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Looking for other SM/ SD's who had an additional baby together?

Butterflykissesandlicks's picture

I am pregnant :O and am wondering what it was like after you and your SO had an additional baby together. What happens to the psycho ex-wife when she finds out? How do younger SK's act when you have a baby together? Did you get the same "Joy and Excitement" with this new addition as your SO's 1st baby did? What is it like having a complex family like this?

We have: SD6- BD19- and one on the way who will be related by blood to "both." How do you explain this to a baby after they are born and get older and start to "ask" questions? I'm not worried about BD19 as she is excited. SD6 I am worried about, along with her psycho mom. Big time. The kid requires 24/7 attention by daddy...and hits the animals when dad turns his back. Um. The baby???

How did your IL's treat the pregnancy? ( mine do not know (yet) and will probably care less as SD6 is the golden child 4ever.)

I'm also trying to hide this pregnancy as long as possible from SD6 because she will run and tell her mom who will start God knows what when finding out about this baby. ( BM never "moved on" as they say.)

I'm sorry for all of the questions. I am just seeking out experience from others here that have or are going through this.

Thanks in advance for sharing!

Butterflykissesandlicks's picture


Thank you for sharing! I agree. Every child is different. As is every marriage.

I could care less for the IL's too. They are what they are. Whatever. Their loss on a child that I can see as both " talented and beautiful." I have been sick of them already for two years. I do not even answer their phone calls and give it to DH to "handle." All they do is ask about their poor "victim" of a grandaughter who is no victim. I was a child of divorce too but had zero leverage to be a full blown brat.

To each is on as they say.

As far as the ex-wife, it is just that she has a history of causing trouble although DH has told me that he would KILL her before she upset me during this pregnancy. I think he was kidding.

Love_My_Kids's picture

Oh my goodness I can relate! I am due in May and when my SO ex found out she FLIPPED OUT...she has gone so far as to get a restraining order against me so I cannot even be in the house when her daughter is over for visits. All because I have emailed her and facebook messaged her. She is a physco path and manipulating their daughter (age 4) into hating me. My SO puts his daughter first and is not excited about our baby Sad His family and my family are not excited either.

im_trying_my_best's picture

what? your man is NOT excited about the baby? and wait...YOU have to leave your own freakin house so a little brat can come over? no way! no way! you need to put ur foot down now. so are u supposed to take the newborn outta your house and leave too on the weekends? screw that

Butterflykissesandlicks's picture


What are you going to do? I gather that you are keeping the baby by your due date?

I'm surfing the net today reading other stories and it is getting " not so good" looking by the second.

This was a major accident. Putting aside all religous beliefs, I can't make up my mind. This baby is just not getting the same " Thank you God!" treatment as his beloved daughter and mom did. That pisses me off. On top of it, I had plans to go back to college to gain another MS next fall...

I do NOT like the thought of having a baby with a man who can't move farther than 50 miles away from his ex-wife. Sorry, but having a baby should come with freedoms. DH only sees her EOWeekend (?)
and I do not understand the big deal on having to live just around the block from such a psycho ex.

I asked DH about "feeling guilty" about this baby and the fact that SD6 is not here with us full time and he claims that he would not "feel" that way. Sorry, this mama has a few years on her and has seen a lot. I love SD6 naturally but do not trust her around a baby for obvious reasons. My mom thinks I should have an abortion early before I dig my own grave for both a baby and myself possibly one day and am in ruins. Lovely thought, eh?

I REALLLY do understand that there are indeed other women out there who would love to be in my shoes but they probably have different situations than myself. You see, we do not own anything. DH is in major debt over several things with his ex-wife and who in the world thinks it is fair to bring a baby into that type of situation? We barely make the lease and pay our other bills, how can we pay for an additional child? I believe in being able to take care of the children you bring into the world. I am not going to lie here.

Here's one for you...SD6 only calls me by first name (fine by me) but when this baby would start talking, I don't need to hear my own child calling me by my first name. Then there is the "holiday issues." I'm tired of putting off the real dates for the days on which SD6 is here with us. I refuse to do that with this baby. This baby deserves to celebrate on the same date as any other child does and not wait on his/ her half-sibling to show up.

Can you imagine telling your child, "Sorry, but we are going to have to wait to have Christmas this weekend when blah blah decides to show up." No way.

Why should this baby be 2nd to another in all of the ways mentioned? I don't even put my own BD19 before DH or even a new addition.

This just seems way too bizarre to me in my heart and I do not feel secure about this pregnancy.

Don't shoot me on here for being honest please?

DH's family did not want us to ever have a baby because it might, "Upset SD6..." Give me a break!

As you can tell, I am quite confused and perplexed about this situation.

im_trying_my_best's picture

Oh, didnt anyone tell you that your child together just isnt as important as it didnt come first??? The birth order is everything here! that "first kid" gets 20% of your income, but will it be downward modified to make up for your new child? nope! first comes first.

*end of sarcastic rant

its stupid, i know, i am dealing with all of this myself, im due in december. ill just make it where the little brat cant come here at all before i ever lose my child or the important things for its childhood though. id rather have my hubby mad at me and pouting over a little snot taht may or may not even be his, then have our real child miss out on anything. hope it works out.

Tx mommy of 3's picture

Well dh and I have THREE together. The 1st time bm found out she was nice. The second kid she was mad because it meant her cs would go down more. The 3rd she found out about on accident and cs went down again. Other than cs going down, there are no reasons for her to be upset with us havinnkids. They were never married and she is married now with a kid of their own.

Ss was excited about dd when she was born. Not so much about ds. He is extremely jealous of ds despite there being a 9 year age difference between them. Ss is distant with the our baby now. Not jealous, not excited, just nothing. My inlaws have been excited about all 3 kiddos. Mostly because they rarely see ss and they see our kids more.

Even though ss has his visitation schedule, it is 3 vs 1 here. So we don't live our lives around ss schedule. If he's here at Christmas or not doesn't matter. We do Christmas on Christmas day same every year. We have thanksgiving dinner ON TG, if ss is here or not. Ss calls me by m first name too. My kids don't. And when he talks to them he'll say something like, "dd, give this to mommy" or "mommy is calling you" instead of "txmommy is calling you". Our kids are 5, 4 and 8mths. The older 2 know that their daddy is also ss dad and that ss lives with his mommy. That's all they need to know now. As they get older I'm sure they'll ask questions and we'll answer them.

I understand your worries. Have you talked to dh about them?

TheWickedStepmom's picture

DH and I each brought 2 children to the marriage and then we had 1 dd together. DH was the ONLY person whose reaction upset me. He is 15 years my senior and was 42 when dd was born. His concern was his age and not the kids and certainly not the ex wife. Personally, who gives a shit what she thinks? But she did make some rude remarks about not only me being pregnant, but also about our age difference. She was obviously jealous because she would say crap to him about robbing the cradle. I thought it was pretty funny myself. But anyway...

All 4 kids lived with us full time so we went into our marriage with the whole attitude that there were no "steps" we were just a family. My kids called dh "dad" because they were younger, but my sk's called me by my first name. Our dd always called me mama/mommy, etc. I never worried about the sk's with the baby, but do admit that there were times I had to control my own jealousy to see sd with her... and for no reason that I could really sit here and explain to you. I'm not even sure why. When she was 9 months old, the sk's had to go back to their BM 2500 miles away by court order. They didn't come back until she was almost 3. When they came back they were older (15 and 12) and didn't really want much to do with her. Now that they are grown and dd is 10, they REALLY don't want anything to do with her. SS pushes her away when she tries to hug him. SD used to come over here and get her to spend the night sometimes and then I found out that she would put my dd10 in the bedroom with sd's baby for dd to "babysit" while she would sit out in the living room on her fat ass with her friends watching "teen mom" and "jersey shore" (another reason why I disengaged not only myself but my kids).

I didn't have in-laws to worry about because they passed away before I met dh, but he did have sisters. They weren't real happy about it but they were supportive and of course they now adore dd10. But I have been blessed with some fantastic sil's. They are completely aware of the BS that sk's pull, don't agree with any of it, and in fact, they fault dh (their brother) for not making sk's more accountable when they were growing up. And my parents weren't happy about the pregnancy because I already had 2 kids and they thought that was enough, but I knew I wanted 1 more. And of course, they love(d) her as much as any of the other kids.

I know it's hard when you are just starting to go through it and you are facing all of the uncertainty, but honestly ladies, I would not trade my dd10 for anything in the world. DH does treat her differently than he does sk's, but I make up for that hands down and she knows it. Wink She is a total mama's girl... both of my girls are.

My suggestion to you is, quit worrying about the BM and her reaction. Whatever reaction she has is going to come from jealousy anyway so it's not that important. The ex usually doesn't have any kind of contact with your child so it's kind of moot really and you are worrying yourself over nothing. And as far as the sk's go, dh is going to have to learn to watch his kids around the baby. And if he won't, then don't you be afraid to! Your responsibility lies in protecting your child... period.

Good luck...

hismineandours's picture

I have two bios, my dh has one with bm, and then we have one together. We have lots of issues (surrounding ss) however the addition of our child was never a problem. The kids were 5, 4, and 3 when she was born so they dont really have any memories of any other families or time without her. BM was cool with it as she got pregnant shortly after I did. When kids were younger-ss did come home from time to time and say things like my bios werent his real sibling (as they are only steps and not half).

My inlaws have been notorious for favoring ss in the past, although not so much for the last few years. I have always been a bit bitter that they favored him over our dd who of course is also their bio grandchild. Now they dont really spend too much time with any of us so whatever. They didnt get any of the kids birthday or xmas gifts this year so at least they are all being treated the same.

I have always felt the youngest made our family complete. She wasnt planned either-but a honeymoon souvenir-for some reason that makes her even more special to know that a higher power felt we needed this child even before we realize it Smile

12yrstepmonster's picture

We have SD19, SS14, DD18 and DD11 together.

DH was excited about our pregnancy, and sees DD11 as his only chance of raising a child and having an impact into a child's life.

DH called EX, I do not remember her reaction nor did I care. We gave her the common courtesy to tell her so she had time to adjust before the skids told her.

SD was upset because we didn't allow skids to come to the hospital after delivery. BM thought they should be there right after delivery regardless of what time it was. Personally I didn't want anyone there. My DD did not come either- but that didn't matter we were horrible for keeping her away from her little half sister.

As for holiday's. Holidays were celebrated when SKids were with us until about 4/5 years ago. DD was about 6/7 and SS no longer believed so I said Santa comes on Christmas day - DD's parents aren't divorced. So if you wake up on Christmas morning Santa will come here, if not you get gifts from DH and I.

My DD's see each other as sisters. There is no half- his kids see DD as their HALF sister.

His family has treated both my DD's as "non blood" relatives. MIL has birthday celebrations for both DH's children and DH and it's only the three of them that are there. THey/she never called us to say why don't you come this day. Whatever.... The only reason his kids help her out is they get paid. MY kids though go help their grandmother (my mother) and NEVER receive payment.

My family was excited about our pregnancy.

truebloodfreak's picture

my SO has 2 boys --8 and 13. our baby is 10 months. but my skids live with us full time ad only see bm maybe once a year. i had some of the same concerns as you. older SS calls me by. my first and younger SS calls me both mom and my name. both my skids look nothing like my son. so its obvious that they have different moms.but the age difference is so big that older SS will be doing his own thin when our baby is growing up. your bbu will call u mom. its natural my son already says momma and knows me as mom. not my name. don't worry about that one Smile younger SS was jealous of baby at first because he was being destructive with things at our house,- writing on baby shoes with pen, scratching into TV stand, breaktng things but now he shows a lot of love towards his little brother. my son always smile when he sees his brothers. most kids wont be mean to a baby because a baby is harmless and shows love.just enforce to your SD that she is a big sister and someone looks up to her. try saying things like "your sister or brother " rather than my baby" its shows that that your SD and baby are siblings. its very difficult not to love a baby so I'm sure yyoursd and in-laws will come to their senses once baby is here. as far as the ex/bm--++-- screw her this is your life! don't let her stress you when you're pregnant