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Looking for someone who can relate...

mgnbrt824's picture

My SS is 6 yo. His dad and I have been together since he was 3, married for the last year. My husband has always been the primary caregiver, has primary placement of SS. BM is a mess - has a 9 yo who has no contact with that BD, has had legal trouble, CPS cases popping up every so often. The last two years, BM was basically couch surfing, living with families in exchange for care of elderly family members and would end up dating a male relative of the family (she is otherwise perpetually unemployed). SS would visit BM and half brother every other weekend and Wednesdays after school for dinner (since custody is joint with primary placement to my husband, she agreed to the visitation schedule to avoid going back to court). We always keep a close eye on things and she would often say she was unable to take SS anyways due to various excuses.

It should be noted that my husband and I have great jobs, SS is sweet, kind, excelling in school, and that  MIL is an attorney who guides us through the legal ins and outs of custody. We live in a very rural depressed area and unfortunately BM’s parenting is status quo for the demographics. My husband is from the area and we have stayed local to facilitate SS’s relationship with BM and half brother. SS loves BM very much - of course he should, they are a part of each other! But he tells us everything that happens when he is with her and my husband is quick to address situations with her that are brought to our attention as potential poor parenting. Things came to a head last spring when she was reported to CPS (not the first time and did come back unfounded) - we were advised to keep SS from visits until the matter was resolved and this did cause some tension. In September, just after kindergarten started for SS (BM did not attend first day), BM notified my husband that due to conflict with her newest boyfriend’s family, she was leaving the area to focus on school and would be living with her mother states away. SS was devastated - confused, angry, sad. 

It has been 9 months since this happened; BM reaches out monthly and on holidays (was biweekly initially but has decreased since she visited at Christmas). The only time we have issues with SS is the day after a call from BM - mouthy, attitude, what I would venture to say is normal for most 6 year olds but very out of character for our sweet boy. We’ve also found out that 9 months ago she dropped her 9yo off with her mom in another state and went to work on the road with the boyfriend whose family caused enough strife for her to run instead of focusing on school and herself. Here’s the kicker - they’re now engaged and expecting a baby this summer. She says they are moving back to be near boyfriend’s family but we are skeptical - her follow through is not the best. SS is confused about the situation entirely, heartbroken that a new baby is coming. 

Has anyone been in a situation similar? Ours is unique to begin with (dad with primary placement), but we have no friends who can relate to our family unit - we’re mostly met with shock and awe when we explain the situation. Would love to hear some thoughts...

CLove's picture

I dont have any other ways of relating except as a step parent with a really horrid bio mother. We are all older, so no additonal children. Toxic Troll would rather facilitate additional illnesses for her mini-me Toxic Feral Eldest than take her youngest to an eye doctor. She also doent work, and treats Munchkin SD12 like a Bff - telling her everything. All kind of great details about her boyfriends, lovers...etc.

Many times I have held Munchkin while she sobs hard over something her mother has done or not done. Watched as she sulks over being neglected by her mother. For a long time I thought it was my duty to fill in. Now just recently I am realizing that I need to take a step back. The mother can be an abusive drug addict jrk, and the child will still love them completely and utterly.

simifan's picture

Just because you have a uterus doesn't make you a good mom or decent human being. My SD's mom up and left here here at 9 because "I have a life to live too and can't be held to your schedule [ya know, that thing called a court order]." 

One of the things us Stepmom's all learn the hard way, Skids will always run back to the crappy parent. SD did at 19. She's 24 now. Even though mom kicked her out, i'm the evil step monster who wanted her to make something out of her life. Don't take it too hard when it happens to you.