile can't wait for counseling tonight!!

Thank you all for being understanding, I appreciate it so much!!

counseling.advocate's picture

Hmmmm I wonder just what DH said to sd8 when she was telling him how she felt about me damning The Lord! Defending me? Or being her advocate? Oh yes I'm finding out tonight! An update will come later!

counseling.advocate's picture

UPDATE****
Went to counseling. I told him everything here and it got very heated. He took it. He thinks I'm overreacting and have too high expectations for the kids for their developmental stages. It's bullshit, he doesn't realize how bad it is because he doesn't have to be around them all the time.

I told him I feel alone when the girls are here, because it's me fighting against them with no one to back me up appropriately. Sometimes, yes he does. But not all the time, when I'm hurting the most. He's more concerned about what the kids are being subjected to, including mine. He thinks i shouldn't let this stuff bother me.

It's so frustrating to not be understood. But I told him everything that's going on in my head. I even said that if the girls lived with us full time I would be completely unhappy, because without a week to recover from a week of hell and feeling like a bad mom/step, who fucks up all the time in everyone's eyes, I would blast my head off.

I don't think I have high expectations at all. I deserve to live how I want to live. If DH was trying as hard as he could to give me the life at home that I wanted, but the kids weren't improving, then it'd be different. Because I would see effort, and we would just keep trying together to make it better.

After we talked and I vented more, it ended with us looking at each other and laughing...

Just letting you know.. Forget it, dead end, at some point I will need to accept the hell or leave cuz shit will never change. This man will never change. Should have married someone younger who isn't so stuck in his own ways, or better yet, no kids Wink

Thanks for the help xo

counseling.advocate's picture

You're right... Shouldn't be so hard on myself.

DH and I pretty much let it lie that night and talked today and he still thinks I hold them to too high of a standard. I told him that if I married a man in the military and my kid acted like theirs, and he expected them to act up to a certain standard, then I would compromise in trying to hold my kid accountable at every incident, because I respect my husband and his values on child rearing.

He did ask after that for specific examples of things that bother me/drive me to insanity and not just vague examples to get an idea so I tried to be as specific as possible. Hopefully things change.

He was a little pissed after, obviously I was 100% honest about how I feel about his kids. But I told him we said our peace so there's no reason to be upset anymore, let's move on and be happy and "you can start disciplining them for what we talked about, and things will be okay."

If not, eventually I will get sick of it and so will you guys!

fruststepmama's picture

I've gone back and forth with DH on the discipline thing -- he needs to discipline more, I need to let it go more. We've both given in a little and it has helped. The truth is that we stepmoms feel a little bit more annoyed by skids behavior than bio parents -- and they are much more annoyed by us than by their parents. It's just part of it, unfortunately.