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Meeting the Ex

tigerlily74's picture

So I haven't met the Ex yet and am wondering what her agenda is.

DH and the Ex were married for 30 years - the last 10 years in separate rooms under the same roof. During those 10 years, she had two affairs and continually threatened divorce. Her reasons: DH (a church minister) did not earn as much as their peers; and she didn't agree with DH's parenting style. Finally after 10 years, she forced the divorce on him - something thoroughly humiliating for him as a pastor.

Two years later, he meets me and we get engaged. Two months after our engagement, she suddenly offers to reconcile with a view towards remarriage. The manner of this offer is pathetic: she met up with DH in DH's brother's office and got the SD28 to show up to provide the waterworks and dramatics. I return the engagement ring to DH and ask him to consider the changed circumstances for a month. During the entire month, she doesn't contact him directly. You would think she would ask him for a meal or coffee if she was really trying to win him back! After a month, DH emails her to say he's given his heart to me and to let the matter rest. She tries one last ditch email, copied to DH's brother, to which he replies again that he's given his heart to me.

I suspect she always expected DH to honour his marital vow despite her breaking hers because he's a church minister. So she probably expected to be able to fall back on him anytime. His getting married to me would change that and half his estate would go to me legally. Less for her and her kids. Also, I suspect she made the offer to appear penitent to the family (hence involving DH's brother in all communication) and to get the children on her side and turn against their father.

So now that DH's family knows she has offered to reconcile, they cannot accept our relationship. DH's father says he will only approve of our wedding if SS32, SD28 and SS24 are won over; DH's sister declares she will not attend any family function if I'm there; DH's brother - who is also a pastor - recuses himself from solemnising our wedding; SS32 emails the wider family (grandfather, uncles, aunts and cousins) several times demonising me; SD28 repeatedly pleads with her papa to return to the Ex (going down on her knees to beg him and weeping buckets every time they meet up).

What's really weird about DH's family is that they all knew about the Ex's affairs and suffered alongside DH during those 10 tumultous years. But, not only do they not share DH's current happiness with me, they invite her to family functions like birthdays and Christmas. And, totally devoid of any shame, she attends! I mean, seriously? You cheat on your husband, toss him out by forcing a divorce on him, and you still attend his family's functions??? (Note: DH doesn't attend these functions as I'm not invited.)

Our wedding date approaches. SS32 writes to our solemnising pastor asking him not to marry us. SD28 emails me a super long email detailing why her church forbids remarriage. DH's cousins - who take DH's kids side - email me to admonish me not to marry DH. We even assign people at our wedding to keep an eye out for SD28 in case she shows up and causes a scene.

What's interesting is that post-wedding, we hear that apparently the Ex had declared to everyone that now that DH is remarried, she is no-one to the family and will not be attending family functions any longer. Talk about being a victim. Like, excuse me woman, you were no-one to the family when you divorced their son/brother/father. Do you really feel entitled to being a someone in the family of the man you cheated on and divorced???

Three months post-wedding, we haven't heard anything about her. However, DH's aged aunt is ailing and might pop off anytime. DH's father is 92 and might possibly pop off too. Also SS24 will be graduating in August. All these events will include me as DH's Second Wife and the Ex will definitely attend.

Do any of you have insights about the Ex given her behaviour? How do you think she would act when we finally meet, and how should I act?

Appreciate you reading this long story and any insights/advice you offer.

tigerlily74's picture

They sure are one weird family.

I don't want to meet her particularly. But family funerals will necessitate my attendance. She, being devoid of shame, is bound to attend - she is, after all, a Facebook friend with DH's 92yo father and 90yo aunt.

I'm inclined to attend SS24's graduation as he was the only skid who came to our wedding. Also, the graduation is in another country and I'm not about to send DH off to vacation with his first family. Even if I'm not at the actual graduation ceremony, I'll definitely travel with DH.

But yes, I steer clear of them otherwise!

Rags's picture

DH's clan is about as sad and pathetic as they could possibly be I think.

As for the forthcoming DH clan events .... if his XW is going to be there it is imperative that you go on DH's arm looking happy and radiant. Dress to the nines, beam your joy of life and happiness in your new marriage.

XW and the rest of the naysayers will wilt in your radiance. Toxic people devoid of character nearly always do.

These pathetic self righteous morons are like cockroaches who scurry for the dark corners in a roach filled room when someone throws on a light. Be the light. They will be what they are... cockroaches.

I applaud your intention to attend your SD-24's graduation. I for one would never abdicate my SO's side for any reason and for damned sure wouldn't fail to be with her at any family event regardless of what the cockroach minions felt about my presence regardless of the family affiliation that they might have.

Be happy.

Congratulations on your recent wedding.

tigerlily74's picture

Be radiant - great advice! The best revenge, so they say, is looking good! Although knowing what miserable people they are, they will find any radiance too showy and distasteful.

DH's clan is pathetic indeed. These days, I'm included in email circulars - but so is the Ex. Ridiculous to my mind. Bah.

tigerlily74's picture

I'm afraid I can't take the ignoring route. DH maintains a cordial relationship with her for the sake of their children - which is admirable enough. He doesn't contact her at all so I can't fault him for being polite in the very rare occasions that they do meet. Also, I do want to be polite. Not about to give DH's family any ammunition to use against me!

ChiefGrownup's picture

That's what we do -- cordial and gracious (with BM at functions). I don't participate in scenes.

An old ex-friend of mine wanted to "confront" me about the demise of our relationship at my own niece's wedding. This was the most ludicrous thing I'd ever heard of (I think they based the Real Housewives franchise on her!). If I had to, I was prepared to miss my own niece's wedding in order not to be an agent of ruining it. As it was, ex friend had been warned so she confined her efforts to insisting I accompany her out to the parking lot on some pretext. I just smiled and told her I wouldn't be able to -- repeatedly. Jumped up to the dance floor and never looked back.

Just smile and keep your face pointed somewhere pleasant. Head to the pleasantness.

tigerlily74's picture

Be polite and be better than them. Thanks for the advice!

PS. It *is* their loss. Sucks to be them.

notsurehowtodeal's picture

When you meet her act every inch a lady. Walk over, put out your hand, and introduce yourself. Throw in some innocuous comment about the weather and then walk away. There should be no need for you to interact after that.

If you make the first move you are in control. You won't have to spend the rest of the day worrying that she is going to come up to you.

Just don't compliment her shoes. For some reason that I cannot explain, when I met BM I told her that her shoes were cute. We spent the next 5 minutes talking about shoes. It was surreal. Then I walked away and didn't interact with her anymore!

tigerlily74's picture

LOL at talking about shoes! Women do love their footwear

Seriously though, thank you for advising I make the first move. Being in control of the situation makes perfect sense!

tigerlily74's picture

Deleted

tigerlily74's picture

Mad Cow Disease. LOL

I've disengaged from the skids a long time ago. Two of them are out of the country so I don't have to bother. As for the SD28 who's in the same country, she's avoiding contact with me - and that suits me just fine. He's spending time with her tonight, accompanying her to a traffic theory class which I think is ridiculous. But c'est la vie. I've got dinner plans with a friend who's also a Second Wife who I can get advice from.

Yes, when I meet the Mad Cow, I'll be friendly and kill her with kindness. Meanwhile, I should lose 2kg before meeting her so I'll be smoking. Ha.

tigerlily74's picture

Well, this friend I'm meeting is actually my BIL's stepmom. I'm quite confident she won't turn on me as she's practically family! In fact, DH officiated her wedding to BIL's father. What a small world.

Bike licence: I let DH know how I felt about him riding a bike and he immediately capitulated and said he won't insist on getting a licence. But he's still going ahead and accompanying her to the theory lessons as if she was going to kindergarten for the first time. Geez. If I were 28 and trying to get a car/bike licence, I'd be so embarrassed that Daddy Dearest is coming along. But, as you have read from the above forum post, SD28 comes from a seriously warped family.

2kg is absolutely possible! I lost 7kg in the three month run-up to my wedding! I cut all carbs and sugars though. It's hell for the first week, but you get used to it thereafter. Lemon water I absolutely love! But drinking it alone doesn't constitute a diet. Now that I'm anticipating meeting the Ex for the first time, I have a diet goal. LOL

Mad Cow: She's tiny and I'm a whole head taller than her. And I'm 19 years younger. Not that it's a competition but... I win Smile

tigerlily74's picture

Hmmm. You are probably right in this instance. I'll probably keep the conversation general and ask her how she dealt with her skids and the Ex-wife.

Thanks for sharing your wisdom!

tigerlily74's picture

I actually count my BIL as great friend coz my sister is the best friend I've ever had. I'm not worried about their loyalty.

tigerlily74's picture

Yes! I don't understand how the BM, who was the cause of the family's break-up, can go from divorce-initiator-and-breaker-of-vows to poor-rejected-mom just with one super lame "possible offer of reconciliation". It wasn't even a proper offer to reconcile. Just to explore if it's possible.

So she's keeping her door wide open to run if she doesn't want to remarry DH, but DH is expected to dump me, his then-fiancee, and woo her all over again even though he's had to pick up the pieces of his life and move on after she divorced him!

And the best part is the family thinks this is entirely what he should do.

People, she broke their wedding vows. Those vows no longer exist. He doesn't owe her anything. And now he's mine. Finders keepers, losers weepers. The End!

MissElphaba's picture

SO's ex-seahag AND her hag mother both thought (and continue to think) SO should have just dealt with her cheating and stayed with her, because the seahag's mom was a serial cheater and her hubby was too lazy to leave. I still can't wrap my brain around it. According to them he should just get over it.

tigerlily74's picture

Believe me, I totally agree with your assessment that they are mighty unChristian. Because of DH and his brother being very popular and high-ranking ministers, they are treated like church royalty. Everybody thinks they are such a holy and gracious family - little do they know how they've treated DH and me.

I actually would like to meet the Ex-Wife and get it over with. Show her exactly why her offer of possible reconcilation was unrealistic after DH had picked up the pieces of his life, moved on and met me. Ha.

Yes, I intend to stay classy at all costs. Let them look petty and ungracious. Thank you!