Sometimes I really feel our DH's are at the root of the issues within step-families....below is just a small very minor totally silly situation but even this just ends up ticking everyone - YSD, myself, and even DH himself off.

Every single week we phone YSD28. Now unlike when we phone my relatives - this is a big deal. We both have to participate in the call, we both must ewh and aah over everything that comes out of YSD's mouth. There is total pressure on me from DH to be a graveling butt-kissing moron around his family when he is the exact opposite around mine.

Every other week we talk to my relatives overseas. No big deal for DH. When I'm on the phone he will do his own thing around the house, say a few words, but really isn't nearly as involved as me. This is fine, they're my relatives not his and I don't pressure DH

But the message it sends to me is that his family is so much more important than mine, he doesn't need to put real effort into relationships with them, but I need to fall over back-wards for his. So resentment builds from me

There are so many examples of minor and not so minor things that DH does where there are such double-standards when it comes to what is expected of me where his family is concerned and what (little) is expected of him with mine. These things mostly I brush off but sometimes they build and I get resentful

I think the one who may be most resentful is YSD though. Every single time DH calls her for the weekly chat, the moment she says hello bam! she's on speaker phone. DH loudly announces that he and I are on the phone. I'm thinking, if I were poor YSD I would probably be annoyed that I'm always put on speaker phone and my SM is always on the call.

When I suggest to DH from time to time that YSD might just want to chat with her dad once in a while without his wife always on the phone participating in every single conversation, DH gets offended and does the old "fine, you don't want to talk to my daughter you don't have to, guess you don't like her yada yada yada"

No "thank you for being considerate of my daughter's feelings Disillusioned" no, always the bad person who doesn't want to make effort for his family

And when I do participate, well nothing is ever good enough for DH. This weekend he immediately says Happy Thanksgiving to YSD, and is staring at me with that "you need to enthusiastically say this to my daughter" crap. Unknown to DH I had sent a nice Happy Thanksgiving message to YSD already, and some pictures I had promised to email to her, and although I immediately wished her this again, DH had 'that look' on his face, that "you didn't say it fast enough or enthusiastically enough to my daughter' nonsense

When I calmly asked YSD if she received all the pics she said oh yes, thanks so much Disillusioned, etc...etc...I loved the reaction on DH's face when he realized I had done something nice for YSD once again, and made no big deal about it to him in fact he didn't even know

Of course, YSD is probably thinking "can't I have one discussion with my dad without his wife always sticking herself into it" again, always the bad person and if she only knew!

Then, while on these calls DH will up and walk away...wander, sort of like when it's my relatives on the phone. So now I'm left talking with YSD. Of course I don't mind one bit, we get along fine and always enjoy talking with each other, but I'm sure she is thinking WHY must my SM take over the conversation? I'm mostly talking to her instead of my dad. Once again, set up to look like the meddling, bad guy when it is DH DH DH doing this

We SM's can't win if we try and can't win if we don't....and our DH's play such a big part sometimes in this happening. If they would just

1: treat our families with the same effort they expect us put into theirs, the double-standard that so ticks us SM's off would be gone
2: parent their own kids and not expect us to fall over back-wards participating in it.
3: show some appreciation for the nice things we do for their adult children, including taking it at face value and accepting when we say that we are declining in an activity involving their adult children out of respect for their children's space
4: drop the guilting, pressure, setting us up to look like the bad guy, double-standards

For my part, since I can't win with anyone whether I do or I don't, I simply do what I'm comfortable with these days. I try to let what I feel my step children want from me dictate that too.

Maybe it if were up to the skids and SM's to define the boundaries and behaviors, without the DH's involvement ha ha, we would all get along a whole lot better