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Milestones and ADHD calling steps and parents

Ericabee00's picture

Both BM and DH makes Excuses for SS because he has ADHD. There are basic Milestones I think he should have reached but has not even with his ADHD

Below can you tell me WHEN your kids either bio or steps reached these and what you as a parent think is a normal time they should be reached. 

1. Able to tie Their own shoes without assistance?

2. Ride a bicycle without training wheels if living in area that allows for safe bike riding? 

3. Put them self’s to bed without parents walking them to bed and tucking them in?

4. Would rather hang out with friends than hang out with parents?

5. Started listening to music? Ok maybe not a milestone but what age did your kids start liking music? 

Mominit's picture

I think your idea of "milestones" is heavily focused on interest, and very little focused on ability.You're not talking potty training and feeding oneself with a spoon.  You're asking about things that involve interest (riding a bike, music, friends) or fear (bikes, bed).  Add onto that - our generation is not their generation.  It's important to let them be themselves, without demanding that they be us too.  But to answer your questions (below), please note that these kids have all grown up to be wonderful, productive, very independent people.

1. Able to tie Their own shoes without assistance? School age, becuase until then it wasn't a big deal and I just got velcro shoes.  But by 4-5 years old we made it a point to spend a day with Dad's shoe on their lap teaching them how to do it.  They didn't get very good at it until 6, and the boy to this day is capable of tying, but prefers to leave them tied and slip them on and off where possible (possibly because he's quite tall and it's a pain for him to sit on the floor)

2. Ride a bicycle without training wheels if living in area that allows for safe bike riding?   4-11.  One of them could probably have done it at 3.  I was never interested in bikes so I never taught my daughter.  She learned when my DH decided it was a good skill to have (he's right).  The youngest is capable (learned at 8 maybe)?  But to this day none of them own bikes.  They hate riding bikes and would rather walk.  Once it stopped being a family activity and became a mode of transportation/independance those bikes never moved again.

3. Put them self’s to bed without parents walking them to bed and tucking them in?  When the parent is ready to give up that time.  I think I finally stopped at 10 or 11.  They'd get ready for bed on their own by 5 or 6, but I always popped in for a chat, a song, a story and prayers.

4. Would rather hang out with friends than hang out with parents? Never.  Seriously.  Kids these days don't "Hang out" with friends the way we used to.  Not one of the BKs/SKs would call up and arrange hangouts during the week.  I don't like mall rat children so I never volunteered to drive them.  They wouldn't call their friends or even play video games most of the time.  They all had occasional sleep overs and parties.  But for the most part our kids hung out with us, or each other, or on their own during their out of school hours, and enjoyed their friends in school.

5. Started listening to music? Ok maybe not a milestone but what age did your kids start liking music?  birth, 5, off and on, never.  One is a total music girl, one liked music as a child but never seeks it out.  I love music but do not have it on.  Almost never.  It is incredibly rare for me to turn on a radio, or put music on a speaker.  I am much happier to have peace and quiet, or open a window and listen to the birds.

All of the varied ages and interests of the kids are theirs.  They all turned out great.  I have two total bookworms, two who love hockey (yuck!), they're all into the arts (I'm into science), one athlete, one musician. And they almost never left the house, still enjoy getting together with their parents for vacations (even dull camping ones!).  Kids!  They're their own litttle people!

ITB2012's picture

OSS19 had/has/will continue to have ADHD. When DH and I first met and continuing into the next few years I heard a lot of "that's just OSS" or "OSS isn't a biker/sports player/bday party/x/y/z kind of kid." BM decided that OSS had every foible you hear about kids with ADHD. But she also treated him more like he was autistic than had ADHD. They didn't try to help him keep up with his peers socially or emotionally. He was about six months to a year behind in maturation and I think he only was at that level because of YSS. They treated YSS and OSS as if they were the same age, so if YSS was doing it then it was expected that if OSS didn't like it at least he should know how to do it (pick an 'it').

I had a very, very serious talk with DH about how OSS was being treated. And after OSS made his own excuses related to his ADHD, I had a private talk with him about it. That I had worked with kids with all kinds of abilities and disabilities and regardless, they are all kids, just kids. And that I would treat him as if he were just a kid. So if I gave a treat, it's a regular treat. If I yelled, it was because he did a regular kid thing that needed yelling. If I redirected, it was because it was an adult redirecting a kid, just a kid.

It also helped that around that time the teachers decided enough was enough and told BM to stop rescuing him (and YSS sometimes). She'd do things like sneak their late homework into the teacher's mailboxes in the front office so it looked like they turned it in there and the teacher just hadn't checked their mail (as if any teacher would buy the excuse that a kid thought homework got turned in at the office).

I will say some of the things you are expecting (like friends and music) are personality type things. The kid may never have a huge friend group or want to listen to music. However, parents should encourage friends and not allow the kid to be another adult in the house. The others, well, my opinion is that there is no reason the kid shouldn't be doing it within the same timeframe as their peers, perhaps at the oldest end of the range but still doing it within standard timeframes. It is understandable if there is one, maybe two, things the kid lags behind on, but not everything. (DS with no ADHD diagnoses was a chicken sh!% when it came to riding a bike without training wheels. When he finally was the last one in the neighborhood, he learned to ride without them.)

ladybug3's picture

My SS is 5 so he hasn't reached some of these milestones yet but I'll list the ones he has and when he got there. 

1. Able to tie Their own shoes without assistance? He started putting his own shoes on at age 4, but they don't have laces.

2. Ride a bicycle without training wheels if living in area that allows for safe bike riding? He's been riding a bike without training wheels since he was 4. 

3. Put them self’s to bed without parents walking them to bed and tucking them in? He's been able to do this since I met him, so at age 3. 

4. Would rather hang out with friends than hang out with parents? Not sure about this one because he doesn't really hang out with friends yet, but when there are other kids at our house he'd rather be with them than us. Since forever.

5. Started listening to music? Ok maybe not a milestone but what age did your kids start liking music? SS doesn't listen to music.

 

Also, I should note, SS hasn't been diagnosed but there is a very good chance he has ADHD. DH has it and SS shows all the symptoms. All kids develop at different times though, but in your case I highly doubt ADHD has anything to do with it. Has anyone tried getting your SS to do things for himself? SS5 didn't want to start putting his own shoes on but when we told him either he put them on himself or he couldn't go to the park/playground/etc he figured out how to put them on.

Rags's picture

How old is this kid?

I see nothing wrong with your list.  If the Skid is old enough and capable enough to comply.  I am a firm believer in challenging a kid to perform and requiring that they do.

1. Able to tie Their own shoes without assistance?

My Skid was ~6.  I had to sit him down for a marathon shoe tying lesson when my wife got a call from his school when he kicked his untied shoe across the lunch room.  His teacher sent home a note to all parents that she would no longer tie kids shoes so they needed to either wear slip ons or velcro shoes or know how to tie them themselves. My wife hated slip ons or velcro. I really couldn't have cared less what shoes he wore.  SS's friend who usually would tie his shoes finally told him she would not do it any more and he got upset.  So, we fixed that problem.  

Not a hill to die on IMHO. Put them in slip ons or velcro sues and let the ridicule of their fashion by their peers address the problem.

2. Ride a bicycle without training wheels if living in area that allows for safe bike riding?

SS was ~9.  I fought for years to get him to ride his bike.  Even my dad who is the most patient guy I know gave up on teaching SS how to ride his bike.  . He used to go so fast with the training wheels that he would bounce back and forth until he crashed and burned. I took the trainers off and we worked for ever on him riding his bike.  He just wouldn't recognize that the trainers were causing him to crash and was scared to death to ride without them.  He would spend all of his bike seat time looking back at me to make sure I didn't let him go.  So, I told him I would hold on until he looked then I would let him go and he would crash because he was not watching where he was going. He never made the connection that looking resulted in me letting go.  My dad taught me to ride a bike when I was 4yo.  The same with my little brother.  

I finally loaded his bike in the back of my truck and he and his mom and I met my parents at the local park. I put him on the bike at the top of a long grassy slope pushed him down the hill, and ... he crashed and  burned.  I made him push his bike up the hill  and told him he was going to learn to ride or he could push his bike the three miles home.  Mom, dad, DW and I set out on a walk.  10mins later the kid flew past us on his bike like he had been riding it for years.  I had to remove all support from the process to get him to figure it out.  

3. Put them self’s to bed without parents walking them to bed and tucking them in? 

Maybe 4-ish? If I recall correctly.

4. Would rather hang out with friends than hang out with parents?

Near the end of 8th grade for my Skid.

5. Started listening to music? Ok maybe not a milestone but what age did your kids start liking music?

He was in band from 6th grade on.  So music was pretty much a constant from then on.