Middle ground
I have a daughter who is 5. The guy I want to marry hasn't seemed to take to her much. We've been living all together for almost a year.
She will hug him while he's trying to make dinner and he'll shrug her off. And if she asks him for something, he almost always tells her to ask her mom. He complains a lot about what she doesn't do, and while sometimes he has kind words for her, he seems so stiff when he says something nice to her.
He has two children from a previous relationship, but they live out of state and I have never met them. Though he hasn't seen them in a few years, it's not like he's new to this parenting thing.
He has a big issue with my daughter's father. I am friendly with my ex. I don't like him or hate him. We talk on the phone about our daughter, and we've cut that way back since my boyfriend said he didn't approve of our communication. In fact, I don't take my ex's calls now unless my daughter is around to talk to him. But when the ex and I have to physically exchange my daughter, my boyfriend kind of goes nuts. He says we are spending too much time together. My ex lives 1,000 miles away and sees his daughter maybe two or three times a year for long weekends.
I can't imagine what this would be like if we all lived in the same town.
I agree with the general consensus that exes and new relationships don't mix, but I've trimmed the relationship with my ex to the bone and my boyfriend still isn't happy. I'm starting to feel bullied, like he wants all this control over what goes on between my ex and me. And you know what? I would happily include my boyfriend on all of it, copying him on emails and putting my ex on speakerphone, and my ex has even suggested the same, but then my boyfriend refuses to "get involved." Much like he doesn't get involved with my daughter. He isn't exactly father-of-the-year material, and admits as much.
I love my boyfriend, and this is the only issue we argue about. I would love to fix this somehow and live happily ever after. What can I do????
Ah.. Happily ever After
I guess it could happen--but don't forget that's the last line fairy tales!
Could it be that your BF doesn't want to get close to your daughter, maybe out of guilt or insecurities over the situation with his children he does not see. In some way he could feel that he's betraying his own children if he focuses on your daughter too much.
I dated a man for four years after my divorce--we never lived together, but spent plenty of time together. He never got close to my kids--but the he didn't have any experience with children either. What I found was the only way I could get him to willingly spend time with my children or bond was to just tell him what I saw him doing.
EXample my youngest at the time BD(4) would try to climb up in his lap to hug or kiss him and talk. He'd not let her or she would tell him she loved him and he would say "That's nice." I told him that kids love unconditionally. You don't have to be perfect or "special" to have a child's love. In most cases they have not been hurt enough at that age to view love in any other way then something good. What they do understand to some degree is rejection--and that's not healthy for a child's emtional or mental health. That kind of behavior becomes damaging to a child especially if it continues for a long time.
I don't know what else to suggest other then telling him how you feel and how much it could hurt your child. I hope that helped some.
Alisha
No Middle Ground
When it comes to your daughter, her needs are going to be your first priority, right? Having a healthy, communicative, supportive relationship with her father, your ex, is the best thing you have going. Yet, you are willing to compromise on that for your BF?
As to your BF...we can love the wrong people. It's possible that the love you have for him isn't going to be enough to get you through his fears, insecurities, and controlling behavior. Statistics show that this type of behavior he's exhibiting will only get worse once a marriage is formal. He won't suddenly start becoming more open to your daughter nor more involved with her father.
As a father figure, he is clueless because he hasn't nurtured that aspect with his own children. I agree with Alisha and suspect he's unable to care for your daughter the way you ALL need, because he's feeling guilty about his lack of fathering with his own children. It's an understandable feeling, but unless it's addressed now it won't improve.
Are you sure this is the right guy for your future? He's going to be a stepfather and from what I've read, his only contribution in that role is to derail the healthy relationship you have with your ex. If you really want a middle ground, it looks like you'll be the only one developing it. Is that really what you want?