Missing my SD :-( I wish we had custody-venting!
The more time passes, the more I fall in love with my adorable (almost 4 yr old!) step daughter..and the more I miss her when we have to take her back to her BM. She cried yesterday when we had to take her back saying she wanted to stay with me. I don't blame her, her father and I are the only ones who really spend time with her, teach her, listen to her, praise her... gosh it just kills me sending her back every time :-(.
Her BM isn't putting her in preschool until the fall, she turns 4 in a couple weeks... and she is just SO behind where she needs to be. Her speech is terrible, she doesn't know the ABCs or count to 10 properly...and her father and I work CONSTANTLY with her when we have her, and she makes great gains...but gosh... it just kills me to know that we send her back to a home where she basically gets ignored. As a Speech Language Pathology Grad student, I know a lot of child development, and hell... anyone with half a brian could tell she is way behind... but her mother refuses to care or acknowledge a problem. Then when my SD DOES make gains... her BM just says "See? told you she would be fine."... um...no....she LEARNS things becuase we TEACH HER them when she's with us.
Even when I have a few hours free where I could go pick her up and spend time with her, her BM won't allow it unless we agree to keep her overnight... which becuase of school/work we just CAN'T DO. We already take Monday's off to make sure she can go to her speech appointments cuz if we don't keep her overnight, her mother won't let her go to them. All my SD is to her BM is a bargaining tool. It sickens me. Also, I know she hits her kids...just not enough to make any serious marks, sometimes bruises but nothing severe...so would the courts do anything about it? No.. they just favor the BM.
I wonder what it would take to gain sole custody of her one day. In 18 months I will be out of Grad School and making good money... and we'd be ABLE to have her full time. BUt even though courts CLAIM they have the best interest of the child...really they just favor the BM. Our daughter would thrive 100 times more living with us... I would bet my life and everything I have on it.. who knows...maybe one day it'll happen. But these years or SO CRUCIAL for her development, and she's just missing out...
Gosh, i feel like it's all i think about. 
I just pray that God watches over my little girl.
I'll pray with you
I'll pray with you dovetrinity! I know how frustrating it can be to see a child thrive in your home environment and hurt in another. I wish I knew how to tell you how to gain custody. In your case, because your SD is so young, I am guessing it would be a court battle with a guardian ad litem, etc. and even then, as you say, you may not win. Courts (and society in general) seem to favor BM's.
But your heart is in the right place. So just keep doing what you are doing. You and your husband are raising this child and making a difference in her life. She is lucky and blessed to have you care so much about her.
(hugs)
*** A rainbow just threw up on me... and now I'm sh*tting glitter! ***
Thanks Stick, that means a
Thanks Stick, that means a lot... I know God brought me into this littler girls life for a reason, I hope it's making a difference slowly but surely.
I love that age. That's when
I love that age. That's when I was introduced to my SD for the first time.
Get one day at a time; a gradual progression of custody then go to court and make it official.
If the abuse persists you may need to take action quicker and gain automatic temporary sole custody. Just be sure you KNOW that BM is causing the bruises. Any mark left on a child by an adult for more than 5-10 minutes is considered abuse. It will backfire if you don't have hard evidence though. Keep in mind that kids do fall down, bump into things, fall of stuff, get stuff falling on them especially in a home where they're unsupervised. Especially at the tender age of 4. Could this be causing the bruises?
I wouldn't try to get sole custody. Not because I believe you're unfit but because you'll likely lose. Even primary is tough. Just add on one day then in 6 months or a year add another and so on. Do this until you have substantial time to get equal custody. I know you want her more but even with shared-time it will allow you guys to have a positive impact on this little girls life.
Another problem is when I
Another problem is when I look to the future, I see myself most likely getting excellent job offers out of state... and if we can't bring SD with us, I don't know if I could take it or not. It kills me to go a week without seeing her, I feel like we're going to have to end up trying to "buy" her from BM in the future.
Since she's just four, and
Since she's just four, and i'm sure you pay CS. Why don't you take her 50-/50, or every other week, or 2 weeks a month. She's NOT missing school..you could put her in Nursery school by your house while you work.
If BM only needs the cash,you still pay her 'some' support while you have her, but not all support.
maybe, the mother would let you have her a lot more this year. Before she starts kindergarten next.
I fear the child is being abused. You say 18 months until your ready....IF she really is being abused.. Why wait..don't make this about "money". Sometimes kids can't wait to be rescued.
I'd rather see a poor happy Un-abused child, then a rich abused child. 18 months is a LONG time for a child to wait.
Please follow up and consider what I'm saying.
I would "fight" with everything I had for my child, if I felt they were being abused or neglected..And i'd find a way to prove it too. Even if you have to take her to counseling, to find out the true story, about the way she's living...I would do it.
easier said than done i'm
easier said than done i'm afraid. First of all, my SD's speech is very behind, and she is extremely unitelligible to most listeners. And she will change her story its hard for me to even know the truth. I know for a fact (proudly proclaimed by BM) that she spanks her, and she's spanked her hard enough to bruise her butt. I know most people don't consider spanking "child abuse" but I am 1000000% against it. (Esp. if you knew my SD, there is NOOOO reason why she should EVER need physcial punishment, she is the most well behaved child i've ever met)... other bruises when I try to talk to SD about it (without influencing her response) she usually says "mama mad at me" or has even said when she's had scratches (that seem innocent enough) that "mama cut knife" ... so of course I panic thinking.... what?? really?? Then i ask her in 20 different ways and sometimes she'll change her story. One time when she had a bruise below her eye, my DH called BM and asked about it after SD said her "mom was mad"... BM said that her and her sister were spinning and she hit it on her princess table... later I asked SD "how did you get the bruise on your eye? did you bump it on your princess table?" and she said "yes" then says "no mama mad me"...
It's the most frusterating thing ever. If my SD was at a "normal" developemnt of an almost 4 year old, it would be easier to find out what REALLY goes on at BM house, but she is behind.
As far as the money...right now my DH and I can barley make our own rent, let alone afford day cares, and we have no family in the area. I know there is programs that help pay for your daycare...and if i TRULY thought we could get custody of my SD and could get some "proof" of BM poor parenting then I would do it, regardless of the $, we have talked to people in the court system, and paid for a consultation from a lawyer... and both said, basically, we would have no case. My SD is healthy, appears to be fed and well nourished, and all of her bruises could def. pass for just normal 4 year old bruises (and im sure most of them are)... BM is neglectful in a physically harmful way to her health... it's really more just (what millions of parents do) sit her in front of the TV all day, doesn't read to her, doesn't work on alphabet, doesn't do ANYTHING to educate her, thinks her speech is "fine", and aparently finds some reason that she feels SD needs to be "punished" in a physical manner.
I do feel SOME comfort in the fact that SD is a happy girl and she loves her big sister (BM other daughter)... i just know if her mother doesn't take steps to be more proactive then SD is going to be behind the rest of her life. She can't even say her own NAME for petes sake... and BM doesn't have a problem with this?? So no, i don't believe my SD is in any "immediate danger"... and SOME people would argue that it's not even "abuse"...but would she be 100 times better off with me and her BF? Yes, without a doubt. But the court won't see it that way.