Lying Manipulating step child
So heres a little background aout my story. Been dating my boyfriend for almost 2 yrs. Will be 2 years in Jan 2020. For the most part we have a good relationship. We dont live together. Hes 37, been divorced since May 2018, but was seperated 1 1/2 prior to that. We waited 8 months before I met his kids and he met my daughter after 5 months. His oldest was the one we were the most worried about not excepting me, but shes the one I bonded with the most. She talks to me about things she doesn't talk with him or her mom about. I try to do date night with all of them. Its something special that my daughter and I have always done. She has told her dad in the past that she likes the fact that I interact and spend time with her and dont stay on my phone all the time like her mom.
Now granted a lot has happened since then. Her mom is getting marriedto the man she cheated with this month. I always try to put the kids feelings first and acknowledge how they feel or what hurt they may be dealing with so I have tried to tread very lightly how I respond. I always listen to them. I never take sides( or at least try). But, one thing we have had an issue with lately is lying. His oldest has lied on several different occasions trying to cause a scene. Mostly its been lying on my daughter. And she has admitted that she is a lil jealous and afraid her daddy will love us more. I get that. Its expected. We have reassured her that will never happen that my daughter has also felt the same way and that mine and her dads heart is big enough to have enough love for all 4 of them as well as each other. She has told us that she thinks her dad is more strict on her when Im around. And I HAVE ADDRESSED THAT WITH HIM & hes gotten better and weve set boundaries. But yesterday she lies to her mom. Tells her mom I spanked her. Long story short, her mom got to the bottom and got her to admit she was lying. Her excuse was that dad is more firm with them when Im around. Her dad then told her that she will respect me, him, her mom, and her moms fiance. But, of course this has been discussed and shes been told this before as well. I feel like shes hurting from the divorce and lashing out at me because I actually listen. She says she cant talk to her mom about anything. I will not tolerate disrespect or the constant lying, but I just want to get to the root of this and be there for these babies. How do I handle this? With my Significant other and with just me?
Welcome to the site!
Well, it's a good sign that her bio mom got her to admit she's lying - this implies that at least you don't have a huge issue with the bio mom as many of us here do. But serious lying is a pain. I would maintain your own household until such time as this is no longer a big issue. This may take time, you have made a good start. Continue to set high standards of behaviour for the step kids and insist on respect and hopefully in time this problem behaviour may settle down - that's my advice.
It sounds like for the most
It sounds like for the most part DH and BM are doing a good job of keeping their daughter in check when it comes to they lying.
Have you talked to SD one on one about how her lying is making you feel? It doesn't sound like she's too horrible a kid that she wouldn't be willing to listen if you guys had a heart to heart.
'I just want to get to the
'I just want to get to the root of this'
You've got to the root of it...she's scared she won't be loved as much. And you know what, a million and one other kids probably feel the same, particularly when dad will be living full time with other kids (hence the lying directed at you daughter). But tbh, the way it's been handled so far seems spot on and the fact that SD 1) knows what the problem is, 2) is able to articulate it and c) trusts you enough to admit it is brilliant.
It sounds as if OH is supportive as well and isn't going to tolerate disrespect for any of the parents/SPs. And even BM sounds reasonable. Yes, of course the lying has got to be dealt with and needs consequences but if you all keep doing what you're doing, she will have less reason to lie once she realises that the love isn't going to go away.
Sounds as if yours is a situation which could turn out really well.