"Mommy says she's wrecked and ruined"
This is what my SD said her BM tells her all the time.
This crazy bitch is using her 7 year old daughters as therapists. Worst? I know she is telling them it is my fault that her and their Dad are getting divorced (which has been going on for nearly 3 years). Oh, but she won't tell her daughters that she cheated on Daddy with men and women, sold her body on craigslist (even though she was well provided for), hit Daddy (who couldn't defend himself because geez, a woman beating a man? The man must be lying of course!), and emotionally "wrecked" him? No. Apparently it's my fault that he finally stood up for himself and left her.. and so, she has slandered me on the internet (which has hindered me in finding a job after spending 6 figures on a degree, working on a "reputation" rebuilder $$$), threatened to send people to "mess me up", and tells me I am never allowed to come to any of their science fairs or school events or she will not allow my boyfriend to see the kids.
Divorce isn't final yet. Like I said, almost 3 years now. Custody is loosely mapped out with lawyers. Boyfriend and I have lived together for a little over 2 years. I just hate her and I needed somewhere to come complain. I can't even begin to list all of the things this woman has put me through the past 3 years. I'm nearing my 30s, and am ready to settle down and have my own kids. She just keeps dragging it out. Doesn't she realize that she isn't just hurting me and my boyfriend? That she's hurting her kids too? Who could put this kind of heaviness on the shoulders of 7 year old children?
This is my first post. Thanks for letting me ramble off my thoughts. I'm sure I'll make more posts as rage pops into my brain from time to time.
Welcome! The BM in my life
Welcome! The BM in my life told my skids that DH and I had an affair and that is why she and DH got divorced. Not true. She was verbally abusive and kicked him out when he finally stood up to her. We started seeing each other during the divorce. DH wound up agreeing to things in mediation to get the divorce finalized quicker. Sounds like your BF may need to think about that, too. It sucks, but the divorce was over, and we'll be done with alimony soon. These women don't see the problems they cause their children, and if they do, that is the dad's fault, too. They are great at playing the victim.
As far as the slander against you, that sounds like grounds for a defamation of character lawsuit. I'm not one to throw around legal threats, but she is preventing you from obtaining employment. If you can prove that, you could probably sue her. Sometimes the threat is enough to stop it, but not always. Good luck to you and your BF!
Your situation sounds a
Your situation sounds a little like mine. See, thing is, BM is demanding $2000.. A WEEK and $50,000 untaxed lump sum. She is a stark raving lunatic. I just can't even fathom why she thinks this is acceptable.
I've checked with lawyers about the defamation of character thing. It's a tough situation because it was posted anonymously to one of those online gossip sites. She has verbally admitted to doing it, but I can't really prove it. That part is so insanely complicated, it's just.. ugh.
No wonder it is taking so
:jawdrop:
No wonder it is taking so long. I wouldn't agree to that either. Lunatic is right.
Can you have an attorney send a letter to the website owner demanding that your info be removed from the site?
Your bf needs to document her
Your bf needs to document her behavior and keep bringing it before a judge. He also needs to read up on parental alienation syndrome and check out/google "welcome back Pluto DVD."
Many BMs refuse to get help and counseling. Many won't own their behavior. Many will not get whatever mental treatment they need. Many will blame the dad and sm when dad & sm aren't to blame.
He especially needs to document the Craigslist instance and print off the proof. I bet the judge will love to see that.
I'll read up on that for
I'll read up on that for sure. I'm still new to all of this. I'm not sure why I never sought a support group until now. I guess I'm just finally at my limit.
As for the craigslist stuff, that has all been printed out and the lawyer has it. I'm not sure how much use it will do though, since all of the divorce court stories I hear seem to favor the woman, even if she was an outright cheating tramp. I can only hope.
Thanks for the reading recommendations!
Funny you say that, because
Funny you say that, because that is who I used to be. There was something different about this man. I can't explain it. Minus the baggage, he is the most amazing man I have ever met. Polite, caring, loving, giving, handsome, a humanitarian.. when times get so insane, I ask myself why I am dealing with this, and I've almost left a few times because of her, but I just don't want to let her win. She's not allowed to win again.. and I don't like to lose. Maybe it's foolish of me, but I love this man. I lament the days where I would just throw my hands in the air and leave and just be done with all the drama.. but those were the days of different people. I wish I could explain it better to myself, but this is one of those stupid situations where my heart overpowers logic.
Regardless, I can't say I disagree with you. Old me would have said "eff this". I don't know where old me went.
wow! I hope that he get's
wow! I hope that he get's the custody agreement nailed down soon. The lack of a clear plan allows her to wreck and ruin your lives by withholding the kids when she's not happy. Seriously, that should be his number one priority.
sounds like she doesn't care who she hurts, including the kids. Seriously, she sold herself on craig's list?! REALLY? wow!!!!!!!!!! that kind of person isn't capable of suddenly thinking about the needs of others or of consequences to her behavior. You're dealing with someone very unwell mentally... sick puppy. Stop trying to see her through your own eyes, or trying to understand her behavior based on normal behavior for a rational, sane person.... she's not rational or sane, she's a crazy lady!
You are so right. She is
You are so right. She is mentally unwell. She refuses to admit she needs help though, and as someone else said, blames us for all of her problems, even though him and I wouldn't even have started dating if it weren't for her abuse of him that lead to his leaving.
My boyfriend is the biggest teddybear. He's a great man, and he is so messed up from her abuse. I really wish more people understood that women can be abusive too.. it isn't all one sided.
Thanks for putting her craziness into perspective for me. It's nice to hear it from someone I don't know.
Welcome, I hope you find this
Welcome, I hope you find this to be a good place to vent, contribute and puck up some useful perspective from others who are living the blended family dream.
Get the divorce finalized and a Custody/Visitation/Support order in place. Then start managing the toxic BM.
Document, document, document everything she does. Keep journals, keep call logs, record telephone conversations (if it is legal in your state), keep v-mail messages, email, texts. Use the CO and any supplemental local rules and state regulations regarding visitation, etc... to your advantage whenever possible.
If BM is toxic and loading the skids up with a bunch of PAS garbage then counter with facts in an age appropriate manner. At their current young ages just verbally providing the facts would be where I recommend you start. e.g. 'No, X did not happen. Y happened.' As the SDs get older then introduce them to the CO and other notable factual documentation that counter toxic blended family opposition manipulation.
My DW and I met when SS was 15mos old and married a week before he turned 2yo. Over the years we amassed a file cabinet full of documentation regarding court hearings, Private Investigator Reports, arrest records, divorce records, etc, etc, etc... for the Sperm Idiot and the Sperm Clan. When SS was in his teens we would counter Sperm Clan bullshit and manipulation by showing him where in the CO clarified what they were trying to manipulate. Eventually he would go to the file cabinet to look stuff up for himself when something the Sperm Clan was telling him did not pass the smell test.
And that is how I would deal with the toxic BM in your blended family life and protect your Skids from her vitriolic crap.
All IMHO of course.
Well, thank you for your
Well, thank you for your advice. I will tuck all of this away for when they get older. Obviously at 7 years old, these kids barely understand how to operate a tv remote (ughhhhhh) let alone any deeper information. All they know is that Mommy is sad and says it's our fault. So it's tough. I appreciate the ideas though for sure.
I suggest you say exactly
I suggest you say exactly what Tog recommends. Verbatim.
My first reaction was you
My first reaction was you have to speak up and speak the truth and tell the kids that. Any silence results in them believing her story is the truth. Sadly, this also can put the kids in the middle but it also puts them on a track that down the line they will realize that this IS the truth and then they will turn to you guys for emotional support and stability.
You can object to things she is telling them by asking them questions. DH asks "Why do you think mom and I got divorced?". Then DH answers accordingly. He can also say that we were not getting along but we are NOT getting divorced becuz of YOU. But what she is doing is putting a target on your back and if this is let go it will remain a target of anger, hate, frustration. Trust me, I have lived similar situation.
Get them to talk. Show them love and support. Lead by example. Respond with love. Off to the side - in court or face to face DH needs to handle the BM without kids around. Kids should not be involved in day to day issues and neither should you be. As far as internet slander if you have proof you may want to have an attorney write a letter to her which includes a copy of the evidence and basically telling her the slander needs to stop. Once legal documentation of incidents happens BM's tend to back off.
Good luck!
I agree with everything
I agree with everything above, with one addition. The kids need to be in therapy .. regularly.
Good luck .. you're in for a long bumpy road. The drama doesn't end just because they get divorced .. so be prepared.