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lets hear it for the in laws

SugarSpice's picture

in laws are part of blended family life.

what are your stories?

some dont support you while some are still close to the bm.

either way there must be lots of interesting stories from you all.

SugarSpice's picture

my in laws have benn married for over sixty years and still dont own the roof over their heads. they spent their money on pleasure vacations every year and they did this without saving any money. dh is constantly sending them money for food and other expenses.

mil and fil supported sd when she told me to my face to f off. really? they supported her. what in laws support a young woman who talks to her fathers wife in that way? youwould think they would support the adults in the family.

mil started a lively corespondence with mother of bm and bm. bm was the woman who cheated on her son. can you believe this.

i was often in touch with in laws for a long time but i dont bother any more after this lack of support.

lintini's picture

Ohhhhh god.

My MIL is such a piece of work. I have way too many stories of her boundary stomping and interfering with SS16.

The best story was having her come along to look at houses with us and we had SS16 with us at the time since he was on the way so it didn't make sense to go back to get him and drive an extra hour.... anyway...MIL was picking out the best and biggest bedroom for SS16, measuring tape and all......i kid you not. We were just looking at the house too. I was like wtffffffff. I believe Acra told me to just give SS16 the master bedroom, LOL. He was here 4 days a month.... now he's decided he doesn't want to come over anymore because DH has rules, mom doesn't.

You can't have a conversation with her without her mentioning SS16.

MIL is a mess now that precious SS16 is acting out and doesn't want to go to his dad's anymore since he was caught lying about going to a hoodrat concert.

MIL is very manipulative and plays games/stirs the pot.

She's super helpful though and always there if you need her....which makes it so impossible to put her in her place when she's misbehaving.

The in-laws don't like BM at all. They've always embraced me. Since DH and BM don't get along and don't communicate, they don't really blame me for "staying out of it" aka disengagement.

When I was on bed rest for preterm labor and stuck at our old house 3 hours away....MIL decorated our new house... without asking. Bought a picture for over the fireplace and hung it. Built dd' s crib..... hung up all my oil paintings....comes over to feed and dead head my roses.

Omg what else....

MIL had a big melt down over getting dd' s baby pictures taken and not including ss16 in them who was a 6 hour round trip away. Apparently I'm not allowed to have pictures of just my kid and her dad.

Last month MIL came over with her favorite picture of SS16, who's maybe 4 in the picture with DH for us to hang up since DH hasn't hung up any of their photos. I said I swear to god DH hang it up where you want it before she does it for you!!!

It's just always something. FIL is super chill though and stays out of the drama.

When I was in labor with DD1 .... my in-laws beat me to the hospital and they live 3 hours from it. I was told to eat light, shower, etc then head over.... They then waited 19 hours in the waiting room......

Who wants my MIL??? She's grandkid crazy and a great skid room picker/decorator!

SMforever's picture

DH's mother, until she sadly died last year, was a positive moral force in the family. She always called her kids out on their manipulative crap, and did a lot to help straighten out DH about putting me before the adult skids. She saw the disney thing, and used to point out to him how he was hurting his most important relationship for his selfish kids.

I was very sad when she died, and I think of her with affection. Whenever DH steps out of line, I remind him of what Ma would have said.

secret's picture

SOs parents are both passed.

My exMIL was a piece of work though.

Random things she did... changed the baptism date, church, and godparents of my first born without telling me... I found out weeks later, when I had a phone call from exBIL asking for details on what he needed to do.

She moved my furniture around when I was at work. Exdh let her in...because she came over to do his laundry.

She offered to help my mother paint her living room one mom kind of blew her off. ExMIL tried calling my mom over the next couple days, my mom didn't exMIL decided to show up at 6 am to corner my mom before my mom went to her firm... she essentially bullied my mom into letting her in to paint while my mom was working...end result was a poor paint job, drips on the carpet, paint on the arm of the couch... when my mom said something about it, exMIL blew it off with "oh these things happen."

She invited people to my wedding she hadn't told us about... luckily it was buffet style, so the ranch was kind enough to set up the extra tables when we told them an extra 20 people had shown up. MIL didn't even offer to pay the difference... which was close to 30$ a head... and when we brought it up to her, she had the nerve to say it was the least we could do (pay) because she was insulted she'd only gotten 2 tables of her friends initially, felt it wasn't enough, and so had to take matters into her own hands.

She wrestled a laundry basket away from me when I was 8 months pregnant.

She threw out some of my stuff, claiming we could do better.

She scratched the crap out of my piano bench because she kept putting her dog cage on it, sliding it off when she'd leave.

She took the top tier of my wedding cake out of the freezer the day after my wedding, brought it to my mom's house for the brunch the morning after the wedding, and served it. We didn't know that's what it was until we returned home and got something out of the freezer for a meal, realized it was gone.

She took my kids out of town overnight without telling me, when she babysat one night.

She tried giving me marital advice on how to take care of my Exdh, since poopsie wasn't used to having to make his own meals, laundry, etc... and that he was used to coming hime to a ready made meal, baby worked SOOO hard...she basically laid ot out for me that I needed to 50s wife it. I was working full time at the time, her poops was working minimum wage as a restaurant short order cook. Usually 30 hours a week.

She called my boss once to tell him that I wouldn't be at work for the next week or so, because I had to dog sit while she took a trip to Florida. I had no idea. Yes I had the dog...who was housebroken and home with Exdh, since he mostly worked evenings and weekends... my boss asked me WTF. It was kind of funny, actually...he was floored she did that.

She barged her way into the hospital room when I was literally pushing DS out... then made comments to anyone and everyone on how she saw my junk stretching, for weeks afterwards.

I put up with her BS for years before I'd finally had enough. Exdh and I had a "decent" marriage, we had our issues bUT we were always civil... had it not been for her I probably would only have left years later... but we split when YDD was about 1. I just couldn't handle her anymore.

Exdh has grown a (small) pair since that time, as I made it crystal clear that it was his mother that caused our marriage breakdown... though not as big a pair as he should, because she still goes over twice a week to cook (and freeze meals for later) and clean...she still controls many aspects of his life... she STILL tries to contact me now and then to tell me what I should do/not do with respect to the kids. She's the oNE who "parents" my kid's when they're with dad. He loves them, bit he's not exactly dad mayerial. More like basement WoW geek.

I was only with him because we grew up together and our mothers pushed us together. We were young and dumb and better friends than partners... but we had an unplanned prgnancy and so getting married and making a life for ourselves was the right thing to do. It was our bed to lie in, so to speak.

I despise that woman. Of course my kids LOVE her...because she's total Disney.

lintini's picture

Ohhh yeah the wedding guests that MIL invited without asking! Mine did the exact same thing! Ohhh let me do the addresses in calligraphy, and give me a few extras incase I mess up..... yup.... those extras were sent out to her friends. Wtf is wrong with these women? 20 extra though? Your MIL is ballsy!

momjeans's picture

My inlaws are both pieces of work.

They are both toxic and controlling, less concerned with what's best for their two children, and their families, than they are with what feels comfortable to them. It seems they are always clawing to desperately stay in control, even if that means wrecking your marriage.

They remind me of grifters. MIL and FIL are all about keeping-up appearances, when on the inside and behind closed doors they're a hot mess.

They're hoarders. New things, other people's things, animals. I cannot even step foot in their house. Haven't in years. They're in debt and in denial about so, so many things. My FIL's pill popping. His upcoming DUI trial (I'm assuming because he turned down a plea deal - because he's in denial he did anything wrong). Their oldest son's health issues. He's 36, has had two open heart surgeries. Chain smokes. Raging alcoholic.

Fun fact: BIL's fiancé overheard MIL state that her mom (the fiancé's mother) was "going to get hers in the end" because she didn't want to contribute 20k towards BIL's 45 day inpatient rehab last year. I'd say it was a wise move, considering BIL is back to drinking, sadly.

DH broke their hearts because he divorced BM, who was cheating on him for years, abusive. Making poor little skid a COD. MIL cannot choose sides, when it comes to BM and her side of the family or her son, his wife, and two small children. She just wants us all to love one another. (eye roll)

MIL is an insecure, manipulative, passive-aggressive, backbiting, covert narcissist. She's codependent, an enabler. Her pernicious behavior has caused a lot of problems in our marriage. FIL is DH's sounding board, but also MIL's flying monkey. So, we never get anywhere when it comes to trying to convey boundaries, what's not acceptable behavior when it comes to their involvement with BM, etcetera. They just nod their heads in agreement and keep on with their bad behavior. It's no accident. It's a choice they make.

I've gradually distanced myself from them and disengaged after FIL told my DH last December that I "ruined Christmas". Yes, I "ruined Christmas" because I told MIL she wasn't welcome in my home until she apologized. Apparently, she cried for days, didn't apologize, and I was at fault.

So, with all that said... no, inlaws are not supportive.

holdingittogether's picture

I'm not married yet but I know first hand from my previous marriage how difficult inlaws can be. My fiancé's parents are great though. Interestingly, both are remarried and still have a good relationship with each other. My fiancé said it wasn't always like this though. I'm sure it took a lot of hard word for everyone. It's so great that we can have everyone over at the same time for celebrations etc. I adore my fiancé's SM and SD. Gives me hope. My fiancé made a comment once about his SM giving his sister a hard time when she lived with them as an adult coming and going. I very quickly asked him how he would feel if any of our children did this and he quickly changed his tune lol. That would NEVER fly.

Livingoutloud's picture

My DH lost his parents young so I have no in-laws.

The rest of his extended family are trash, but we rarely ever have to see them.

My ex in-laws are lovely people.

I have a toxic father though who intensely disliked my exDH and doesn't particularly like my DH. No reason. They are upstanding citizens. There is nothing not to like about them.

At the same time my dad loved and kissed a$$ of my exSO (relationship between my marriages, my exstepfamily). Again no reason. He still asks me how he is doing and if I talk to him. He asks about my ex's kids (crazy exSDs but never asks about my actual SDs)

I have to keep reminding that I am married and he needs to stop asking about my exSO. Mind you my exDH is my DDs father (very good father) and my dad never ever asks about him yet he asks about exSO. Ridiculous.

So my in law story is about my dad being terrible FIL.

Rhiannon's picture

My in-laws are all very supportive. But then again my DH was never married to BM. My MIL is Divorced herself, and had to raise her kids on her own. So I'm not sure how she'd view BM if she were still alive, and if they had been married at one time. I know that I would NOT want to be on her bad side. I'd say that my MIL was probably the biggest help when SD came to live with us. She helped me get past some of my issues, and was very supportive.

sunshinex's picture

My MIL didn't say a word to me during my wedding nor the past 7 months of pregnancy. When she calls DH, she gushes on and on about his brother's girlfriend and how great she is and doesn't ever bother to ask how i'm doing or how her future grandchild is doing. I don't know WHY she doesn't like me, but she doesn't. I'm guessing it's because I'm not taking over DH's parenting SD like she would've liked. She always made comments about how I should do more for SD, despite the fact that i'm the main breadwinner and SD has a pretty great life thanks to me...

Countrymom's picture

I could go on and on about how bad my MIL can be, but I really related to this.

My MIL absolutely loves my BIL's fiancé. Thinks she's the greatest since sliced bread, even though for years into their relationship future SIL disrespected BIL by still being obsessed with her ex and BIL took it.

MIL and I got along in the beginning, but then she realized that I too was not "loving SS7 like my own" and parenting him like she thinks I should. And same as you, I have significantly increased SS's chances of having a better life in various ways, such as helping DH raise him better and not let him be the complete entitled, hellion brat that everyone else lets him be. So once MIL realized I wasn't catering to her precious grandson, it all went downhill.

Cover1W's picture

My MIL passed several years before I met DH, but he and his family insist she would have loved me. I did know his dad a little, he was a character... always looking for a 'deal' and a fast talker who liked to brag. But he liked me and vice versa. He told DH once that he was impressed with my interactions with SDs as I was so much more 'present' than BM.

As for my parents, they are the difficult ones. I am not speaking with my mother right now for several reasons and only just resumed short emails with my dad. DH is totally ok with not interacting with them at all for now. Easier because they live halfway across the country.

My mom is a narcissist and my dad her enabler. My mother sends me what I call her "hate letters" when she thinks something isn't right in her mind...and they are pretty horrific in that they encompass everything from your personal life, finances, home, relationships, etc. DH told me he now realizes I wasn't exaggerating about my parents when I'd tell him the last time I stayed at my parents house, over 5 years ago. One incident was that my mother had let her dogs (big breed untrained things, usually more than 3 at one time) into the guest room where I had my things out. One of the dogs ate my shoe, an $80 flat. My parents thought it was fine (the back of the shoe was gone and I had to go back home to the rain in sandals). They then freaked out over the price of the shoes, and didn't want to replace them. My mother refused to speak about it and my dad only gave me part of the cost. Apparently it was partly my fault for not knowing the dogs were going to be allowed into my room and that they ate shoes.

SugarSpice's picture

i am so sorry to hear about your mother. people who are npd are very hard to deal with and are not motivated to change. i am sorry to hear about the letters you receive from her. i am further sorry to hear your father is a co dependent. npds see the world revolving around them.

on the other hand, i am disappointed you refer to your mothers dogs as "things." they are not "things" but living creatures with intelligence and feelings. its not their fault your mother does not train them to have manners. chalk it up to experience and dont go to your parents house any more. asking your mother to keep the dogs out of your room may cause her to get defensive. you can try, but i suspect she let the dogs into the room knowing the dogs would destroy your nice things. (again its not their fault.)

just as with unruly small children, its not their fault no one has taught them how to be polite, but i am sure no would would call small children "things." in many cases, asking parents to parent their small children is the same thing. they get defensive and want their children to run around causing chaos. its like unruly children ruining your property while the parents look on and smile, and then refuse to pay for the damages. its not the fault of the children.

dont let this color your view of dogs. if they destroy your property its because you mother wants them to. so blame her. you know she is unhealthy in her thinking if she is npd.

Cover1W's picture

I didn't mean "things" in a demeaning way, just descriptive.
I really like dogs and understand that it's not their fault my mother doesn't train them.
And you are correct, she sees nothing wrong with them even though they've literally destroyed part of their house (and they have few visitors as well).

Mrs Fireball's picture

When I first met my in-laws I thought they were pretty nice. That changed quickly after I kicked DH out for cheating on me.
Now they're very cold and distant towards me. They believed DH's story line that he was "helping a friend". And they thought I was "crazy like my mom". It was actually my MIL that planted the "she is nuts" seed.
They're also kind of pious and phony. They have my DH by the balls and he runs and does whatever they tell him to do. If our grass is a foot high, he'll put off mowing our yard and mow daddy's rental house yard.
They're obsessed with OSS and MSS' baseball and go to every game, or watch it online if they're traveling. They talk badly about other kids on the team- especially if the kids are more advanced. They can't stand that MSS is on JV and his classmate is playing varsity. They trash talk the other parents about sucking up to the coaches but they're just as guilty of it.
I got tired of hearing MIL spew the gossip at every game so I stopped going. If OSS or MSS' team loses a game, it's because the coach didn't bring MSS/OSS in sooner.
Or the umpire wasn't calling the pitches right and was obviously pulling for the opposing get the picture. FIL is very rude to me at family gatherings.
DH probably tells them I don't "let" him go to games but that's a lie. I've never ever discouraged him from going. I'm a convenient scapegoat.

SugarSpice's picture

wow. what a mix of good and bad.

on the part of my in laws its mostly bad. mil and fil always begging for money. not out right begging but not too subtle hints for money to dh. of course they never refuse money when offered. so very coy of them.

bil and sil are not much better. bil cant seem to find steady work buy had money for cigarets and drugs. his wife a druggie and alcholic. really classy picture they present. they also drop hints for money.

hereiam's picture

My DH's mother died before I met him, so I have not had a MIL.

His dad is now deceased but was alive for the first 13 years of our relationship. DH was reluctant for us to meet, his dad was kind of a male chauvinist AND he hated DH's first two wives. When he told his dad that he wasn't sure about us meeting because I'm a very independent, opinionated woman, his dad said, "I don't care if she burns her bra. Or if she wears one."

When we did meet, he fell in love with me! He told DH upon meeting his first wife, that she was a whore (she was), he told him upon meeting his second wife that she was psycho (she was), and he told him that I'm a keeper. DH's second wife (who I'm usually referring to on this site) tried and tried to get the info of a life insurance policy from his dad (that was DH's and could be turned in for cash) but he refused to give it to "that bitch". He gave it to me.

DH and I were with him when he died and although DH had a rocky relationship with him, he misses him and so do I.

Imthewife20's picture

Inlaws were great until SD was 16 and started a smear campaign against me. Teenage, "my mom left the state", sullenness created a monster in SD and she bent the ear of both sister in laws and eventually grandma and all the ladies in the family

Came to a head in a big, ugly way and we (DH supported) had to cut the SILs and many family members out.

DH still sees parents, I see them on holidays. They are only 20 minutes away.

They rarely see BD and BS. SD is now 24 and they have all turned on her as well-cut her out of their lives, too.

Now SD is engaged to be married and really regretting the lies she spread.......

Phoebe84's picture

My ex in-laws were great. They continue to be very supportive and have often helped to make my ex face his responsibilities.

My SO's parents are really supportive of my relationship with SO but they are from a very traditional family and don't have any concept of my bios being part of their family. My family, on the other hand, buy SO's kids Christmas presents, invite them to family occasions, etc. It's hard for my kids to see that but, fortunately, because they have such a strong relationship with my ex in-laws, they don't feel the need for 'extra' grandparents and don't feel that they are missing out.

Hard for me not to feel resentful sometimes when my family make such an effort with SO's kids. One year I ate the Easter Eggs my aunt bought for the skids. How evil is that!??! :O

Aniki's picture

I barely know my MIL. FIL has been dead since DH was a child - not long after he left MIL for another woman. MIL abused DH - probably because he looks just like his father. She's always been a controlling, abusive c*nt and DH barely speaks to her. The ONLY reason he still does is too keep peace with his grandmother (MIL's mother).

DaizyDuke's picture

MIL can be something...had a couple strained years with her when she was all up BM1's butt and spending all kinds of time with BM's kids (who are NOT DH's) and let's remember that BM1 and DH were basically a couple night's stand.. they never dated, BM1 is a drug user, no job, and has made DH's life awful... but hey! Let's be buddies with her and help her out!! I guess MIL just tries to be too nice?? I really don't think she does this stuff with any kind of malicious intention.. it's just annoying AF!

She's gotten a bit better in the last year or so and BS7 has been spending a lot more time with her and FIL than he ever has in the past. BS7 enjoys being with them and they with him and they are really good to him, so it's all good. FIL is awesome, never had any issues with him.

I have 4 SILs and every one of this is an awesome person. Biggrin

still learning's picture

MIL is in her 80's and frail. She's not in the best health so all her energy goes into her doctor visits and her 41 yr old mentally disabled daughter living with her. She never liked BM and was thrilled when I came on the scene because "her son deserved to be loved and treated well." Though I'm not totally off the hook since SIL took over the role as head of the family and has tried to insert ss32 rather abruptly into my life. Luckily that hasn't been an issue lately because SIL's adopted son and ss32 had a falling out recently so SIL has stepped back conc all things ss32.

MIL states that she loves ss32 but does not *like* him and has accused him of stealing jewelry from her home.

SugarSpice's picture

bil and sil are a mess. both are on drugs and now sil is so drug damaged that she cant work. shes crazy as a bat. several years ago she got a job but she quickly instigated arguments with her co workers and quit.

because of this our taxes will now go for her up keep because she applied for benefit. our taxes will pay for their cigarettes and beer.

and that is also crazy.

strugglingSM's picture

I get along ok with my MIL, but she definitely doesn't understand boundaries. I also moved to put her at arms length, because she has a tendency to meddle and think that I'm trying to exclude SSs from things. She was upset that we weren't going to take them to sign the paperwork for our new house, because yes, what two 11 year olds want to do is sit there while dad and SM sign papers for an hour. MIL said "I just think you need to make them part of your life." Um, if they were my own kids, I wouldn't take them. She also told DH, in front of me, that she thought DH's brother should be the executor of his will, to make sure SSs get what's rightfully theirs. Um, DH had absolutely nothing when I met him. BM left him with a pile of debt and spent all of his money, even an inheritance from his grandmother that he wanted to put aside to pay for college for his children. Also, DH's father died years ago and nothing went directly to DH, so why should these non-existent assets go directly to SSs upon DH's death (which, hopefully will not happen for 40-50 years). MIL also once told DH that she thought things would be much better between DH and BM if only I would just be friends with BM. MInd you, DH and BM never got along when they were married, but all of a sudden, I'm either the problem or I'm supposed to fix things.