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This is a long one, but someone please read and help me!

scopl2013's picture

I have been with my boyfriend for over 5 years now, he has an 8 year old son as well. I have been in the sons life ever since he was 2 and his son thinks I have been there since the day he was born, so we are actually very close. I have seen him grow up most of his life basically. My boyfriend lives with his parents still, they have a 2 story home with a furnished basement that even has its own entrance. The downstairs has a kitchen, bathroom, living room, and 2 bed rooms. Basically it's almost as if he doesn't live with his parents. I never spent the night until his son was 3, and I only spent the night while his son was visiting his mother. We eventually went through a nasty court battle with the boys mother and we won because she has major drinking issues and has moved in with several guys and is unstable. This was hard on me since it was only about a year into our 5 year relationship. I supported my boyfriend and his family during all of this. The only reason we don't live together today and we are both with our parents is because we are going to school and earning our degrees at the moment and with a child in the picture moving out and trying to support everyone just seemed impossible at the time. Right now we are able to plan and focus on our future with support from our families. I won't lie it has been hard since its pushing 6 years and we aren't even engaged or living together, but we have a plan are we are in a stable relationship.

His son and I took it slow, I got to know him at a very slow pace to ensure he felt secure that his father wasn't going to leave him or anything like that. I would spend time with the both of them together out of the home setting such as meeting at a park or taking him to a movie. It wasn't until almost 2 1/2 years into our relationship that I started spending the night while the child was here with us. At this time the court issue was settled and the child was with us permanently now, only visiting his mother every other weekend, before that me and my boyfriend had more time together to get to know each other and grow our relationship. At first my boyfriend use to let his son sleep in his bed and I would just go home at the end of the night and sleep at my house. Finally I mentioned something about his son being 4 years old and needing to be his own bed every night, despite situations such as night mares or wetting the bed, of course he was welcomed but I was uncomfortable and would go to the couch. He agreed but he never did anything about it. I eventually became upset overtime because we 3 couldn't even fit into a bed together (my boyfriend and I are not small people lol ) At this time we also had a queen bed so it was very difficult. Eventually my boyfriend’s parents who are devoted Christians had a sit down conversation with us about sleeping in the same bed before marriage. They asked that I do not sleep with my boyfriend anymore because it will cause confusion in the child's life. Obviously this was difficult, my boyfriend and I are an intimate couple and we do enjoy sleeping together in the same bed, which I personally didn't think was a big deal. But I had to respect his parent’s rules because it is there house after all. So, for about 5 months straight I just went home instead of staying the night, sometimes I would stay and I always slept on the couch. I eventually got sick of it and I felt as if it was ridiculous that we, as adults, had to do this. I know it's under there roof but they always told my boyfriend that the downstairs was his and he could do as he pleases so he felt more independent rather than a leach living off his parents.

We eventually ended up sleeping in the same bed together and no one really fought about it anymore. He felt as if it was no big deal and told me his parents won’t care they were just trying to do what they felt was best. Finally we purchased a king size bed and were more comfortable but this created problems, his son started sleeping with us almost every night because now we had room. I kept telling my boyfriend and his parents that this wasn’t right but they insisted it was no big deal and to let him sleep with us because it was his security blanket. I got very angry and annoyed with my boyfriend and his parents over this and I kept asking myself “why do you even care if he sleeps in the same bed?” and it turns out that that is the only alone time I have with my boyfriend pretty much and I enjoy just lying there and talking while we doze off to sleep. Finally things got a little better, we would let him fall asleep in there before we went to bed and then my boyfriend would carry him to his room. Well this worked except he would come back into our room at some point in the middle of the night, so basically it was pointless.
As time went on this became the norm. He would either fall asleep in our bed and we would take him to his room or he would just fall asleep in his bed or sometimes even upstairs and we would take him to his room. Eventually when he turned 7 my boyfriend and I agreed enough is enough, and we would make him sleep in his bed every night, and if he came into our room my boyfriend would take him back, BUT this was only if my boyfriend was in the mood to get up and do it in the middle of the night, most of the night he wasn’t. I grew very upset of all this as of lately and in the past year I have noticed some very unusual behavior from his son. We put him to sleep in his bed and sometimes he would ask why do I have to sleep in here, why can’t I sleep with you? (Asking his dad this ) His father would just tell him that’s because big boys sleep in their own bed and you’re a big boy! He still comes into our room sometimes but not as much. But lately he has been standing outside of our room in the dark with his smart phone ( it’s just an old one we let him play with, its not on a contract) and he would video tape us for sometimes even an hour, he does this because he thinks we are having sex or talking bad about him. First of all, we NEVER have sex while he is here, only on the weekends he is with his mother, and sometimes we do lay in bed and just talk about random crap, like his grades, or what we should do this weekend for fun etc. It’s very unnerving that he does this in the middle of the night. Now my boyfriend’s mother is a whole different story, she is very weird about my boyfriend and his son, she doesn’t want my boyfriend to move in with me every, she likes them living there so she can control their every move and it frightens me. My boyfriend knows she is like this and he acts like he doesn’t care but he gives in to her way to much. We are both pushing 30 and he needs to come to me and talk to me about our lives not her. He constantly asks for her advice in everything he does and talks to me last, which makes me feel like the last priority.

I could go on and on about my boyfriend’s mother but I will save that for another day. My main reason for this post is because my boyfriend’s son sometimes doesn’t want me around. We just went on a 4 day vacation with my boyfriend, his son, and my boyfriend’s parents and while on this trip my boyfriend and I shared a room, and my boyfriend’s parents shared a room with my boyfriend’s son and his niece and nephew, we were in a condo. Well apparently on of the nights my boyfriend’s son stayed up late with his grandma. (my boyfriend’s mom) and they talked, and his tried doing the same thing with the phone outside our room, and she asked him why he was doing that, and he said because I know what they are doing!! They are having sex grandma! Which, by the way, is totally false lol, we had our door open by about a foot and we were passed out snoring. He then told his grandma that he wished I wasn’t there and that it was just him and daddy and everyone else. She told me all of this and I just told her that the only reason he does this weird thing with the phone his because his mother and her new boyfriend bang all the time and he has seen it and heard it before, because he has told us. They even locked themselves in their bathroom one time and left him alone in the living room while they banged and he heard it all. So I get it, he thinks we are doing the same thing, but we are not. Basically he doesn’t understand why I get to sleep in the same bed as his father but he can’t.

I understand how that might feel but he knows what a boyfriend and girlfriend are, he sees his grandparents sleeping in the same bed and he doesn’t understand marriage either. My boyfriend’s mother has told me the same thing that he thinks his father gives me all the attention and he doesn’t get any, just because I sleep in the bed with his father and he doesn’t. He has told me before in the past when I have had to discipline him that I am not his mother, and I don’t live here and I need to stop coming out to their house so much and all this crap. But then he turns around and begs me not to leave, and asks why I don’t stay the night anymore, and he can be a total sweetie and we can have this great bond. I just don’t understand where the hate comes from and the jealousy he has. That child has more security between his father and his family than any kid I know. Why would he feel this way, he is paranoid most of the time too. There has been days where I wonder if I can even handle this relationship anymore because the child can be such a pain in the ass! I also suffer from sometimes wishing he wasn’t around, I know that sounds horrible but I’m sure every step parent has wondered that. I love the time I get alone with my boyfriend and yes, I do wish it was every day like that but the reality is it will never be like that.

There are days where I feel nothing but hatred for his son, and I can’t find it in myself to feel sympathy for him and know that his antics are all related to his mother being a P.O.S and that it is not his fault he is in this world. I see my boyfriend give him all this attention and then I get nothing most of the time, it has been 5 years and he still hasn’t said I love you to my face, just via text. So it hurts to hear him say it to his son every 5 minutes. Sometimes I feel like I am just here to do his sons laundry and be there maid. Someone please help me understand what I am going through and how to deal with this!!!

BethAnne's picture

1. Close your bedroom door.

2.Take the phone away. If you really want, just take it away at night. Tell him that recording people without them knowing or without asking them is wrong.

3. When one of you sees that he is up and out of bed he is put straight back to bed. Then there are consequences the next day (no cartoons, or phone, or something or other that will be effective for him). Tell him all of this before hand so he knows he needs to stay in his bed.

4. I wouldn't worry too much about what grandma says, it sounds like she could have an ulterior motive herself and might have either mis-remembered her conversation with SS or led him to say that he didn't want you around. Judge your relationship with SS on the relationship you have with him, not others gossip.

5. As for your SS wanting more attention from dad. Does SS still sleep in the bed with his dad when you aren't there??
If so then obviously that needs to stop too. Then I would just make sure that your boyfriend remembers to give your SS appropriate physical contact during the day, hugs, kisses, sitting next to each other (you should be getting some of these too). Do the two of them get time to do things together or is it always the 3 of you? Perhaps he and his dad can find some boy time to bond. Beware of these suggestions though, you shouldn't be fully sacrificing yourself so that he can be a dad to his son. They need some 1 on 1 time just as you do.

6. Beware of lies and manipulations coming from BM's house. BM could be saying things about you that get embedded into your SS's brain and be causing some of his jealousy.

7. I presume this has already happened but was ineffective, but your boyfriend needs to tell BM that having sex in front of or in ear shot of her son is totally inappropriate and needs to stop. SS should barely know what sex is let alone be witness to it. (Though he'll be confused when he is older if he thinks couples snore during sex!).

8. Start saving to move out of his parents place.

And a final note is to say that it is OK to have sex while children are in the house. You just have to be discreet and find the right time. So if SS is occupied with cartoons/games console then you two can have a quiet quickie in the bedroom. When he goes to sleep and is snoring away, go and enjoy yourselves behind the closed door of your bedroom (you might want to investing a lock in case his stalker ways get creepier). Of course your sex life is your own and none of my business, but most relationships improve with more sex, so go on and enjoy yourselves. Having sex two weekends a month shouldn't be the way to live your 20's when you aren't in a long distance relationship.

notsurehowtodeal's picture

I get kind of a creepy vibe off both the kid and the parents. If the basement is truly like a separate apartment, how do the Mother and Father know so much about your sex life and where you are sleeping? There seems to be a bit of a preoccupation on everyone's part as to who is sleeping where and why.

And it is not normal at all for an 8 year old to tape you while you are sleeping. That is weird as hell. First thing you need to do is put a lock on the bedroom door and make sure it is locked at night.

The fact that boyfriend's Mom doesn't want him to move out and is controlling should be a huge red flag - especially since there is no indication he is in a rush to move out.

You need to draw some clear boundaries for both the kid and the parents. If boyfriend can't get his own place soon, you might need to back off until that happens.

scopl2013's picture

Thank you for your reply, and yes it is creepy as hell lol We do lock the door sometimes to have an intimate moment but only for a small period of time and only when he is in deep sleep, but unfortunately we cannot sleep with the door shut or locked all night because my boyfriends parents freak out if Aiden goes up to there room and says he cant get into ours, sometimes he gets up in the middle of the night and my boyfriend thinks we need to keep the door open all night so he can come in there, and I said that I understand that he needs to feel secure but my boyfriends needs to put him right back into his bed but he doesnt half the time. Its uncomfortable for me too!

twoviewpoints's picture

With you both pushing 30, just when are all these 'future' plans you're busy focusing on going to start actually begin to occur? After five years you're not engaged, no move out date on a calendar and the guy has yet to spit the words 'I love you' out loud and to your face. Your vacation was even with his parents... the two of you are like teenagers with priority of who gets to sleep together in which bed. Just seems like a strange relationship for two people pushing 30.

You didn't say, but I'm going to assume this SS8, when not in school, spends the majority of his waking hours upstairs being babysat by the busybody grandmother? *sigh*

So why is this child allowed to lurk around the hallway outside the bedroom door for an hour in the middle of the night? What does your BF say and do about the video taping? I can see why this would disturb your sleep and creep you out, but I didn't read about how it is being handled or why the kid has this device.

scopl2013's picture

Thank you, I appreciate your reply! My boyfriend gave his son an old smart phone that isn't on a contract just because he likes to carry one around and watch netflix and play games, but he also likes to use the video camera, and we have caught him outside of our bedroom door in the dark taping us and it is extremely weird! So far my boyfriend isn't really doing anything about it, hes just to lazy sometimes to even discipline, and its sad!

still learning's picture

You are the last priority in your bf's life and always will be. If you are alright with this then by all means continue doing what you're doing. If you want more for yourself, like building an actual future then make some changes now. Plenty of fish in the sea chickie.

AllySkoo's picture

There's just so much wrong here that I just can't even.

I know this seems normal to you. I get it. It's really NOT though. You can do SO much better than this, I promise!!! Seriously, look around, see what's out there. You don't have to completely break up with your BF (I know how hard that would be) but I do think you NEED to explore other options before you commit to this guy. You need to see how much better it can be.

frustratedstepdad's picture

You two need your own place.

Stop spending the night over there and start looking for other guys to date. Your boyfriend sounds like he will be living with his parents till he's 40.

PolyMom's picture seems every other generation is more interested in a sex life you are barely having....and how in the hell does this kid even know what sex is? I mean, really? Gross. Ick. Just. Ick.