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Missing extracurriculars for one weekend - is this unreasonable?

SMof2Girls's picture

The skids are in TX with their mom for the fall and are enrolled in extracurriculars. This results in games all day on Saturdays between the two kids (8am start until about 3pm finish between the two games and break in between).

DH wants to fly down and visit since he hasn't seen them since August. They don't come home until December. CO states he has visitation on weekends and alternating holidays, so he's within his rights to go see them.

However, BM is stating that the girls have to attend their extracurriculars (which he paid half of) and has been using this as a reason to dick him around with scheduling dates.

So my question .. is it unreasonable that they miss one day of games to spend time with their dad they haven't seen in 2 months? I know structure is important, but I seriously don't think 1 day will be their undoing.

As for getting BM to agree .. my concern is that if we don't agree to different days, she won't allow him to see them. By the time we get a court order ordering it, it'll be December and they'll be coming home anyway. He is limited to flying down on weekends as he can't get any other time off from work.

Input? Advice?

cant win for losin's picture

Well, first off, wouldn't he WANT to see them play in their extracurricular activites? I understand that he doesn't see them often because of the distance, which means he really doesn't see much or know much about their everyday life. Sure you can be told about it through the phone or skype but to not see it with his own eyes, he really is missing out.
3 p.m. really isn't THAT late into the day. This would give him the chance to see the skids doin what they do. what they like to do. Maybe meet some of their friends, the parents of the friends. How cool would it be to talk to them after the weekend visit and the skids say, "yeah dad remember so and so.....when we were at that one place...." and dad can actually visulize it because he was actually there.

Yes it does seem kind of stuffy/rude of BM not to let the kids miss out on the days activites for the weekend visit. But think about what would they do with dad while he was there? Probably pretty close to the same thing they could do anytime cause they live in the area. Go back to the hotel and go swimming? Go shopping? Go to a movie? Eat dinner?

Spending time with our kids doesn't just mean doing something big with them when visiting is happening. No dad cannot make up for lost time, and I don't believe any kid wants that. They just want the time they have to remember. I think they will remember and have it mean more to them if he is spending time with them by sharing in the experience of the glimpse into their life.

IMO

SMof2Girls's picture

I don't disagree with you .. I should have clarified.

BM lives on a military base. That is where the extracurriculars take place. She will not allow DH to go. She is saying that he can't see the girls until after their games/practices are over.

It's not that he hasn't offered to go to the games, he has .. she won't allow it. Normally it wouldn't be a big deal, but because of the military factor, it's not something we can just ignore.

SMof2Girls's picture

Furthermore, he's been trying to schedule time to go see them since they left (August 20th). He had a few extra days off in September over holiday weekends, etc .. but she bullshits him around until it's too late for him to go.

Now that he's limited to weekends .. she's holding the game time against him.

I think at the end of the day, she won't allow him to see them; at least not on any terms that work for him.

cant win for losin's picture

ahh, i see. then i would say, since there is a chance he would be flying down there wasting money on a trip for a "maybe" i don't think he should go.

is there anything in the court order that says he gets to see them? That's the other thing too, it kinda doesn't matter. He would be flying all that way and she could just still not let them see him, and then what?! KWIM?

SMof2Girls's picture

This is where I lean on the whole thing Sad

If she'll agree to the dates without condition, he will book the trip and go. If she won't agree, then I'm going to suggest he doesn't even bother.

This is almost exactly what I told him. If he goes and she withholds the kids, what can he really do? File a complaint? Big whoop .. you're still out the expense to travel there and then lawyer fees on top of it. And for what? You gain nothing.

His counter was that if I go with him, we could still enjoy the time with each other if she pulls a 180 on him .. but if we're not getting the skids, I don't wanna deal with a grumpy, pouting DH the whole weekend either ..

He just misses those kids so damn much it hurts Sad

melissity's picture

Yeah, that's a bit selfish on BM's part in my opinion. I think that qualifies as abusing her status as the custodial parent and interferring in their relationship. (Have you signed my petition?? http://www.change.org/petitions/equal-parenting-law)

ONE weekend is not unreasonable when he hasn't seen his children in 2 months.

We have a similar situation, though DH has full legal custody, the children go to BM's every weekend (as well as Wednesday after school until 8pm) except the first weekend of the month. BM signed SD7 up for dance classes Wednesday, thursday, friday and saturday. We do not take her thursdays, and we have no intention of taking her on our ONE WEEKEND out of the month when it's 30 minutes away from our house.

What a hateful bitch.

SMof2Girls's picture

SD4's bday is next week. She's already told him they will be busy all weekend so she won't be available to talk on the phone on her birthday.

Who DOES that?

We send care packages and cards/notes and photos at least weekly .. in almost 6 weeks, they've received 2. BM swears she just doesn't know what happened to the rest ..

When he schedules his Skype appointments with her, he gets a 15 minute window. If she decides to put the skids to bed early that night, oh well DH! He has Skyped with them twice since they've been gone, despite making appointments (yes, that's how she refers to it) at least 2x weekly.

That's the kind of person we're dealing with.

JustAnotherSM's picture

This sounds to me like conduct unbecoming an officer. Is there any way her behavior can be reported to higher-ups on base?

SMof2Girls's picture

God I WISH he would call her CO sometimes.

He says that it will only piss her off .. that they won't really do anything to her. She has the benefit of being face to face with these people and spewing any distorted story she wants. With no proof of anything other than scheduling conflicts, what would they do?

He thinks the backlash we'll get from her will likely not be worth any wrist slap they give her.

Idk how all that works .. but DH is convinced it wouldn't be helpful.

SMof2Girls's picture

She's got nothing on him .. he has no record, pays all his CS on time, follows the CO

Idk .. maybe I shouldn't be worried .. but if she CAN make it worse, she will .. and she is definitely smart enough to do so without any charges from the Navy sticking. It's not hard for her to make an argument that she's in school full time with 2 kids and she can't just drop everything to accomodate her ex husband who lives half way across the country. She's got the upper hand in that argument being that she personally knows every commanding officer there.

Trinka's picture

i dont know much about military bases & stuff.... is he not allowed on the base at all? ever?

SMof2Girls's picture

I don't think she can .. but it's more this:

The last thing he wants is to show up at their games and have BM flip out and make him leave, or cause a ridiculous scene. Even if she can't physically make him leave, she WILL flip out. He hasn't seen them in 2 months and he doesn't want that to be their experience either

It just sucks .. the whole flipping situation sucks Sad

momof3vt's picture

We have a similar situation with DH's ex. I say, if she doesn't have the authority to keep him off base, he should go. So what if she makes it a scene. That will just make her look really bad in front of her kids and all her friends on base.

Trinka's picture

that sucks. i was going to say he should TELL her "hey i am coming to see the kids on THIS DATE what time can i pick them up?"

sooooo unfair. Sad

SMof2Girls's picture

Yeah that's where he's leaning .. that the two of us will go no matter what.

She'll have notice he's coming .. if she gives him the skids, they'll have the time together and I can do something else or join them .. whatever.

If she doesn't give him the kids, then we'll just have a (pretty expensive) weekend away together. But at least he'll have documented proof of going there and trying to see them.

It's all so stupid. Selfish, stupid, and frustrating.

StepKidto3Momto3's picture

Are all games on the military base? Do they not have away games?

I doubt she can forbid him from coming onto the base to see his daughter's play. Plus, while she may make a scene most places, will she do it on base near superior officers??? I'd suggest DH have a copy of his court order with him to show the MPs that he does have visitation rights.

I'd also suggest getting the order modified to a long distance parenting plan so he has actual dates and times for extended visitation, both on/near the base and at his house.

SMof2Girls's picture

Yeah I'm certain we could get on base, it's the scene she'll create that bothers him (more because he doesn't want the kids to be tramatized by his first visit to see them in TX).

When they first separated, he transferred all of his funds to his own bank account. She called the bank and because she knew all of his secret questions (not his password, mind you) she was able to drain his accounts.

The bank investigated and ultimately took the money back from her. When he called to report to her CO, they did absolutely nothing. Basically told him they'd look into it but he got his money back, so what's the problem? Granted, that was years ago, but it's left DH feeling like that's a dead end.

cant win for losin's picture

i would also say that if you and hubby do decide to go there and get shot down by bm, and he acts all mopy then gently remind him that he knew this was a chance. HE wanted you to come to spend time together in case he doesn't end up seeing the skid, and that him being mopy is not making the trip enjoyable at all.

i understand it will be a let down, and all but you still gotta live life. and make the most of the moment now.

Lauren B's picture

I don't know if it works the same in TX (I would assume it does), but I live in San Diego where there are a ton of military bases. Anyone can get on base with a valid driver's license and proof of insurance. Most military bases have a visitor center where you register. Doesn't require much effort. I do it a lot.

SanAntonioSoccerMom's picture

You cannot just get on a military base, you have to have a sponsor to sign you on. I live in San Antonio and have a military ID card. I am not sure if I could sign him on base because the rules have changed-depending on the installation/installation commander (actually we are considered "Joint Base" here and I know we have the same one star General in charge of JBSA). Most times during the day (0800-1800) they only check the driver's ID. You could possibly roll thru the gate with no problem, of course unless they have 100% ID or random car searches.

SanAntonioSoccerMom's picture

Ummmmm wow. I was ADAF (Active Duty Air Force)for many years. My husband served more than 18 years on active status and is currently on AGR status. I am currently an ID card holder as are my 3 children. I live within miles of a base. I just went to the commissary actually. Lived and worked on that base actually.

All of those "fancy events" you mentioned are all fine and dandy, but there is an absolute vetting process to get anyone on base. Even pizza delivery guys. There is 100% ID card for all people trying to get on base after 1800. Certain gates will be open at certain times in the rare event of an event so long as base access is restricted.

I can absolutely direct you to the correct information if YOU need it as I do not.

Toursim is the #1 industry in San Antonio. Military and Federal is #3.

SanAntonioSoccerMom's picture

Taken from the JBSA website. Please read the first line pertaining to need a DOD ID card holder as a sponsor. It is clear.

*************************

Visitor's Information

In order to enter JBSA locations, visitors are required to have a valid form of identification and to have a sponsor with a valid DoD ID card.

For information and questions concerning sponsor procedures, email your local visitor control center:

JBSA-Fort Sam Houston

JBSA-Lackland

JBSA-Randolph

VALID FORMS OF ID:

Military (active, reserve, national guard, dependant, retiree)

Passport (US and foreign upon prior coordination)

State issued driver's license

State issued ID cards

Brooke Army Medical Center badge

Contractor card

US issued visa (work, travel, or student)

DoD civilian

Driving on Base:
Drivers on JBSA locations must have a valid driver's license, registration and proof of insurance; obey posted speed limits; wear seat belts at all times; use hands-free mobile devices.

SMof2Girls's picture

We contacted the base and the local youth athletic league .. because the soccer game is hosted by the local district and not the military, we will be allowed on base with two forms of ID and current registration/insurance.

Luckily, even though the cheerleading event is military-sponsored, it happens around the same time so we should be able to see both.

Your input is very helpful, and admittedly had me VERY scared for a second!

SanAntonioSoccerMom's picture

Why would you need two forms of ID? That is weird.

That is good you figured this out in advance and the soocer league can sponsor you on base, I wouldn't travel all the way to SA and then have to rely on BM to get you on base. We have similar situation at high school football games. We have a "high school gate" that is opened for games (they lock any gates leading into the base) When BM came for SS18's graduation last May she wanted to get on base and my SS tried to sign her on, but since he doesn't live on base, and it was after duty hours, he was not allowed to sign her on. Neither my husband nor myself would attempt to sign her on either, she had no reason to be on base.

JSBA has new "vetting procedures" for getting people on base. I had to get caterers on base for an event this past summer and it was a nightmare. Luckily one of the drivers was in the Reserves and had an ID so they let his car thru.

Message me if you need any phone numbers. I live here in SA and am about 4 miles from an Air Force Base.

Our youth sports program does not have soccer. We have football, volleyball, bball and cheer. We only play military teams though...

If you go to the JBSA website you can get all the phone numbers to the visitors' center along with the gate hours because they are different on the weekends. If you are going to Ft Sam. good luck. That is is confusing base, message me if you need directions.