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More weirdness

markwvualum's picture

My wife's ex thinks by buying his kids expensive xmas gifts that makes him a good dad. For some reason my wife feels the need to tell me his gifts are great. She even told me she thought I would love to play a video game he got his son for xmas (I dont play video games and never have shown the slightest interest in them). She talks about how great the game is. I don't care the video game he got his kid for xmas. I don't care about him or his gifts. It just adds to the weirdness when my wife talks about it and its met with silence from me. I wonder if she will ever figure out I don't care? More weirdness from these divorcees and their weird attachment to their exes.

Monkeysee's picture

I’m not sure if your wife is still enmeshed/has feelings for her ex, or if she does things like this because she’s unhappy with how he behaves as their father & this is how she makes herself feel better. My guess is she’s enmeshed and/or still has feelings for him based on your previous posts. 

I’d stop being passive, your silence isn’t working. If you don’t want to hear things like that (I wouldn’t), then simply say ‘I’m not interested in hearing about your ex in any way, including what he got the kids for xmas’. 

You need to draw a line in the sand for yourself. If you’re choosing to stay with your wife, then you need to put boundaries up for yourself. It needs to come from you. Not her. 

I’ve had to do it as well, when my DH tried telling me this ‘funny’ story about BM1’s family. I simply said ‘if it doesn’t relate to your children specifically I don’t want to hear about your ex. I don’t need the drama’. End of discussion. Sometimes silence isn’t enough & you need to state things clearly.

Aniki-Moderator's picture

I also think that's weird. Is she trying to get you to bond with the skid over video games??

What do you do/say when your wife brings up the ex? Personally, I'd consider saying, "Not interested" and walk away every time she does.

dysfunctionally_blended's picture

You are correct in your perspective of the situation. 

My ex also likes to throw lavish gifts around. However does not actually parent or have much involvement in the actual responsibility of being a parent.

But it is left at that. Well understood that materialism is not warranted and I limit the effect, as well as the gifts, given. Thus drawing attention to it is a non-issue.

My suggestion is to have the hard conversation. Explain how not only are you uncomfortable with the effect it is having on your family but her reaction is negatively affecting your relationship. Be clear, up front and concise. 

There are boundaries that are being crossed here and it will continue until you finally put your foot down and set them. 

amyburemt's picture

because she's trying to figure out ways for you and ss to connect? How is your relationship with him, do you guys do anything together? I would also have the convo with her that you and her ex will not ever be friends so she needs to quit pushing that. 

caitlinj's picture

Maybe this makes her feel better about him being such a mediocre-poor father. Also why are the gifts being kept at your place and not the exes? Unless it's things like clothes, the toys and games that the ex buys shoud be kept at the exes residence. Regardless just tell her you're not interested in her ex nor what he gets his kids for xmas. I wonder too if she does this intentionally to get a reaction from you? If not, she seems to lack basic common sense.

pwoodlson's picture

Tell her what great thing your ex got someone they know for xmas. Or how about that gal you know from the office bought for her husband/boyfriend? Brag about it in front of her and see how she likes it. I'm sure she will learn to quit bringing up her ex and his lame gifts to you rather quickly.

SonOfABrisketMaker's picture

Is your wife a gamer, as well? Maybe she's excited about the game/system no matter who has purchased it.

My sister's oldest bio son has a dad that bought the kid pricey gifts. As soon as they hit her house, they were a shared gift with all the boys so no one had more than anyone else, no matter who the parents are. Perhaps your wife is working on that same theory?

Siemprematahari's picture

Not sure what her intent is in telling you this but you should communicate with her that it does not interest you and be clear. I wouldn't be intrigued about expensive gifts and wonder why she is......either way you don't care so she can keep the excitement to herself.

georgina29's picture

I would respond by telling her you’re not interested. If she keeps pushing the issue tell her you’ll get excited when her ex starts buying his kids things they actually need, starts helping with his kids more financially and adequately,  and starts spending adequate time with them rather than a few hours a week. Until then you’re not impressed or interested in the idiot and his stupid gifts. 

CLove's picture

Ill tell you weird - my now DH used to tell me about Toxic Troll's sex life. He said he needed to know these things because of concern over his 2 daughter's safety and who she might be bringing to her disgusting dirty apartment. 

It took several conversations, and 4.5 years for that to stop. I told him he doesnt need to be discussing this stuff with the ex - it gives her the impression he still cares who shes with. I reiterated many times hat he needs to only be concerned with the kiddos and exchanges, etc - ONLY KIDDOS. Sometimes I have to whisper the word "Boundaries" in his ear while he sleeps....lol.

I think shes just trying to make her ex look like a better father. I dont know, I dont know how your conversations with her about him go.

But you need to speak your mind. You have a voice - use it!

NachoQueen's picture

Sometimes when I want my husband to do something I gush over someone else doing it in hopes he will get the hint without the need for me to criticize him or point it out. 
"Wow, I thought it was so sweet that so-and-so's husband did those dirty dishes so she could relax and talk for a bit more with her family.. wasn't that sweet of him?"