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Is love for DH enough?

christinen's picture

Quick back story for those who don't know- DH and I have been married a year and together 3 years. He has SD5 and I have no kids.

So tonight I am sitting here wondering if I am just making a huge mistake by being with DH. Don't get me wrong, I love him with all my heart, but I cannot STAND my SD. It's more DH's fault than hers because most of what I can't stand is the way I feel like I am pushed to the side whenever she is around and I totally recognize that is DH's fault- but nevertheless, the problems surround SD being here.

I guess I am just feeling like I am wasting my time. I don't have my own kids but I do want them. I have been having major hesitation over having a baby with DH. We are married, we have a house, I have a career and am financially able to support a baby.. on paper, everything seems good. But I can't get rid of these feelings that something is not right! I don't feel like this is the life I should be living sometimes.. I don't want to be a SM.

Is love for DH enough? How do you know whether you should just give up and hope you can find someone else that you love as much as you loved DH? I worry that I might never love someone as much as DH and I might miss my opportunity to have my own kids.

This SM crap is for the birds!

oncechoosetosmile's picture

Christinen, this is what I love about ST.Right now , although you are in a different situation since I have 3 kids on my own, you express exactly what and how I feel.
I don't want to be a SM to SD8 either.I just don't feel what I should feel.I also lost a bit of respect for SO being such a softie when she is here, although he is better than before.But in general she is his princess who can't do anything wrong.There are certainly worse kids than her, but she is spoiled and totally adult focus and she is a part of my family!!I don't know why it bothers me so much and why I can't be the" bigger person"but I feel that in my age (43) after giving birth to my own kids, who are now 17, 13 and 9 I saw my life being different somehow than having a person that I am not very fond of 50% off the time here.What am I waiting for ?I don't think this all will change.Sorry, Christinen, I just realise that I didn't really give you any advice since I feel the same as you.All I can say is that it is important to think about if this is what we really wanted and what we can do about it.

luchay's picture

I agree with Echo, you need to have a frank and honest discussion with your OH about how you are feeling.

Obviously the man loves you and plans to spend his life with you, you need to talk to him and see if you can make him understand what YOU need in order to make things work.

Wishing you all the best in working this out.

HarleyQuinn's picture

I could have writtent his myself right now, thats crazy!! but like 'oncechoosetosmile' said, alot of us go through the same things which is comforting to know we are not alone even though we feel like it at home.
#Big Higs#
I am a childless SM to 2sk'd but want my own child.In all honesty love is never enough to stay in a position like this, howver fear and determination are heavy factors in staying.I dont have any advice for you, as I am too in the sam eposition and weighing up whether my life would be better with DH or if I was alone : (

housemaid's picture

I have been asking myself this for years too. All said, if I had known at the start just how much pain and hurt Skids cause, I would have walked away then. We all want to be totally happy but unfortunately with Skids that and even 60/40 happiness seems non existent . I expected to have to work hard to make it work but you can only keep hitting your head against a brick wall for so long. I hope things improve for you but I guess only you know how much you can tolerate. Think long and hard before you decide but dont count on that light at the end of the tunnel coming when they are 18yrs. Good luck and big hugs to you!

Carley's picture

" It's more DH's fault than hers because most of what I can't stand is the way I feel like I am pushed to the side whenever she is around and I totally recognize that is DH's fault "

Many times it's the Dad's fault but the SM is to blame or the SK or the BM.
Take a long hard look and consider the source = the Dad = Mr. King Shit Asshole running this show.

sterlingsilver's picture

I have 3 of my own and then 3 steps. My two youngest steps have lived with us, ss16 full time for 4 yrs and ss19 was with us for a yr and a half. I have days when I feel like why do I want to raise those brats anyhow, I just want my kids to myself and I want my HOME LIFE back. I feel like my ss16, my sdog and dh have taken over the house in the sloppiness and smells. Right now ss16 is having major attitude issues and I ask myself often, why do I have to deal with this. I raised a disabled daughter, wasn't that enough for one life time? Why do I have to have skids thrown into my already over filled life? I totally get your feelings. I sometimes look at ss16 and KNOW that I will never have one iota of a sweet loving feeling for this kid. He is one of the most unlovable kids I have known. He wears an invisible armor around him I cannot penetrate. If I were able I'd get out too but now DH has cancer. If you are able it only takes one decision to find your own place, then take time to find a nice man without kids to make a life with. You can love someone else too. I thought the same things about my ex for awhile, now I realize it's easy to love again and after that initial love, no other love is the same b/c slowly inside you begin to build a callus, especially is you've been betrayed, which I have. Good luck and you won't know that answer until you make the move!

butterflybloom's picture

its such a turn off when you see dh being a softy when it comes to sd. My husband has never been the affectionate type, it was his sd that was. He finally got the point that he needs to put me first, i'm his wife...not her. Sometimes I think thi happens because usually dh feels guilty about the divorce and want to make it up some way or another. However they are too blind to see that they are pushing there wife aside..

I don't have any children with my dh..we have come to the conclusiont that between my dd and his skids is enough! and to tell you the truth...i don't think he could handle me hving a baby...i think i would throw him to the curb, we talk about this, and i ask him.."do you think you'll be jealous if you didn't have me all to your self" his answer...YES!!! i think i would be...and this is with the idea of having a child both ours. So i imagine its normal to feel jealous with or without kids being your own or not.

christinen's picture

Thank you all for your responses! At least I am not alone in this, even though I do feel that way when I am home because I have no one to talk to. None of my friends are stepparents. No one understands how I feel. When I do try to explain it, they act like I'm crazy.

I have talked to DH many times about how I feel. We have even went to counseling (we only went twice, but we tried). I have tried being nice and patient. I have tried yelling and giving ultimatums. I tried writing him a letter so that my feeligs were on paper instead of me trying to verbally explain. I have tried everything I can possibly think of.

I just don't want SD around. I know it's not her fault and she's not that bad of a kid (she's a spoiled brat, but it's not her fault she was raised that way). It's just that her presence changes everything so much and I hate it. I try not to take it out on her because she's just a kid and none of this is her fault, but it's hard. Things are normally good when she's not around. If DH had every other weekend, I think I could suck it up and deal but we have her 50/50 so she's with us every other week for the full week. I try to stay away but there's only so many places I can go and so many things I can do.

Sometimes even when she isn't with us, I am still angry just thinking about what happened the previous week she was here or angry about her coming back next week. I don't know if I can deal with this. I wish I could be with a childless man.

OptimisticMe's picture

I wondered the same thing many times. I met SD when she was three, married her dad when she was 5 and her mom abandoned her when she was 5. She is now 13, I raised her 8 years and will never allow her in my house again (she lives with inlaws since last fall).

My DH went from denial of SD having a problem (he thought I was just too hard on her) to finally seeing she has issues and I am not out of line to protect myself and our other kids from her. He is a big reason SD is as bad as she is...she has RAD and he doesn't see her manipulations until it is too late and he cannot manage to provide the structure she needs. But now he supports me... SD will never be allowed back in my home because I refuse to handle her alone and he won't handle her. But he accepts that now.

I guess what I am trying to say is some DH's "see the light" eventually. It took my DH 8 years to fully see the light...and quite honestly, had I known the last 8 years of my life would have sucked so terribly, I never would have married him to begin with.

christinen's picture

Wow. Yeah, if I had known then what I know now, I never would marry my DH either. I don't think it's worth it. I should have found a childless, drama-free man to start my own family with. I know that now. But I did marry him, and it's so hard making the decision whether to a) stay and basically suffer, or b) leave the man I love.

housemaid's picture

It is a catch 22 because if you leave the man you love you will always wonder, what if.......but if you stay and he eventually puts you first you will probably have built up so much resentment by then that it won't matter anyhow. You will be over it and him!

emotionaly beat up's picture

Please do not dismiss your feelings. Your intuition is telling you something here. You really must listen. Do not allow the worry that you may never meet someone again that you love as much as DH be a factor in your decision. It is quite possible tge opposite may be true. You may find someone you love even more than DH. If your gut is telling you something. LISTEN.

Notwhatiexpected's picture

I know how you feel. I'm thinking about leaving too. I can't even be 50% happy each day because of SD. She a child, so she always needs something. In my mind I'm thinking, "I don't want to do anything extra from what I did prior to marriage." I know that's bad. But I don't want to have to pay for anything extra she (she's 12 years old) needs, like daycare ($320. month), stuff for school, etc. I know as a household, we are all paying for it anyway, but still. I don't comb hair, I won't drive to second chance (program for kids who need to make up homework, she's been 8 times), and won't allow her to have friends stay all night (why have another kid to watch when she can't behave herself), basically I guess I've disengaged. I just don't want to do anything extra (that I wouldn't do for myself), unless it's for my husband. I would if she wouldn't be dishonest. She lied about bullying a boy at church. She's 12. The boy didn't like her so she pushed him, said his face was ugly, talked about his clothes and other things. We found out about it from another child and she denied it all. Eventually the pastor became involved and all the adults and children met about it. She eventually told the truth. I told hubby that if it doesn't involve something at home, then he can handle whatever comes up with his daughter. She's lied to my face about so much, I don't know if she's being honest or not. She even told her father (when he asked) that's she's lied to me "about 20 times." She is honestly vary rarely truthful and will tell you that she's not honest because she is avoiding punishment (which is what most kids do I guess, but not as frequently hopefully). I just can't take living like that. No peace, no harmony. Makes me not want to go home at night from work. Makes me not want to be intimate with my spouse, because I resent him because of how his daughter acts. I know it's not him actually making her behave that way, but for some reason I resent him for it. I'll be praying for your strength and decision making too, and also for myself.

asheeha's picture

one year into our marriage i felt the EXACT same way. so far it's been the hardest point. (only 2 years in now) i made my feelings clear. i told him what i needed and what i would do if i felt like my needs (need to feel included and important) were not met. basically, i would go and do my own thing for awhile. hang out with friends. not how i pictured being married, going off alone, but feeling like a second class citizen with my husband was worse.

my husband listens and tries to change. so this helps. if yours doesn't care then i don't know what to tell you. i know in my heart that i will never find a better man than him. i will find men with far less baggage but not better.