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MIL Blues

SMBlues's picture

I'm starting to receive mixed signals from MIL. It seemed in the beginning she genuinely liked me, but this last year I don't know so much. I think MIL thought DH would get back with BM at some point. I think she was happy he found someone and was relieved they would never get back together. In the beginning all was wonderful. Now she seems to nitpick everything we do.

Last year she sent me a birthday card. When I called to thank her she said she didn't know whether I received mail at our place or not. I assumed she confused me with BM, she had her mail sent to her parent's house. My response to her was why would I not receive mail at my home.

I was even nitpicked on how I like my coffee. When we visit she wants me to cook when she wants me to cook. Over the summer we went and I offered to make homemade spaghetti and meatballs for dinner. She said no, only to turn around a few days later and we had pre-made meatballs. When we came earlier in the year after travelling from one state to another she had me come in and make a roast. I didn't even get a chance to sit and relax.

She will send me only a card for my birthday, but when Mother's Day, her birthday or Christmas comes around she expects a gift. She's said so, literally has told DH she expected a gift from the both of us. I started letting DH handle her gifts after she complained about a blouse I gave her. Silly me I thought she didn't liked some of the gifts I picked out because she never said anything about them.

Is there a such thing as disengaging from MIL's? We will be going to visit for Christmas. I'm thinking of letting DH go by himself in the summers and any other time he wants to go. It is my charge to only see her once a year if I can do so.

thebrokenrecordmachine's picture

Hi There,

I have experienced what you have as well- hot and cold. MIL is in her 80s so i try not to get too upset when i think about it. She has told SO on the phone when our DD2 was crying, "Why dont you tell broken to get DD2 out of the room and watch her". One time SO asked me to call his mother and tell her we will be 15 minutes to her house, I call and say, "how are you?", she says, "im not asking how you are where are you". I was kind of shocked. Not sure what changed as MIL appeared to like me, but every now and then i get mixed feelings.
Maybe its something to do with her and not necessarily you. Maybe she is jealous, there could be many reasons. At least she makes the effort to send you a card, at least that shows she must like you somewhat or in the very least tolerate and accept you as your DHs partner.
If your feeling really uncomforable, maybe you could talk to your DH but ensure he does not repeat anything to his mother...sometimes it is easy when you are not there, in all honesty, that would be my first reaction- is it right? im not sure...i would go over one more time and if she is still a little iffy, you have your answer- for the time being.
Good Luck!

JustMee's picture

I feel for you having to deal with a MIL like that.
My exMIL was very similar to yours and that played a very huge part in my decision to divorce my ex.
Every trip we made revolved around MIL and her wants. Most of our trips were to visit her to do work (and cooking by me).
She was demanding, rude, selfish and not pleasant to be around. My exDH worshiped her and let her dictate where we lived (so that we would not be too far away from her).
Every holiday was on her terms.. in the 10 years I was married to exDH we never once had our own holiday (Christmas, July 4th, Thanksgiving etc).

I wish I could give you advice on how to deal with her. All I ended up doing was disengaging somewhat. I would let exDH go visit her on his own.. and she always had some snippy comment if I didn't go along. I just ignored the passive aggressive tactics from her.

twoviewpoints's picture

My suggestion is for you and your Dh to visit but to stay in a hotel while you are visiting. You don't mention how old or what kind of health your MIL is in. Does she have diet restrictions? Does she need to set her meals around times she needs to take medications?

None of it, I suppose, really matters, bottomline is the woman I stuck in her ways and having her ways in her home. Stay in a hotel. Offer to take MIL to dinner out. Take her to the store after making a menu for meals if to dine at home and help pay for the food to be serve. Your MIL may live on a set budget and feeding you and DH (and any kids?) may be a hardship or she may be wanting to use what she already has in her fridge and/or freezer.

So she didn't like the blouse? No biggie. But, yes, she should have said thank-you. I do buy personal gifts for my mother as I know my mother very well. As this is your DH's mother, he may be the best one to do MIL gifts. If the woman is hard to buy for made up gift basket as suggested above work well (again take any diet restrictions into consideration while choosing basket items)

If you and DH live a couple states away and go to visit two or three times a year, how well do MIL and you even know each other? Little things like how you drink your coffee, was she actually being critical or was it more curious as in 'wow, that's a lot of cream'?

But realistically, you two live a couple states away. You're not a part of each other daily, weekly nor even monthly lives. You really don't have to like each other. Being civil and social polite when you see her is about all that is required.

My MIL ( now deceased) was a miserable old bat. The woman was never happier than when she was b*tching. It wasn't me, it was just her being her. She was not a real likeable person, but she treated everybody about the same. Everybody got equal shares of her doom and gloom.

strugglingSM's picture

Ugh! I totally know what you mean. My MIL acts nice to my face, but is judgy and back-stabbing when I'm not around. She's told DH in front of me that he should make his brother the executor of his will to ensure my SSs get "what is rightfully theirs" (not sure what that is since DH had to move in with her after his divorce because he had so much debt from his first marriage). She also had the nerve to tell DH that she had a long talk with BM and she agreed with BM that I was the root of all problems between BM and DH and I should sit down with BM and work out my differences. Since then, I've held her at arms' length. I'm friendly and nice to her face and periodically do nice things for her, but I don't trust her and don't reach out to her beyond the basics. She also has lots of opinions about what other people - including me - should be doing (DH's whole family does this and it drives me bonkers).

I have plenty of friends who have disengaged from their MILs. One even went so far as to avoid spending any time with her MIL. At one point, she told her DH she was sick of all the negativity and he would have to see his mother alone going forward.

SugarSpice's picture

mils can be a blessing or a curse. they can help a married or totally undermine it.

bm cheated on dh with a married man breaking up two marriages. then bm married her lover. fil in law was furious and hates bm but mil sooner ot later struck up an email friendship with bm. this had nothing to do with the skids. i would see bms email on the list and it was for things like funny pictures memes and recipes and things like that.

i wanted to say to her. hello mrs mil? may i refresh your memory? do you remember what bm did to your son the and depression it plunged him into? do you recall he almost lost his job. and you are chatting up the woman who broke your sons hearts and raised self absorbed monsters who use his for a cash cow?

then there was the time one of the skids told me to go to h@ll to my face while living under my roof. i called her to commiserate and mil told me never to call her again. after that i never ever did. i did not even make a pretense to talk to her when dh was talking to his parents.

i am too old to tolerate bad energy in my life. i am so glad the skids and mil are out of my life.

strugglingSM's picture

In my case, DH was miserable the whole time he was married to BM, BM spent money like it was going out of style, she was and is verbally, emotionally, and at times physically abusive to DH,, and she's so emotionally volatile that she can barely parent SSs. Despite all this DH fought tooth and nail against the divorce so his children would have an intact family, but MIL still resents him for getting divorced. MIL also continues to think BM is a wonderful mother - even though MIL finds SSs' behavior annoying.

Looking at DH's relationship with MIL, I can see some similarities to his relationship with BM and wonder if that's why he thought his relationship with BM is normal. MIL is also manipulative and has said some pretty insulting things to DH, including calling him a bad father. She then wonders why DH rarely calls her...

Acratopotes's picture

Nope you go with your husband... why would you not, because of his mother? I will not give her the satisfaction..

It's possible to disengage from them, when you are there you can be polite and not rude, but that's about that..
if MIL starts her shit, simply look her in the eye and say MIL, I'm an adult and I'm not your daughter, please stop treating me like this or that......

I think these woman called MIL - try and play boss of the family and that's when they get like this, they do not like the fact that you are female and married to their son.... to me it's purely a thing like Alpha Female