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Letting Skids take things home with them

strugglingSM's picture

How many of you let Skids take big things you've bought home with them?

This weekend, SKids told DH they were going to take their skis and ski gear home with them, so BM could take them skiing. I said no way because they can't even keep track of the ski gear when it's at our home. If it went to BM's house, we'd never see it again.

Also, BM spent last year and the year before telling DH how much Skids "hated skiing" because she didn't want to pay for it. 

Three years ago, before skiing, but when we were going to DH's family cabin where there would be snow, DH asked if SKids could bring some snow gear. BM's response, "it's not my responsibility to buy winter coats so they can play out in the snow with you!" Mind you, while winters where we are, are relatively minor, there are usually several weeks to a month where you do need a winter coat if you're going to be spending more than 10 seconds outside.

hereiam's picture

We didn't let my SD take much that we bought her to BM's, mostly because her brother would destroy it.

Skis and ski gear? No way.

ndc's picture

There are things we don't mind allowing to go back and forth. Clothes, coats, shoes and boots - no problem. Most  toys, no problem (although skids don't like taking their toys to BM's because if they forget to bring them back right away they're likely to be thrown away or end up at Goodwill).  However, we don't allow fragile or expensive things (like their tablets) to go back and forth. There is no way I would let skis or ski equipment go to BM's house

Cover1W's picture

If they only used it at our home then yes, it would stay here. 

BUT then again, I tried that and it failed.  So if DH needed them to have something and it was at BM's (1.5 hours minium away) then it's on him.

He did get better about not rescuing them from their homework left at BM's though.  They quickly learned that after DH refusing to go get thier homework for them.

advice.only2's picture

Sounds like BM can rent the kids ski equipment or go buy them their own for her house.  Big ticket items should not go back and forth.

mshilton16's picture

The only thing we allow to travel back and forth are the clothes he wears to school the day he leaves and the clothes he wears the day he comes back. Otherwise, no. What we buy SS stays at our home and what she buys him stays at hers. 

TheEvilStepmomStrikesBack's picture

I don't. Because DH's budget is stretched thin, I usually just buy SS the stuff he needs here. He's not allowed to take anything because he never brings it back. Well he's started taking stuff anyway, so I just stopped buying him anything. Don't have matching socks? Better bring them back from your moms. All of your clothes are too small or have holes? Sounds like a problem that could be solved by not taking all the clothes I buy over there and leaving the ratty ones here. Not gonna play that game and he's finding out the hard way now. Guess you should use the allowance we give you. Oh wait, you always give it to your mom for safe keeping. Sounds like a personal problem to me! 

Edited to add I'm not being mean but it got to a point where I was buying stuff for him constantly and it was taking from my child's needs. I'm already providing 95% of her stuff because DH can't afford to. No way I'm gonna let her be without because his mom is a sucky individual 

Rags's picture

Oh hell no!  If neither BM nor the kids can be trusted to get things back to your home, nothing leaves.  BM can rent Ski equipment and buy coats for the Skids.

See how she likes having her own words replayed for her listening enjoyment. "its not my responsibility to buy winter coats (or Ski equipment) so that they can go out and play in the snow with you!"




Kes's picture

When SDs were coming here EOW, DH must have bought enough socks and underpants to clothe the child population of Greater London - it seems like nearly every time they came, he bought them.  All vanished into the black hole of NPD BM's house.  We did not allow items from our house to be taken, but one of the SDs used to reguarly thieve our CDs and DVDs.  In the end, I made a list of these, printed it out and regularly checked the inventory, until they stopped coming.  

lieutenant_dad's picture

If it's solely theirs (e.g. a game system they got at Christmas), they can do with it as they please. That doesn't mean we're replacing it, though.

If it's something we've bought to enjoy with them and we'll need it in the future (e.g. sleeping bag for camping), then no. It's not really "theirs" if it's needed for activities in our home.

ESMOD's picture

This is pretty much my philosophy.  

I think child specific ski equipment might fall into that category.  

Of course the caveat would be that if we let them take something and it was lost or damaged?  well.. the item would not be replaced by us.

For this situation specifically.. I wouldn't necessarily let all their warm weather clothing go.. but their boots and skis (which can have a somewhat personalized fitting).. I would let it go with a warning and a too sad too bad if they lost it on their trip.

(I am assuming the kids are old enough to theoretically be responsible for things.. whether these specific kids are or not).

strugglingSM's picture

They are old enough (young teens) to be responsible with their things, but they have not demonstrated that they can be. 

For example, one tore his snow pants after one wearing them because he "playing in the woods" and caught them on something. He also broke his goggles this year because he wanted to try to change the lenses and didn't know how. Since he now wears adult sizes, the pants were $80 and the goggles were gotten on sale for $40 (retail price $70). We taped up the pants and DH told him he would have to replace the goggles himself. He bought a $40 pair and was $16 short, so DH gave him $16. Not exactly demonstrating that they can be trusted. 

ndc's picture

The problem with this is that if skiing is a family activity and one family member loses his equipment at BM's house and doesn't have money to replace it, future family ski trips for all are affected.  It's different than a skid leaving his video game system that he alone plays with at BM's. No way would ski equipment leave my house for BM's house.

lieutenant_dad's picture

Yes, this. If losing/breaking a thing would impact others, it needs to not move back and forth.

Thisisnotus's picture

My kids are if something is soley "theirs" they can do with it what they please.



MrsMiserable's picture

The only thing the skids are allowed to take back and forth with them are the clothes they wear to school. SS9 was taking his ipad back and forth that DH bought him but when he came back with it and said BM had "accidentally" deleted all the apps and info out of it that was it for that. 

sunshinex's picture

I let SD8 take whatever she wants and can fit in a small backpack with her when she goes to visit her mom in the summer, as long as it won't impact ME in terms of being a "need" and not coming back. So sports equipment would be a "no" from me but a specific toy would be a "yes" because if she doesn't bring it back, I don't need to buy it again. I just remind her that it was her choice to bring it and it was her mistake to leave it there. 

Rags's picture

The stuff is home.  Your house is home.  Maybe not the CP household. But home none the less.

HowLongIsForever's picture

SSs can take whatever they want back and forth as long as it is something that actually belongs to them.  We don't restrict clothing, sports gear or their toys.  For generic sports gear, like lower quality mits, we try to make sure there are duplicates. 

They do have their preferences and learn real quick they need to keep track of the items they want to drag back and forth.

We don't replace anything that's not an actual growth/wear issue.  If they leave a favorite anything at BMs, lose their quality sports gear not on our watch, too bad so sad - grab the spare we have here and get on with it.  They learn quick.

If a big ticket item is kid specific i.e. nobody but OSS could actually use it (snowboard boots for example) he is responsible for them whether that's at our house, the lodge, BM's, his friends, etc.  He should take the same care in every location.  If he's going to be an inconsiderate, irresponsible tool about them it won't much matter which adult is present.  He knows the expectation and if he can't meet it and won't ask for help in meeting it, the end result is the natural consequence.

Something that belongs to the adults - camping gear, boating/lake gear, giant lawn games, etc. - that stuff doesn't leave our house unless we are the ones taking it.  We don't do the whole loaning to BM because she hasn't earned that type of relationship with us.  I don't run an equipment rental company.  If she can afford to replace it for us she can afford to go buy it herself.  Problem solved.