Lonely
Forums:
I didn't realize how lonely it can be being a SM and feeling like you don't have a family with your husband and SD. I have been with my husband my SD's entire life but over the last few months it has become a more and more lonely feeling. She's almost 7 now and when people accidentally address her as my daughter she snaps back with "she's just my step mom". It's obviously a true statement and she isn't saying it to be harmful to me but being a childless SM, it hurts like a hundred daggers to the heart.
my question is, does anyone feel lonley being a SP, like they don't belong in the family they gained from marriage?
Yes it does
It's like you were added to story. Boy meets girl , boy married girl, they have a child. Them rewritte , remove girl, inserts new girl. Then let's go on with the story.
Its like you don't have a story of your own,
Yes! I feel so out of place
Yes! I feel so out of place at times. I have known my husband for over 15 years so you would think it would make me feel more at home but it doesn't! He tries to make me feel better by telling me we are family but it's not the same.
It isn't the same because it
It isn't the same because it's not. That is something these divorce parents will never understand. Plus stepkids and an ex are always drama.
'..when people accidentally
'..when people accidentally address her as my daughter she snaps back with "she's just my step mom".
That's rude and your husband should firmly be correcting her behaviour.
'She's my step mom'... True statement and not offensive.
'She's just my step mom'... Dismissive of your input into her life and disespectful.
My husband did correct her
My husband did correct her behavior right in the moment which I was very appreciative of!
it doesn't happen often but when it does I have to remind myself she doesn't mean it maliciously and I let her know people will make the mistake and it's ok. It's not mean to her mother bc they don't know and we can nicely let them know I'm her step.
She's 7. She isn't trying to
She's 7. She isn't trying to hurt the OP, she's simply stating a fact. What the child is doing is no different than what many adults here when they are put in the same situation.
Ehhh... I don't know about
Ehhh... I don't know about this. Maybe this 7 year old isn't trying to hurt her SM's feelings but plenty of 7 yr olds do. It's not out of the norm for a 7 yr old to be rude knowingly. Children around this age know what is good behavior and what is rude at least 80% of the time, and if OP's DH has already corrected this kid, then the kid definitely knows the way she's saying it is rude.
Is her Bm in her life? She
Is her Bm in her life? She may be saying that because of input from BM. Either way, she could just tell people that you are her SM without the attitude. I agree your DH should address that with her. The truth is that it is such an awkward moment when people make that mistake. My SD13 and I don't correct people when they assume we are mother/daughter. It just makes the conversation awkward. She doesn't call me mom so only strangers make the mistake.
Yes, her mother is very
Yes, her mother is very active in her life but her mother is also not a very nice person and has hated me from day one for no reason other than my husband and I are together and have had a successful relationship for the last 7 years....probably due to the fact that we have known each for so long and have history where as the two of them only knew and dated briefly. Idk honestly but that's what I can infer based on her comments and behavior to me.
Yes! I feel like that every
Yes! I feel like that every single day....even though dh and I share a toddler and I have 3 bio teen kids of my own.
ive never felt like this was my family and often feel like I’m living someone else’s life.
i do try hard to make this house feel like home but it doesn’t.....
i am always trying to pin point why and I sort of think it’s because I have zero control over anything that happens in my own home..... BM and SDs call the shots as far as SDs are concerned......my exH has convinced my bio kids that he is the boss..... so I always feel like I’m in limbo....on edge...no routine....no peace....no normalcy.....the only glimpse of peace I get is when BM takes SDs out of town......
Yes! I also try to pin point
Yes! I also try to pin point what it is and could only think it's the fact that my life is dictated by the decisions of other people. If the BM decides she wants to do something without kids on her weekend, there goes any plans I had bc now I have my SD. When we plan family pictures on our weekend, oh wait a minute BM needs her so now we need to cancel. Every single decision of my life is dictated by someone else. The only thing I have control over is what happens in my home and even then that's a little spotty.
it's the lonliest feeling. Not feeling that you are part of something. I think that is why I have jumped so deep into my career. I can control that, I make the decisions for me there and I'm supported by great coworkers. Honestly my work is the only place I feel I have "family"
so much yes! I am so thankful
so much yes! I am so thankful for my job, I do that also. I pretty much despise the weekend and can’t wait to get back to work Monday mornings.
as women we want control of our homes....and we don’t have it. We always have stuff canceled, ruined or rescheduled.....i finally stopped planning anything at all. The fun and joy has been sucked out of everything and everything feels like a chore.
My husband and I are a team
My husband and I are a team so when the BM throws last minute things at us, yes it impacts the both of us. I know many people here are more disengaged but that is not our current situation. I have tried disengaging and do what I want but most times what I want INCLUDES my husband and SD so yes when the BM decides to change something and since the court order for the parenting plan is not in place yet my husband often allows it if it's not too pressing of an issue.
as far as the comment that I can't make hard decisions, believe me I can. I have been faced with many hard decisions through life but I do not make them quickly. I take my time to make sure I am making the right decision for me.
and the OP was about feeling like it is controlled by others bc when I voice my opinion, BM does not care as it does not impact her.
I think you might be confusing this post with one I posted a few months ago.
Don’t get your hopes up that
Don’t get your hopes up that a court ordered plan will change anything because it won’t.
I'm not saying it will but
I'm not saying it will but right now it's a verbal agreement so that's better than a verbal one.
Oh I get it!! I used to count
Oh I get it!! I used to count the down the says until the paperwork with dh ans Bm was signed thinking it was be some life changing moment.
i also foolishly thought that the court order would be followed.....since it literally accounts for every day and holiday of the year.... you know like every other Christmas etc....I was like okay now we can actually plan stuff....wrong wrong wrong. Nothing about the court order is followed....other than my dh paying his CS.
Honestly - I never felt this
Honestly - I never felt this way. I felt annoyed that our lives were somewhat constricted by a court order and a crazy BM, but I didn't feel "lonely", because I had DH through it all.
Maybe the issue is more with your relationship than with being in a stepfamily?
We have had issues in the
We have had issues in the past and we have worked through them.
he didn't understand how sometimes decisions he made for SD that impacted our family without my knowledge or even input due to it impacting me made me feel that way. We have discussed it and he had been a lot better at making sure to just inform me of things before decisions are made so I can at least voice my opinion.
the lonlieness sometimes happens with his family too. They never liked the BM. They didn't really know her. She was in and out of my DHs life within a year but since she is a hot head, they will do whatever to make her comfortable and ok so she doesn't get mad and not let them see my SD. Almost to a point where it completely crosses boundaries and my husband has to remind them that although she is the BM of his child, I am his wife helping raise her when she is with us so they can't do things like that but they don't seem to understand.
Your are not a team
If DH takes his kids on a BM time at the last minute. BM is controlling your house, not you. If you were a TEAM you would have control not BM
So in your mind my husband
So in your mind my husband shouldn't take my SD? It's not always so cut and dry. I support my husband getting as much time with her as he can but I do believe it needs to be done accordingly and yes before asked, I have stopped offering help to take care of my SD if/when any decisions are made without me being included. It's my way of trying to gain control of my house when I can. No one said this stuff is easy that's for sure
He doesn't have to take SD
He doesn't have to take SD every time she's offered to him, and it's really okay if you object to him doing that. Why is it expected that you will be supportive of HIM, but he's not supportive of you and your needs? Especially if it means YOU will be the one caring for her.
Your relationship sounds fairly one-sided, which can happen when a stepkid is involved. Women tend to be "fixers" and focus on our relationships. You may be doing more for SD than you need to in order to "support him". And you assume that you have to agree to extra time with SD always - but why?
I see what your saying. I
I see what your saying. I have never flat out told him he can't take her but have offered other suggestions like maybe his mom can have a night with her if her mother is giving up her night or something. Others I agree and her and I end up doing something fun together so it can go both ways. I do tend to just saying ok when he wants to get her because he genuinely wants to spend more time with her and I will never step in the way of that I guess.
I guess the meaning of this post was more the feeling of lonlieness just because at the end of the day no matter how much love is there, it still doesn't feel like "MY" family. It feels like I'm a substitute and it's not to put the blame on my husband or anyone else it's just a hard feeling to shake and you would think after 7 years, I wouldn't feel that way anymore....idk. It's a lonely feeling. I just needed to find a safe forum to vent my feelings without being judged in a way I guess. I don't have friends that are steps or even other family members that are so I don't have people in a similar position in my life to be a sounding board when I feel a certain way or that I don't have control in my life.
Honestly, reading back
Honestly, reading back through your blogs - I think your feelings are telling you that you need to go, and find a man who wants to have kids with you. You are missing something that you really want and this man doesn't want with you. Don't let fear keep you from doing what's best for you.
I am childless but I knew that was my fate when I met DH so being with him wasn't settling for anything. He and our dogs are my family, and SS19 is on the periphery of it because he wants to be.
Lonely
When I first began my relationship with my DH, I was so naive, and his eldest would ignore me when walking in the room, and I did not feel included - and boy howdy did she learn how to play everyone against each other.
DH - then So, and I would argue about her treatment of me. I felt SO very alone, back then.
SD20 has since moved out. Life has gotten SO SO SO much better.
SD13 and I are very much alike and enjoy each others company. If I didnt have that, all the crap I have to deal with would be so much harder. I very much command my household - so much so that DH likes to tease me about it. When BM makes schedule changes we all agree that less time over at her place the better. If we have plans, SD 13 goes to her gmas house.
Im sorry you are feeling lonely. It sounds like a relationship issue.